It has a sequel...
This is the second installment of 'Undefinable', but if you haven't read it, it won't interfere with you getting this story. I must warn you all, beware of the fluffness. Don't worry though, it's only at the end ::gags from too much fluff exposure::
TITLE:Morning After (part II of Undefinable)
SERIES:Sailor Moon
RATING:PG-13
CHAPTERS/ONE SHOT:One-shot
GENRE: Angst, romance
PAIRING:Usagi/Mamoru
SUMMARY: It's the morning after. The only thing on Serena's mind is Darien after she ran out on him. Knowing that there'll be consequences for her actions, she cannot help but go see him one last time.
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon copyright © Naoko Takeuchi. I’m just borrowing these characters for my own sick twisted pleasure. They may be returned slightly broken and bruised.
My first thought upon waking was ‘Ow.' This was followed simultaneously by an ‘Oh shit.'
My head was killing me. It wasn't the worst headache I've ever suffered from, not by a long shot, but it was the first time I'd ever woken up feeling like that. My whole body was aching all over, and in one or two unusual places.
Stupidly, I moved... and froze.
Where ever I was, there was something there, pinning me down. I tried not to panic. I tried controlling my breathing. There was something warm behind me.
There was someone else in the bed with me. It had to be a person. It clearly explained why there was an arm holding me tightly around my stomach. The rest of the body was behind me. I could also feel the slow, shallow breath between my shoulder blades.
I slowly opened my eyes and flinched from the bright light streaming from a nearby window. Weren't there any curtains? It appeared so. I tried to move again, but the arm around my waist tightened and pulled me closer to the warm body.
I knew for sure that wherever this was, it wasn't my room. It didn't look like my room, for surely I could recognize my own bedroom. It was more spacious than mine; the bed I was on was much bigger than mine. And the color…
‘Ah. Oh yes. That. I remember.' Did that really happen last night? Did I really truly give myself to him? I shook my head and quickly sucked in a breath. All I could think about was getting some Advil to get rid of this killer headache.
Moving slowly and carefully-out of my desire to keep my head from splitting as well as to not wake Darien up-I disentangled myself from him. I slid out of the bed and stood up.
I couldn't help but lean closer to stare at his sleeping form. ‘He's so beautiful,' I thought. I watched his body expand and retract from his even breaths, the soft flutter of his thick eyelashes as they flickered up and down, and the way his dark hair fell flat against his head from sleeping.
I have never actually spent the night with him. I have never woken up with him beside me. He usually disappeared during the night. It felt nice, waking up to him, having him hold me so protectively. It may have felt nice, but that didn't mean I'd be staying later on. Even though I had supposedly admitted to ‘giving' myself -my soul- to him, I didn't want to see his reaction to what happened the night before. I didn't want to see a look of disgust cross his face as he looked at me. It would be the final blow that would destroy this fragile thing between us.
Now everything would go back to the way it was before. Though I loathe the idea more than I'll ever readily admit, the thought of what would happen to him -to me- if the others found out about us was enough to get me moving.
My jeans, along with most of my other clothes, and Darien's were strewn across the floor in a rather embarrassing manner and worst, my underwear was hanging haphazardly from one of the lamps.
I got my jeans and underwear and struggled into both. It took me a while to find my tank-top and blouse, but I found them both.
I gritted my teeth as I straightened up with the aid of the closet doorknob. The headache didn't seem to be too big of a problem now. The problem, the worst part of this hangover, was the ominous lurch in my stomach as I moved too quickly. The whole world became a blur and I knew I would gag. I really needed to find that bottle of Advil.
I made my way out of his bedroom. In the hallway, I tried to remember where the bathrooms were located. I passed room after room until I finally came to the kitchen. My stomach lurched at the thought of food, so I quickly left and found myself in the den.
There were only one or two rooms left, so the bathroom had to be around here. That, too, took me a while to search, but upon finding it, I was blinded by whiteness. I had to blink a couple of times before the dots dancing within my vision left.
I looked into the medicine cabinet and tried to find anything that looked like painkillers. He seemed to have only three different brands. I chose the Motrin, since it was stronger than Advil, and downed it with some tap water.
That having been done, I looked in my jeans' pockets to try and find some money. I really wasn't in the best shape to walk home alone. And the fact that I couldn't find my sandals from the night before contributed to that decision as well. I had about twenty-five dollars from both pockets. Leaving the bathroom, I made my way into the den and used his phone to call a cab.
~*~*~
I waited in the lobby of his apartment building for twenty minutes before I finally saw a cab come into view. As I was about to leave, I encountered the same security guard from the night before. He gave me a weird look after seeing my bare feet and my disheveled hair. I smiled weakly at him and quickly left the building.
Outside, the sidewalk was cold against my bare feet and the cold pre-morning air battered my body, since I couldn't find my coat. Shivering, I gave the cabbie my address and asked for the time. I had been too nervous to ask the security guard at the lobby earlier.
The cabbie gave me a look -it was one of those ‘what is she on?' sorts of looks that made your skin crawl- and informed me that it was six thirty in the morning. He must have really thought I was still hung-over if I was asking him for the time. I didn't care though. I sighed with relief and buried myself into my seat. I wasn't going to be late for my early morning class. I'd probably only have enough time to shower and eat some breakfast when I got home. After that, I'd have to face the day, with or without this killer hangover.
I made a mental note to remember to complain to/compliment Lita later. Those two Ice Angels had been enough to scramble my brain. Enough that I'd let myself fall privy to Darien and continue this cycle of one-night stands that made up our relationship.
It wasn't long before the cab arrived at the off-campus apartment I shared with Mina. I paid the cabbie with the twenty and climbed out of the cab.
My apartment didn't look any different from all the apartment buildings on this street. They were all five-floored brick-faced buildings with the same sickly grey steps and the same slightly dirtied glass doors leading into the same dull entryways.
I took the elevator to the third floor and got out my keys. My apartment was all the way at the end of the hallway.
