this post is not what you call one of them feel good ones
Ive been really down and mellow and shit for the past few days, well more than usual at least. I don't want to do about, sometimes I feel that is nothing I can do to be happy and that sucks. Its good for me to go out because it helps a little but still, sometimes I feel like people are judging me or don't really like me and I know its not true, but I am irrational enough that I can know something is true and not believe it. It is really hard for me to open to anybody and I am not very comfortable around people. I ruminate way to much. I need some kind of focal point in my life, a cause or something to attach my name to, sometime I think about joining the army and I might do it if I wasn't so opposed to the war. I feel like I am see the world through sunglasses and that everything is dark and dingy. I want to be in a relationship with someone but I don't know if I can, I don't if I can be real with someone and not be paranoid and reserved. I hate the fact that my life is a struggle to not fall in a dark hole, and that unless I try I will be sad, and that at any given moment I might cry and that there is really nothing bad about my life, but I can't find anything good with it. Everyone else is out there living and I am just stuck existing. I fell like staying in bed for a month, I get up and I feel like that there is no reason to be awake, and then when I try to sleep I can't. IT BLOWS, but I deal with it. I developed things to help me like being an ass all the time and yelling and being all obnoxious because I don't want to let you in, and I sure as hell don't want you to really know me because I don't like myself, and I don't think you will like me either. I know a lot of stuff but there is one thing I want to know that I would trade all the knowledge I have for, how to be happy.