(no subject)
so this would make the second weekend in a row kari cancelled on me.... its hard to belive someone like her loves me, or even that she exists...
i think thats my bigest fear at the moment. That she is stringing me along the same way cori did. That she is only 16 and can't even drive yet and thats why she isn't coming down... that she is just playing with me for giggles... i have to trust that its not true, and that this is real, but thats never been easy for me. Not after laura and michelle. Its so hard to trust anyone. Everytime i do they hurt me so that i can't see past the pain of it. I want this with kari to work out, i want her to be real and be what she appears to be... and i want to be everything that i can for her... but things don't seem like they want to go in that direction. I can't help but feel helpless and worthless over all of this. She is such an amazing girl... but how can someone like her love me. I have my good qualities, but i just don't know if i could even begin to offer her a life she would want to lead.
I haven't heard from her in hours, she isn't at home, driving to the airport to pick someone up with her neightbour, yes the girl april that is "totally crushing on her" and wants nothing more than to get her for herself... and i am supposed to be ok with her going out and bah... so many things i have to trust in, but its hard with all of these situational things. Her being surrounded by people that want her, her being with people that she would be with if not for me, eventually temptation is going to have to give over, no one can be tempted like that all the time and not indulge a little... especially for someone they haven't seen, don't know, and who isn't around.
i try to pull myself back some from the situation. If she comes good, if not then mabey later... but it hurts now... i am twisted up inside and i can't find a way to unbind my insides... Why can't i just open the doors to chaos and eternity and be washed away in possibility and power. even if i burned out in half a heartbeat it would i think be better than this. This back and forth chance of happyness and hope or despair and pain. I just want this settled. i want her in my arms or i want to know that she isn't coming. I can't stand this waiting and hoping and being able to do nothing.
there isn't anything for it.... she is such a great girl... how is this supposed to be, how is life supposed to go. I don't know if this path was ment for me or if i am lost beyond all hope of finding my way. i just miss her... and i don't know what i am supposed to do about all this.
i feel sick from this situation.
i think thats my bigest fear at the moment. That she is stringing me along the same way cori did. That she is only 16 and can't even drive yet and thats why she isn't coming down... that she is just playing with me for giggles... i have to trust that its not true, and that this is real, but thats never been easy for me. Not after laura and michelle. Its so hard to trust anyone. Everytime i do they hurt me so that i can't see past the pain of it. I want this with kari to work out, i want her to be real and be what she appears to be... and i want to be everything that i can for her... but things don't seem like they want to go in that direction. I can't help but feel helpless and worthless over all of this. She is such an amazing girl... but how can someone like her love me. I have my good qualities, but i just don't know if i could even begin to offer her a life she would want to lead.
I haven't heard from her in hours, she isn't at home, driving to the airport to pick someone up with her neightbour, yes the girl april that is "totally crushing on her" and wants nothing more than to get her for herself... and i am supposed to be ok with her going out and bah... so many things i have to trust in, but its hard with all of these situational things. Her being surrounded by people that want her, her being with people that she would be with if not for me, eventually temptation is going to have to give over, no one can be tempted like that all the time and not indulge a little... especially for someone they haven't seen, don't know, and who isn't around.
i try to pull myself back some from the situation. If she comes good, if not then mabey later... but it hurts now... i am twisted up inside and i can't find a way to unbind my insides... Why can't i just open the doors to chaos and eternity and be washed away in possibility and power. even if i burned out in half a heartbeat it would i think be better than this. This back and forth chance of happyness and hope or despair and pain. I just want this settled. i want her in my arms or i want to know that she isn't coming. I can't stand this waiting and hoping and being able to do nothing.
there isn't anything for it.... she is such a great girl... how is this supposed to be, how is life supposed to go. I don't know if this path was ment for me or if i am lost beyond all hope of finding my way. i just miss her... and i don't know what i am supposed to do about all this.
i feel sick from this situation.