I closed the door to my apartment behind me with a soft click. This click seemed to resound throughout the whole apartment.
I wearily leaned against the door, my tired gaze scanning over the familiar surroundings without really seeing anything. My mind was formulating excuses should Mina be up this early, though I seriously doubted it. Her first class was around noon, while mine was around nine. Though I really wasn't a morning person, I found that I liked my morning classes more than my afternoon ones. I usually lost interest around noon, so afternoon classes had been out and I ended up with two weekend classes.
Sitting there, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd make a big deal out of it. Would she immediately reprimand me for dating Rei's ex? Would she feel the need to inform the others of our relationship? With an inaudible sigh, I made my way out of our living room and strode to the bathroom. Sleep and food would have to wait until I showered.
I methodically took off my clothes and walked over to the tub to run a hot bath. I reached out and turned on the water, only to see several huge red bruises on my left arm. ‘What the-'
Seeing that mark made me want to check the rest of my body. Standing up on top of the toilet seat, I glanced at myself in the mirror. I wasn't surprised to find more than a few red marks. A reddish purple bruise decorated my right and left hip, with trailing red marks running inside my inner thighs. I found smaller red ones in other odd places.
The more I looked, the more they seemed to be multiplying. There were some on my neck, running down my shoulders. "Dear God, this is like the invasion of the hickeys!" I whispered harshly to myself. That's all I needed, one more thing to betray my whereabouts about the night before. These hickeys would probably not fade for a couple of days, maybe even a few weeks. Damn Darien and his possessiveness!
I slumped down to sit on top of the toilet, gripping my sides hard enough to bruise. I could only imagine how I had gotten them all, since I seem only to remember certain aspects of our night together.
I blushed as I looked into our medicine cabinet. There was a packet of ‘Morning After' pills in the first row of things useful and useless. If I wanted to use it, I'd have to wait until after the Motrin wore off. By having these pills, did this mean that Mina and I were sluts? I could remember exactly when we'd both gone to the physician at the local health center and asked for a lot of these packets, reasoning that one could never be prepared enough. It was the fact that I couldn't remember whether Darien and I used protection or not that made my heart race. Did this mean I'd have to have some STD tests...and an AIDS test? I hoped not, but another part of me was arguing about how it was better to be safe than sorry.
I snapped out of my thoughts after hearing the loud running of the water. I walked over and turned it off. Then, grabbing the bar of soap from its holder, I slid into the tub, a soft hiss escaping my lips. The water was scalding hot; just the way I liked it. Maybe this would relieve some of the tension in my body and the slight self-loathing I was feeling. And maybe, it would lessen the bruises, too.
I ran the soap around my body trying to get rid of the alcohol and sex smell. The sex smell was probably just my imagination, but nonetheless, I tried my best to get rid of it.
~*~*~
All day at university, I hadn't been able to totally concentrate. I was unable to give anything more than half my attention. I'd only been able to forget about my dilemma when I was having lunch with Amy, Mina and Rei. Amy seemed to be the only one to notice that I was acting a little bit off.
When Mina had asked me where I was the night before, my excuse for being missing had been simple. I just told her that my Bio lab had a time change for this week. I was quite surprised that she had bought it. I'd never peg her as being so gullible. And for once, I was glad that my two classes of the day had over one hundred students. The professors hadn't been able to see me in my little corner and pick on me. That had truly been a blessing in disguise.
My daydreams of him could be triggered by anything-a voice, a phrase, an object in a window, a person who seemed to have eyes or hair like him. I was obsessing and I couldn't help it. Everything reminded me of him. Like this afternoon, while I was having lunch with Amy, Rei and Mina. I had been dreaming of him whispering in my ear, his hands stroking my body, his lips trailing kisses down my neck, my shoulders and beyond. It had taken Rei screaming shrilly in my ear in order to get me away from my thoughts. It would have been acceptable if this had only happened once during lunch, but that wasn't the case. I had about four different daydream-fantasies of him in an hour. It seemed after promising to give him my heart and soul, I'd managed to work my mind into the deal.
At work that evening, I'd had to deal with dodging my overly friendly co-workers and the gossips from their daily lives (which seemed less interesting today than any other day). Lita hadn't been anywhere to be seen and for once I was glad to have been left alone. The only problem had been Seiya. He didn't even bother to say ‘hi'. He always said hi before he went down to the club for his shift. And to make things worse, I'd gotten one of the most neurotic customers ever at the restaurant. He'd begun his complaining since his starter arrived ('not crisp enough'), right through to dessert ('Miss if I wanted a lump of stale cake I would have requested it. I requested a, and I quote from the menu, 'deliciously moist, over-indulgent slice of fudge gateaux.'). I was quite surprised that I hadn't thrown the cup of coffee in his face after he'd yelled, 'I said no sugar, not extra sugar!' at me. I'll admit, I was a terrible waitress. I probably wouldn't have lasted a day in any other diners or restaurants, but here I was, two months later, still working at ‘Jupiter's Garden'.
~*~*~
My Darien infested thoughts had brought me to a new low. This was all I could think of as I stood in front of his apartment building two weeks later. It was seven twenty-five and I had just gotten off from work. I was drenched only because it was raining. I had been avoiding him like the plague. For a good two weeks I was able to restrain myself. But I've betrayed myself. And so, there I stood, looking at his building like a deranged stalker as the rain proceeded to try and drown.
A part of me so badly wanted to go in; another part felt stupid for wanting someone so much that it had hampered my ability to have a regular routine. Before, he had been slowly taking over me, altering certain parts of my schedule, just so I could be near him, to touch him and know that he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. If he didn't want me, why would he surreptitiously suggest we do things together, "hang out" (although our idea of ‘hanging out' was so different from everyone else's)? If he didn't want me, why would he bother making me his?
