(no subject)
There are songs like knives.
This is a period of truth-telling and truth seeking. Admission of the kinks in honesty and confessions. I think that this is the feeling that drives people to look for Jesus. My balance requires maintaining a stance in motion that doesn't reduce my choices to the Whiskey-or-Jesus dichotomy. The space in between and around that is expansive and breathable. It is fuzzy blue and pink.
The song I was just listening to was "By My Side" from Godspell. Yeah, speaking of Jesus-related things, I had an urge to listen to Godspell. It's an intense bunch of songs for me, that soundtrack. As an ex born-again Christian and former musical theatre performer / fanatic, it hits a spot in history that I made grand attempts to sever from my being several years ago. But that spot is still in me. It's still a huge part of me. It's practically it's own person.
That song, upon hearing the first note, triggers mourning baby-like sobs from me. It reminds me of the love and the joy with my father before his death and the way I mourned for him when he died during my 12th summer, such a complicated thing to address. It reminds me of my mother's beautiful singing voice. Her voice is so delicate and powerful. It is haunted by her own childhood and she has always sounded like a little fairy girl encapsulated at the age of 10 forever, so sad but still singing.
I wanted something to cut me from the past fully and completely. The melodies of the past, the joy of the past, my engagement in the moments that were not always good for me and sometimes very harmful. Upon getting away, I just cut it down to Bad Era and Good Era. I wanted it to be simple. I wanted to be born again from my life after I looked at the whole truth of the place I was coming from. The Jesus people...how much we were supposed to project the image of happiness and purity, and how unrealistic it was and is for *anyone ever*. How denial choked so much reality for 20 years and I just wanted to go inverse from it all.
That's impossible. Life doesn't come in halves.
The space in between the fragments is congealing. And it feels like becoming whole, however that feels. I think I know.
This is a period of truth-telling and truth seeking. Admission of the kinks in honesty and confessions. I think that this is the feeling that drives people to look for Jesus. My balance requires maintaining a stance in motion that doesn't reduce my choices to the Whiskey-or-Jesus dichotomy. The space in between and around that is expansive and breathable. It is fuzzy blue and pink.
The song I was just listening to was "By My Side" from Godspell. Yeah, speaking of Jesus-related things, I had an urge to listen to Godspell. It's an intense bunch of songs for me, that soundtrack. As an ex born-again Christian and former musical theatre performer / fanatic, it hits a spot in history that I made grand attempts to sever from my being several years ago. But that spot is still in me. It's still a huge part of me. It's practically it's own person.
That song, upon hearing the first note, triggers mourning baby-like sobs from me. It reminds me of the love and the joy with my father before his death and the way I mourned for him when he died during my 12th summer, such a complicated thing to address. It reminds me of my mother's beautiful singing voice. Her voice is so delicate and powerful. It is haunted by her own childhood and she has always sounded like a little fairy girl encapsulated at the age of 10 forever, so sad but still singing.
I wanted something to cut me from the past fully and completely. The melodies of the past, the joy of the past, my engagement in the moments that were not always good for me and sometimes very harmful. Upon getting away, I just cut it down to Bad Era and Good Era. I wanted it to be simple. I wanted to be born again from my life after I looked at the whole truth of the place I was coming from. The Jesus people...how much we were supposed to project the image of happiness and purity, and how unrealistic it was and is for *anyone ever*. How denial choked so much reality for 20 years and I just wanted to go inverse from it all.
That's impossible. Life doesn't come in halves.
The space in between the fragments is congealing. And it feels like becoming whole, however that feels. I think I know.