Heard it from a friend who...
OK, so I'm getting this 3rd hand or something, still, it's funny:
found this on a newsgroup:
I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls
scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called
300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they
could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.
It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out
of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high
school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams
before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use
screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of
like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice
as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco
Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess
what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will
punch him in the brain.
I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass
kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is
kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer
made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE
RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind
of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at
Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up
and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the
director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it
all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from
the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks,
ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got
Rosie O'Donnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD,
PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for
that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around.
And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked
woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-
ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think
they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this - IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED
HOTTIES.
Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE
BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this
year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a
movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
found this on a newsgroup:
I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls
scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called
300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they
could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.
It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out
of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high
school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams
before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use
screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of
like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice
as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco
Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess
what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will
punch him in the brain.
I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass
kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is
kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer
made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE
RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind
of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at
Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up
and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the
director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it
all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from
the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks,
ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got
Rosie O'Donnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD,
PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for
that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around.
And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked
woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-
ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think
they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this - IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED
HOTTIES.
Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE
BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this
year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a
movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.