I knew what we were doing was wrong, that we should just come out and tell everyone, but the problem with that was that Rei had been Darien's girlfriend for years, since they had been in middle school and up until senior year of high school. According to Rei, he had grown tired of dating someone in high school and had dumped her.
That was seven years they had shared together. Me, I was five years short. Maybe he'd never feel the same way about me as he'd felt for Rei. Was that why he'd never let me into his apartment, because that would, in some way, say that he wouldn't mind if I fully entered his life? Or was last night just a fluke? Maybe last night had only happened because he'd been slightly drunk.
I began to regret ever seeing this particular building and the man who resided within it. I would be making a fool of myself if I went in there and asked the security guard to tell Darien I was here. He'd hate me for it. He'd be turned off by my clinginess. And I had a class at ten tomorrow, too. That should have been enough reason to make me turn around and walk back home. But I was stupid. I was a stupid love-struck fool and I was craving Darien. My body, my mind and my heart were craving him. I needed him, maybe for just tonight, to have him hold me in his arms… even if it was for just one last time.
And so, with a little nudge from my brain, my body moved towards the building, my hands opened the door, and my legs dragged me over in the security guard's desk. It was here that I paused. My lips couldn't move. They were frozen as I stared at the security guard. He seemed to recognize me from this morning and the night before. I could only manage a small smile at him. He was looking at my soaked body with a curious expression. After a long pause, he cleared his throat and asked, "What can I do for you Miss?"
I bit my bottom lip and answered, "I was wondering if... if you could tell Darien Shields that Serena is here."
He smiled at me and nodded. Picking up the telephone, he called Darien. He informed Darien that I was here. I waited anxiously for the other's reply. He nodded and stated into the receiver, "I'll tell her."
At this point, my heart started to race. I wasn't quite sure if that meant I was allowed to come up or whether he wanted me to leave. The guard murmured a goodbye and hung up. He turned to me and smiled, "He's been expecting you. So go straight to the elevator. It'll take you right up."
I smiled brightly at him and thanked him. It wasn't until I was about to head for the elevators that I noticed the puddle of water that I'd left behind. "I'm sorry," I murmured, blushing madly.
"Not a problem. We'll have someone clean that up immediately."
I nodded numbly and stepped into the elevator. I waited impatiently for the elevator to reach his floor, my heart slamming against my rib cage. Was he really expecting me, or had the security guard just said that to keep me from going psycho? I hoped not. The idea of him expecting me was more than I could deal with. This would mean that he'd at least paid some sort of attention to me.
The elevator stopped and I froze. I didn't want to face him. I wanted to close the elevator doors and run out of this building the minute it reached the lobby. But my legs weren't listening; they walked out of the elevator. And he was standing there, waiting for me, his face displaying no emotions whatsoever. This made my heart stop.
My escape, the elevator, had just closed behind me. So I was trapped. I couldn't run. The only way left to go was forward. Whatever courage that had been guiding me had now run out. And so, I stood before him, shivering from my wet clothes, staring at him. I didn't know what to do. Should I say ‘hi'? Should I hug him? Should I even try and talk to him?
He must have seen that I wasn't going to say or do anything, because he pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. I stood stiffly in his arms, just soaking up his warmth. Soaking. I was soaking him! I quickly pulled away. "I'm sorry!" I began frantically. "I didn't mean to get you wet. I'm sorry. I-"
"It's all right, Serena. Come on, we need to get you warmed up."
"I didn't think it was going to rain," was all I was able to say.
"Of course you didn't," he answered. "If you had, I'm sure you'd have taken an umbrella." He chuckled and guided me into the living room where he sat me down on the couch, even as I protested that it wasn't necessary.
"Of course it is," he replied, after making sure I wasn't going to get up, "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself of you got sick." That's what grounded me to my seat, the fact that he cared. "I'm going to get you a towel, okay?"
I nodded numbly. When he came back, it wasn't only with a towel, but with some clothes as well. I immediately stood up. "This really isn't necessary. I'm really okay with my clothes. I don't think I'll be needing those," I said, pointing to the t-shirt and sweat pants he had in his left hand.
"Stop complaining and take them." I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued to speak. "When you're dried off and are in some warm clothes, you and I can talk, all right?"
"Okay," I said obediently, reluctantly taking the clothes and towel he offered and heading for the bathroom. I closed the door behind me. I scanned the whiteness that was his bathroom and slumped against the door. Out of pure habit, I lowered myself to the floor of his immaculate bathroom.
What had I been thinking? ‘You're getting too caught up in feelings that you don't even understand,' a part of me explained.
I nodded in agreement. ‘Coming here had been an act of temporary insanity. I've never done something like this before.' That little part of me nodded its agreement. Though I felt foolish for talking to myself, I couldn't help but take comfort from this voice.
‘I don't feel like myself..., not at all,' I commented to myself. I ran a hand through my wet hair. What was happening to me? ‘Why am I letting him dictate what I should be doing?'
Even in my self-loathing, I couldn't help but feel grateful to him though. Thank God he hadn't asked me why on earth I had come here. If he did ask me, I have no idea what I'd say. I don't know what I was doing here. Looking at the clothes and towel in my arms, I couldn't help but feel dejected. ‘He's just being nice by giving me towels and dry clothes.' I felt so stupid and foolish, but still, it made me feel warm inside, thinking that he cared about my health.
I took my sneakers, jeans, blouse, and my bra and socks off and stood up, staring at myself in the mirror. This reminded me of this morning and my cowardly escape. Sighing, I quickly put on the t-shirt and sweat pants that he had given me. I hung my wet clothes on one of the free towel racks. I toweled my hair dry and tried to make it look half way decent looking. Shrugging at my mirror self, I stepped out of the bathroom.
Barefooted, I made my way back to the living room. Darien was nowhere to be seen. I settled back onto the couch and waited for him. I didn't have to wait long, because after a few minutes, he entered the living room with a cup in each hand. He handed me one and sat in a loveseat, opposite from me. I thanked him and fell silent. ‘This is the part where I make a fool of myself,' I thought bitterly. ‘This is where I make him loathe me more than he already does. This is the part where I destroy whatever it is that we have.'
