Depressed
I totally bombed the easiest interview in the world today. Not sure why, but I just totally blanked for no reason I can discern.
So now I feel ultra depressed. And because I feel ultra depressed, I wonder what death would be like. Which got me thinking even more. It got me thinking that I actually think about death quite a lot. Probably more than the average person does. So if I'm thinking about death and suicide a lot, does that mean I have a case of depression? I mean, it happens a lot, I just get over it pretty quickly usually. I guess I get depressed maybe once a week? But by trying to self diagnose myself as someone who is suffering from depression, and being convinced that I have depression, does that mean I don't have depression, but really just a case of hypochondria? Am I a hypochondriac? If I'm depressed that I might be a hypochondriac, does that mean I have depression? What if I'm becoming agitated that I'm thinking that I might be hypochondriac because I think I'm depressed? What then? What is that then?
Fuck. Just so frustrated. I'm overqualified. I'm underqualified. I'm overqualified. I'm underqualified. If I'm fucking over qualified, why can't I have the fucking job? I'm obviously willing to do the work, so who the fuck cares if I know more than you do? Are you afraid that I'll rise up and take you job? That must be it. You must be fucking afraid of me.
Now I'm an egoist. I can't get over my superiority over others. But I'm depressed about that. To paraphrase a line from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - The Series - "So I have an inferiority complex about having a superiority complex."
Or do I? What the fuck do I have? I have NOTHING right now. I have my car. And my computer. That's it. I don't have a house. I don't have a job. I don't have the qualification to do the job that I know I can do, but I can't get the job to get the qualifications to do the job that I know I can do.
I just want a break right now. Someone give me a fucking break. No, I know I don't deserve one because I've always been able to get he breaks, but fuck, I didn't know they were breaks and I need one now.
Now I'm depressed again and I don't want to be like this. I am not like this. I am a happy person. I don't smoke, I don't drink much, I don't even do pot. Maybe I need to start doing all three in copious amounts and then I'll be happy I am where I won't care anymore.
So now I feel ultra depressed. And because I feel ultra depressed, I wonder what death would be like. Which got me thinking even more. It got me thinking that I actually think about death quite a lot. Probably more than the average person does. So if I'm thinking about death and suicide a lot, does that mean I have a case of depression? I mean, it happens a lot, I just get over it pretty quickly usually. I guess I get depressed maybe once a week? But by trying to self diagnose myself as someone who is suffering from depression, and being convinced that I have depression, does that mean I don't have depression, but really just a case of hypochondria? Am I a hypochondriac? If I'm depressed that I might be a hypochondriac, does that mean I have depression? What if I'm becoming agitated that I'm thinking that I might be hypochondriac because I think I'm depressed? What then? What is that then?
Fuck. Just so frustrated. I'm overqualified. I'm underqualified. I'm overqualified. I'm underqualified. If I'm fucking over qualified, why can't I have the fucking job? I'm obviously willing to do the work, so who the fuck cares if I know more than you do? Are you afraid that I'll rise up and take you job? That must be it. You must be fucking afraid of me.
Now I'm an egoist. I can't get over my superiority over others. But I'm depressed about that. To paraphrase a line from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - The Series - "So I have an inferiority complex about having a superiority complex."
Or do I? What the fuck do I have? I have NOTHING right now. I have my car. And my computer. That's it. I don't have a house. I don't have a job. I don't have the qualification to do the job that I know I can do, but I can't get the job to get the qualifications to do the job that I know I can do.
I just want a break right now. Someone give me a fucking break. No, I know I don't deserve one because I've always been able to get he breaks, but fuck, I didn't know they were breaks and I need one now.
Now I'm depressed again and I don't want to be like this. I am not like this. I am a happy person. I don't smoke, I don't drink much, I don't even do pot. Maybe I need to start doing all three in copious amounts and then I'll be happy I am where I won't care anymore.