"I'm sorry that I ran away and didn't call," I started off. He only nodded and took a sip from his cup. "I didn't mean to run out. I just didn't know what to do. I've never slept over before." I hung my head dejectedly. "I was afraid of what your reaction would be." I knew I was babbling at this point, but I couldn't help it. He made me nervous. This made me nervous. This was where he was going to tell me off. Where he was going to shrug off what happened the night before and tell me that I meant nothing to him. I didn't want to hear those words from him. They would destroy us. They would destroy me.
"I know I probably don't mean a lot to you. That I'll never mean as much to you as Rei ever did. But last night... last night was special for me." By this time, I had lowered my head completely. Where before I had at least glanced at him every once in a while, the only thing getting my attention now was the cup of cocoa he had given me. I really didn't want to see his face. I could already feel my eyes tearing, feel my heart wrenching, ready to be shattered. But I continued on anyway. "I know you might not really like me. That you probably hate being seen with me. But could you please tell me that last night was special for you, too? Even if you have to lie to me."
At the end of this, my face had been -and was still- being assaulted by silent tears. After my speech, the room became deathly silent. Nothing could be heard from him. ‘He's probably thinking of the best way to put me out of my misery,' I thought wretchedly. Out of pure self-preservation, I defensively hunched into myself. I lowered myself further into the couch, wanting desperately to disappear off the face of the earth.
That's when I felt a hand lift my chin up. His face was so close to mine, yet I still couldn't find the nerve to look into his eyes. I knew if he wanted, he could hurt me out of pure malice and shred me to pieces; I was preparing myself for it. This let down wasn't going to be easy. He was going to destroy me.
I closed my eyes, cutting off the waterfall of tears. My plan was, if I couldn't see him, he'd have some mercy and leave me alone, delaying the inevitable ‘break up.' I felt him take the cup from my hands. "Serena, why won't you look at me?" My breathing became labored. He really wasn't going to make this easy. He was going to shatter me. "What are you so afraid of?" he whispered against my lips.
Couldn't he see what was plainly written in front of him? That I was afraid of him. Did he really want me to answer? "I don't want to see you," I finally replied. "I don't want to see the reaction of your face."
Sighing, he cupped my chin. "Open you eyes and look at me." It became plainly obvious to me at this time that I had no choice in the matter. I had to open my eyes and face him.
And so, I opened my eyes to stare into his midnight blue eyes. They were filled with some unknown emotion as he looked at me. "What makes you think I don't care about you?" The more he continued, the more he seemed so angry with me. "That you don't mean as much to me as Rei once did? What makes you think I don't like being seen with you?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but he stopped me. "I love being seen with you. I like having the world know you're mine." He paused and took a deep breath, sneering at me. "The only reason why I don't go out with you more often is because you always tell me you don't want to Rei to know about us. This makes me wonder, do you really want to be with me? To have others know that you're going out with me?"
I didn't know how to respond to that. He was being so vicious. How could he accuse me of something like that? Yes, I did want to be with him, but I really didn't want Rei to know about us. At times, she was still so possessive of Darien that I feared her reaction if she ever found out that I was dating him, that I was currently sleeping with him. "I do want to be seen with you. But Rei-"
"What about her?"
He sounded so annoyed with me. I didn't want him annoyed with me. "I don't think she'd like the idea of us being together and stuff," I awkwardly trailed off, but as an after thought I added, "having dated you for years and all."
His face formed into a scowl, "Screw Rei. She and I ended things long ago. That shouldn't have to hamper our relationship."
"But she's my friend!" I couldn't help but let frustration fill my voice. Couldn't he understand that this could destroy my friendship with Rei if word ever got out? Couldn't he see that I didn't want to lose my friend?
"Look, Angel," he sneered out the nickname he had given me years ago, "I value the fact that you care so much about her feelings, but I want to know, if it ever comes down to me or her, who would you choose?"
I stared at him confusedly. "I wouldn't be able to choose. You both mean so much to me."
He let go of my chin and grabbed both my hands and held them within his. "For Christ's sake," he exclaimed angrily, "I should mean more to you! Damn it! I'm the one who's in love with you!"
I stared at him blankly for a few seconds. Did I hear what I think I did? Were my ears deceiving me? Was this illusion my heart's doing? "You're what?" I asked him stupidly.
"You heard me. Don't you know how much I'm in love with you?" He didn't give me the chance to answer. His lips latched onto mine and he began to kiss me passionately. I kissed him back with just as much fervor.
All I could think about was how much I'd wanted to hear those words spoken from his lips. From the moment I'd first seen him, I knew he'd be the only one for me. It hadn't mattered that he'd been dating one of my best friends at the time. All I could think of was how much I loved being near him, being able to touch him, how I longed for him to be mine. And just now, he'd declared himself to be mine.
But I guess he already knew how much I loved him. Every time his eyes looked into mine, all I could think about was keeping them on me. Whenever he spoke, I wanted to kiss those lips that were speaking to me. Even when he was angry with me, I still wanted him to hold me. As soon as we parted, I wanted to see him again. And my heart… it skips a beat every time I think I see him on the streets. I don't care how he sees me now. I'll be his lover, his friend, his enemy. As long as I'm with him, I know I'll be happy. He's all I need in life.
Last edited on January 15, 2006
AN: Ya, I found myself a new editor editor (Yay! Isn't Amethyst Heart the best??) and we're working on all my stuff. This was a short piece so it was the first to go through spelling and grammar corrections. I hope you all notice the difference, cuz I did. Anyways, the next installment to this will probably be out around Feb. 10, but don't quote me on that. You'll also finally see Undefinable up sometime one this site. It used to be on FF.net.
--Jayden
PS: Even after looking over this, I still think it's a ball of fluff. The next and last installment will have angst. Not so much that you feel like it's suffocating, but enough to have my revenge. Till next time.
TITLE:Morning After (part II of Undefinable)
SERIES:Sailor Moon
RATING:PG-13
CHAPTERS/ONE SHOT:One-shot
GENRE: Angst, romance
PAIRING:Usagi/Mamoru
SUMMARY: It's the morning after. The only thing on Serena's mind is Darien after she ran out on him. Knowing that there'll be consequences for her actions, she cannot help but go see him one last time.
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon copyright © Naoko Takeuchi. I’m just borrowing these characters for my own sick twisted pleasure. They may be returned slightly broken and bruised.
My first thought upon waking was ‘Ow.' This was followed simultaneously by an ‘Oh shit.'
My head was killing me. It wasn't the worst headache I've ever suffered from, not by a long shot, but it was the first time I'd ever woken up feeling like that. My whole body was aching all over, and in one or two unusual places.
Stupidly, I moved... and froze.
Where ever I was, there was something there, pinning me down. I tried not to panic. I tried controlling my breathing. There was something warm behind me.
There was someone else in the bed with me. It had to be a person. It clearly explained why there was an arm holding me tightly around my stomach. The rest of the body was behind me. I could also feel the slow, shallow breath between my shoulder blades.
I slowly opened my eyes and flinched from the bright light streaming from a nearby window. Weren't there any curtains? It appeared so. I tried to move again, but the arm around my waist tightened and pulled me closer to the warm body.
I knew for sure that wherever this was, it wasn't my room. It didn't look like my room, for surely I could recognize my own bedroom. It was more spacious than mine; the bed I was on was much bigger than mine. And the color…
‘Ah. Oh yes. That. I remember.' Did that really happen last night? Did I really truly give myself to him? I shook my head and quickly sucked in a breath. All I could think about was getting some Advil to get rid of this killer headache.
Moving slowly and carefully-out of my desire to keep my head from splitting as well as to not wake Darien up-I disentangled myself from him. I slid out of the bed and stood up.
I couldn't help but lean closer to stare at his sleeping form. ‘He's so beautiful,' I thought. I watched his body expand and retract from his even breaths, the soft flutter of his thick eyelashes as they flickered up and down, and the way his dark hair fell flat against his head from sleeping.
I have never actually spent the night with him. I have never woken up with him beside me. He usually disappeared during the night. It felt nice, waking up to him, having him hold me so protectively. It may have felt nice, but that didn't mean I'd be staying later on. Even though I had supposedly admitted to ‘giving' myself -my soul- to him, I didn't want to see his reaction to what happened the night before. I didn't want to see a look of disgust cross his face as he looked at me. It would be the final blow that would destroy this fragile thing between us.
Now everything would go back to the way it was before. Though I loathe the idea more than I'll ever readily admit, the thought of what would happen to him -to me- if the others found out about us was enough to get me moving.
My jeans, along with most of my other clothes, and Darien's were strewn across the floor in a rather embarrassing manner and worst, my underwear was hanging haphazardly from one of the lamps.
I got my jeans and underwear and struggled into both. It took me a while to find my tank-top and blouse, but I found them both.
I gritted my teeth as I straightened up with the aid of the closet doorknob. The headache didn't seem to be too big of a problem now. The problem, the worst part of this hangover, was the ominous lurch in my stomach as I moved too quickly. The whole world became a blur and I knew I would gag. I really needed to find that bottle of Advil.
I made my way out of his bedroom. In the hallway, I tried to remember where the bathrooms were located. I passed room after room until I finally came to the kitchen. My stomach lurched at the thought of food, so I quickly left and found myself in the den.
There were only one or two rooms left, so the bathroom had to be around here. That, too, took me a while to search, but upon finding it, I was blinded by whiteness. I had to blink a couple of times before the dots dancing within my vision left.
I looked into the medicine cabinet and tried to find anything that looked like painkillers. He seemed to have only three different brands. I chose the Motrin, since it was stronger than Advil, and downed it with some tap water.
That having been done, I looked in my jeans' pockets to try and find some money. I really wasn't in the best shape to walk home alone. And the fact that I couldn't find my sandals from the night before contributed to that decision as well. I had about twenty-five dollars from both pockets. Leaving the bathroom, I made my way into the den and used his phone to call a cab.
~*~*~
I waited in the lobby of his apartment building for twenty minutes before I finally saw a cab come into view. As I was about to leave, I encountered the same security guard from the night before. He gave me a weird look after seeing my bare feet and my disheveled hair. I smiled weakly at him and quickly left the building.
Outside, the sidewalk was cold against my bare feet and the cold pre-morning air battered my body, since I couldn't find my coat. Shivering, I gave the cabbie my address and asked for the time. I had been too nervous to ask the security guard at the lobby earlier.
The cabbie gave me a look -it was one of those ‘what is she on?' sorts of looks that made your skin crawl- and informed me that it was six thirty in the morning. He must have really thought I was still hung-over if I was asking him for the time. I didn't care though. I sighed with relief and buried myself into my seat. I wasn't going to be late for my early morning class. I'd probably only have enough time to shower and eat some breakfast when I got home. After that, I'd have to face the day, with or without this killer hangover.
I made a mental note to remember to complain to/compliment Lita later. Those two Ice Angels had been enough to scramble my brain. Enough that I'd let myself fall privy to Darien and continue this cycle of one-night stands that made up our relationship.
It wasn't long before the cab arrived at the off-campus apartment I shared with Mina. I paid the cabbie with the twenty and climbed out of the cab.
My apartment didn't look any different from all the apartment buildings on this street. They were all five-floored brick-faced buildings with the same sickly grey steps and the same slightly dirtied glass doors leading into the same dull entryways.
I took the elevator to the third floor and got out my keys. My apartment was all the way at the end of the hallway.
I closed the door to my apartment behind me with a soft click. This click seemed to resound throughout the whole apartment.
I wearily leaned against the door, my tired gaze scanning over the familiar surroundings without really seeing anything. My mind was formulating excuses should Mina be up this early, though I seriously doubted it. Her first class was around noon, while mine was around nine. Though I really wasn't a morning person, I found that I liked my morning classes more than my afternoon ones. I usually lost interest around noon, so afternoon classes had been out and I ended up with two weekend classes.
Sitting there, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd make a big deal out of it. Would she immediately reprimand me for dating Rei's ex? Would she feel the need to inform the others of our relationship? With an inaudible sigh, I made my way out of our living room and strode to the bathroom. Sleep and food would have to wait until I showered.
I methodically took off my clothes and walked over to the tub to run a hot bath. I reached out and turned on the water, only to see several huge red bruises on my left arm. ‘What the-'
Seeing that mark made me want to check the rest of my body. Standing up on top of the toilet seat, I glanced at myself in the mirror. I wasn't surprised to find more than a few red marks. A reddish purple bruise decorated my right and left hip, with trailing red marks running inside my inner thighs. I found smaller red ones in other odd places.
The more I looked, the more they seemed to be multiplying. There were some on my neck, running down my shoulders. "Dear God, this is like the invasion of the hickeys!" I whispered harshly to myself. That's all I needed, one more thing to betray my whereabouts about the night before. These hickeys would probably not fade for a couple of days, maybe even a few weeks. Damn Darien and his possessiveness!
I slumped down to sit on top of the toilet, gripping my sides hard enough to bruise. I could only imagine how I had gotten them all, since I seem only to remember certain aspects of our night together.
I blushed as I looked into our medicine cabinet. There was a packet of ‘Morning After' pills in the first row of things useful and useless. If I wanted to use it, I'd have to wait until after the Motrin wore off. By having these pills, did this mean that Mina and I were sluts? I could remember exactly when we'd both gone to the physician at the local health center and asked for a lot of these packets, reasoning that one could never be prepared enough. It was the fact that I couldn't remember whether Darien and I used protection or not that made my heart race. Did this mean I'd have to have some STD tests...and an AIDS test? I hoped not, but another part of me was arguing about how it was better to be safe than sorry.
I snapped out of my thoughts after hearing the loud running of the water. I walked over and turned it off. Then, grabbing the bar of soap from its holder, I slid into the tub, a soft hiss escaping my lips. The water was scalding hot; just the way I liked it. Maybe this would relieve some of the tension in my body and the slight self-loathing I was feeling. And maybe, it would lessen the bruises, too.
I ran the soap around my body trying to get rid of the alcohol and sex smell. The sex smell was probably just my imagination, but nonetheless, I tried my best to get rid of it.
~*~*~
All day at university, I hadn't been able to totally concentrate. I was unable to give anything more than half my attention. I'd only been able to forget about my dilemma when I was having lunch with Amy, Mina and Rei. Amy seemed to be the only one to notice that I was acting a little bit off.
When Mina had asked me where I was the night before, my excuse for being missing had been simple. I just told her that my Bio lab had a time change for this week. I was quite surprised that she had bought it. I'd never peg her as being so gullible. And for once, I was glad that my two classes of the day had over one hundred students. The professors hadn't been able to see me in my little corner and pick on me. That had truly been a blessing in disguise.
My daydreams of him could be triggered by anything-a voice, a phrase, an object in a window, a person who seemed to have eyes or hair like him. I was obsessing and I couldn't help it. Everything reminded me of him. Like this afternoon, while I was having lunch with Amy, Rei and Mina. I had been dreaming of him whispering in my ear, his hands stroking my body, his lips trailing kisses down my neck, my shoulders and beyond. It had taken Rei screaming shrilly in my ear in order to get me away from my thoughts. It would have been acceptable if this had only happened once during lunch, but that wasn't the case. I had about four different daydream-fantasies of him in an hour. It seemed after promising to give him my heart and soul, I'd managed to work my mind into the deal.
At work that evening, I'd had to deal with dodging my overly friendly co-workers and the gossips from their daily lives (which seemed less interesting today than any other day). Lita hadn't been anywhere to be seen and for once I was glad to have been left alone. The only problem had been Seiya. He didn't even bother to say ‘hi'. He always said hi before he went down to the club for his shift. And to make things worse, I'd gotten one of the most neurotic customers ever at the restaurant. He'd begun his complaining since his starter arrived ('not crisp enough'), right through to dessert ('Miss if I wanted a lump of stale cake I would have requested it. I requested a, and I quote from the menu, 'deliciously moist, over-indulgent slice of fudge gateaux.'). I was quite surprised that I hadn't thrown the cup of coffee in his face after he'd yelled, 'I said no sugar, not extra sugar!' at me. I'll admit, I was a terrible waitress. I probably wouldn't have lasted a day in any other diners or restaurants, but here I was, two months later, still working at ‘Jupiter's Garden'.
~*~*~
My Darien infested thoughts had brought me to a new low. This was all I could think of as I stood in front of his apartment building two weeks later. It was seven twenty-five and I had just gotten off from work. I was drenched only because it was raining. I had been avoiding him like the plague. For a good two weeks I was able to restrain myself. But I've betrayed myself. And so, there I stood, looking at his building like a deranged stalker as the rain proceeded to try and drown.
A part of me so badly wanted to go in; another part felt stupid for wanting someone so much that it had hampered my ability to have a regular routine. Before, he had been slowly taking over me, altering certain parts of my schedule, just so I could be near him, to touch him and know that he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. If he didn't want me, why would he surreptitiously suggest we do things together, "hang out" (although our idea of ‘hanging out' was so different from everyone else's)? If he didn't want me, why would he bother making me his?
I knew what we were doing was wrong, that we should just come out and tell everyone, but the problem with that was that Rei had been Darien's girlfriend for years, since they had been in middle school and up until senior year of high school. According to Rei, he had grown tired of dating someone in high school and had dumped her.
That was seven years they had shared together. Me, I was five years short. Maybe he'd never feel the same way about me as he'd felt for Rei. Was that why he'd never let me into his apartment, because that would, in some way, say that he wouldn't mind if I fully entered his life? Or was last night just a fluke? Maybe last night had only happened because he'd been slightly drunk.
I began to regret ever seeing this particular building and the man who resided within it. I would be making a fool of myself if I went in there and asked the security guard to tell Darien I was here. He'd hate me for it. He'd be turned off by my clinginess. And I had a class at ten tomorrow, too. That should have been enough reason to make me turn around and walk back home. But I was stupid. I was a stupid love-struck fool and I was craving Darien. My body, my mind and my heart were craving him. I needed him, maybe for just tonight, to have him hold me in his arms… even if it was for just one last time.
And so, with a little nudge from my brain, my body moved towards the building, my hands opened the door, and my legs dragged me over in the security guard's desk. It was here that I paused. My lips couldn't move. They were frozen as I stared at the security guard. He seemed to recognize me from this morning and the night before. I could only manage a small smile at him. He was looking at my soaked body with a curious expression. After a long pause, he cleared his throat and asked, "What can I do for you Miss?"
I bit my bottom lip and answered, "I was wondering if... if you could tell Darien Shields that Serena is here."
He smiled at me and nodded. Picking up the telephone, he called Darien. He informed Darien that I was here. I waited anxiously for the other's reply. He nodded and stated into the receiver, "I'll tell her."
At this point, my heart started to race. I wasn't quite sure if that meant I was allowed to come up or whether he wanted me to leave. The guard murmured a goodbye and hung up. He turned to me and smiled, "He's been expecting you. So go straight to the elevator. It'll take you right up."
I smiled brightly at him and thanked him. It wasn't until I was about to head for the elevators that I noticed the puddle of water that I'd left behind. "I'm sorry," I murmured, blushing madly.
"Not a problem. We'll have someone clean that up immediately."
I nodded numbly and stepped into the elevator. I waited impatiently for the elevator to reach his floor, my heart slamming against my rib cage. Was he really expecting me, or had the security guard just said that to keep me from going psycho? I hoped not. The idea of him expecting me was more than I could deal with. This would mean that he'd at least paid some sort of attention to me.
The elevator stopped and I froze. I didn't want to face him. I wanted to close the elevator doors and run out of this building the minute it reached the lobby. But my legs weren't listening; they walked out of the elevator. And he was standing there, waiting for me, his face displaying no emotions whatsoever. This made my heart stop.
My escape, the elevator, had just closed behind me. So I was trapped. I couldn't run. The only way left to go was forward. Whatever courage that had been guiding me had now run out. And so, I stood before him, shivering from my wet clothes, staring at him. I didn't know what to do. Should I say ‘hi'? Should I hug him? Should I even try and talk to him?
He must have seen that I wasn't going to say or do anything, because he pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. I stood stiffly in his arms, just soaking up his warmth. Soaking. I was soaking him! I quickly pulled away. "I'm sorry!" I began frantically. "I didn't mean to get you wet. I'm sorry. I-"
"It's all right, Serena. Come on, we need to get you warmed up."
"I didn't think it was going to rain," was all I was able to say.
"Of course you didn't," he answered. "If you had, I'm sure you'd have taken an umbrella." He chuckled and guided me into the living room where he sat me down on the couch, even as I protested that it wasn't necessary.
"Of course it is," he replied, after making sure I wasn't going to get up, "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself of you got sick." That's what grounded me to my seat, the fact that he cared. "I'm going to get you a towel, okay?"
I nodded numbly. When he came back, it wasn't only with a towel, but with some clothes as well. I immediately stood up. "This really isn't necessary. I'm really okay with my clothes. I don't think I'll be needing those," I said, pointing to the t-shirt and sweat pants he had in his left hand.
"Stop complaining and take them." I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued to speak. "When you're dried off and are in some warm clothes, you and I can talk, all right?"
"Okay," I said obediently, reluctantly taking the clothes and towel he offered and heading for the bathroom. I closed the door behind me. I scanned the whiteness that was his bathroom and slumped against the door. Out of pure habit, I lowered myself to the floor of his immaculate bathroom.
What had I been thinking? ‘You're getting too caught up in feelings that you don't even understand,' a part of me explained.
I nodded in agreement. ‘Coming here had been an act of temporary insanity. I've never done something like this before.' That little part of me nodded its agreement. Though I felt foolish for talking to myself, I couldn't help but take comfort from this voice.
‘I don't feel like myself..., not at all,' I commented to myself. I ran a hand through my wet hair. What was happening to me? ‘Why am I letting him dictate what I should be doing?'
Even in my self-loathing, I couldn't help but feel grateful to him though. Thank God he hadn't asked me why on earth I had come here. If he did ask me, I have no idea what I'd say. I don't know what I was doing here. Looking at the clothes and towel in my arms, I couldn't help but feel dejected. ‘He's just being nice by giving me towels and dry clothes.' I felt so stupid and foolish, but still, it made me feel warm inside, thinking that he cared about my health.
I took my sneakers, jeans, blouse, and my bra and socks off and stood up, staring at myself in the mirror. This reminded me of this morning and my cowardly escape. Sighing, I quickly put on the t-shirt and sweat pants that he had given me. I hung my wet clothes on one of the free towel racks. I toweled my hair dry and tried to make it look half way decent looking. Shrugging at my mirror self, I stepped out of the bathroom.
Barefooted, I made my way back to the living room. Darien was nowhere to be seen. I settled back onto the couch and waited for him. I didn't have to wait long, because after a few minutes, he entered the living room with a cup in each hand. He handed me one and sat in a loveseat, opposite from me. I thanked him and fell silent. ‘This is the part where I make a fool of myself,' I thought bitterly. ‘This is where I make him loathe me more than he already does. This is the part where I destroy whatever it is that we have.'
"I'm sorry that I ran away and didn't call," I started off. He only nodded and took a sip from his cup. "I didn't mean to run out. I just didn't know what to do. I've never slept over before." I hung my head dejectedly. "I was afraid of what your reaction would be." I knew I was babbling at this point, but I couldn't help it. He made me nervous. This made me nervous. This was where he was going to tell me off. Where he was going to shrug off what happened the night before and tell me that I meant nothing to him. I didn't want to hear those words from him. They would destroy us. They would destroy me.
"I know I probably don't mean a lot to you. That I'll never mean as much to you as Rei ever did. But last night... last night was special for me." By this time, I had lowered my head completely. Where before I had at least glanced at him every once in a while, the only thing getting my attention now was the cup of cocoa he had given me. I really didn't want to see his face. I could already feel my eyes tearing, feel my heart wrenching, ready to be shattered. But I continued on anyway. "I know you might not really like me. That you probably hate being seen with me. But could you please tell me that last night was special for you, too? Even if you have to lie to me."
At the end of this, my face had been -and was still- being assaulted by silent tears. After my speech, the room became deathly silent. Nothing could be heard from him. ‘He's probably thinking of the best way to put me out of my misery,' I thought wretchedly. Out of pure self-preservation, I defensively hunched into myself. I lowered myself further into the couch, wanting desperately to disappear off the face of the earth.
That's when I felt a hand lift my chin up. His face was so close to mine, yet I still couldn't find the nerve to look into his eyes. I knew if he wanted, he could hurt me out of pure malice and shred me to pieces; I was preparing myself for it. This let down wasn't going to be easy. He was going to destroy me.
I closed my eyes, cutting off the waterfall of tears. My plan was, if I couldn't see him, he'd have some mercy and leave me alone, delaying the inevitable ‘break up.' I felt him take the cup from my hands. "Serena, why won't you look at me?" My breathing became labored. He really wasn't going to make this easy. He was going to shatter me. "What are you so afraid of?" he whispered against my lips.
Couldn't he see what was plainly written in front of him? That I was afraid of him. Did he really want me to answer? "I don't want to see you," I finally replied. "I don't want to see the reaction of your face."
Sighing, he cupped my chin. "Open you eyes and look at me." It became plainly obvious to me at this time that I had no choice in the matter. I had to open my eyes and face him.
And so, I opened my eyes to stare into his midnight blue eyes. They were filled with some unknown emotion as he looked at me. "What makes you think I don't care about you?" The more he continued, the more he seemed so angry with me. "That you don't mean as much to me as Rei once did? What makes you think I don't like being seen with you?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but he stopped me. "I love being seen with you. I like having the world know you're mine." He paused and took a deep breath, sneering at me. "The only reason why I don't go out with you more often is because you always tell me you don't want to Rei to know about us. This makes me wonder, do you really want to be with me? To have others know that you're going out with me?"
I didn't know how to respond to that. He was being so vicious. How could he accuse me of something like that? Yes, I did want to be with him, but I really didn't want Rei to know about us. At times, she was still so possessive of Darien that I feared her reaction if she ever found out that I was dating him, that I was currently sleeping with him. "I do want to be seen with you. But Rei-"
"What about her?"
He sounded so annoyed with me. I didn't want him annoyed with me. "I don't think she'd like the idea of us being together and stuff," I awkwardly trailed off, but as an after thought I added, "having dated you for years and all."
His face formed into a scowl, "Screw Rei. She and I ended things long ago. That shouldn't have to hamper our relationship."
"But she's my friend!" I couldn't help but let frustration fill my voice. Couldn't he understand that this could destroy my friendship with Rei if word ever got out? Couldn't he see that I didn't want to lose my friend?
"Look, Angel," he sneered out the nickname he had given me years ago, "I value the fact that you care so much about her feelings, but I want to know, if it ever comes down to me or her, who would you choose?"
I stared at him confusedly. "I wouldn't be able to choose. You both mean so much to me."
He let go of my chin and grabbed both my hands and held them within his. "For Christ's sake," he exclaimed angrily, "I should mean more to you! Damn it! I'm the one who's in love with you!"
I stared at him blankly for a few seconds. Did I hear what I think I did? Were my ears deceiving me? Was this illusion my heart's doing? "You're what?" I asked him stupidly.
"You heard me. Don't you know how much I'm in love with you?" He didn't give me the chance to answer. His lips latched onto mine and he began to kiss me passionately. I kissed him back with just as much fervor.
All I could think about was how much I'd wanted to hear those words spoken from his lips. From the moment I'd first seen him, I knew he'd be the only one for me. It hadn't mattered that he'd been dating one of my best friends at the time. All I could think of was how much I loved being near him, being able to touch him, how I longed for him to be mine. And just now, he'd declared himself to be mine.
But I guess he already knew how much I loved him. Every time his eyes looked into mine, all I could think about was keeping them on me. Whenever he spoke, I wanted to kiss those lips that were speaking to me. Even when he was angry with me, I still wanted him to hold me. As soon as we parted, I wanted to see him again. And my heart… it skips a beat every time I think I see him on the streets. I don't care how he sees me now. I'll be his lover, his friend, his enemy. As long as I'm with him, I know I'll be happy. He's all I need in life.
Last edited on January 15, 2006
AN: Ya, I found myself a new editor editor (Yay! Isn't Amethyst Heart the best??) and we're working on all my stuff. This was a short piece so it was the first to go through spelling and grammar corrections. I hope you all notice the difference, cuz I did. Anyways, the next installment to this will probably be out around Feb. 10, but don't quote me on that. You'll also finally see Undefinable up sometime one this site. It used to be on FF.net.
--Jayden
PS: Even after looking over this, I still think it's a ball of fluff. The next and last installment will have angst. Not so much that you feel like it's suffocating, but enough to have my revenge. Till next time.