Favorite Part about Rainy Days
When the clouds part and the sky reflects on the wet cement
It's just a view that ALWAYS gets to me hehehe not to mention Im also in love with the sky
Last night wasn't that great of a night (which was kind of my own fault of course haha)
Suddenly remembering Mykel always follows by a chain of memories that flood my mind, and wen that happens, its hard not to remember the pain that I went through
This is exactly why Im so terrified and paranoid of love now haha
I realize that Im the kind of person who if I fall, I fall HARD.. especially if I was the one who started liking the other person first.
So I dont wanna fall for someone again unless I know it's worth the fall, and it isnt just some "living in the moment" kind of thing.
I really don't want to be in a relationship anymore because of a simple crush.
If I like someone, thats not enough reason for me to want to be in a relationship with them.
Unless I know Im in love again, then ill risk it. If not, then too bad. I know it may seem like asking a lot but if its dealing with people's hearts, shudnt it be that way?
I know Im not THAT old but I feel like Im not that age where I can just get with someone just cuz he may seem nice or I may seem interested in him.
Love has always been a serious thing for me, but ever since breaking up with Charles, its become waaaaay much seriously for me.
Im too fragile.
But like I was saying
...
Really remembering the time I spent with Mykel always comes with remembering the pain.
And let me tell you, remembering that the only person to fully accept u for who u truly are and you fell head over heals in love with for years when you were a lil pre-teen to a young teenager had a child with some other girl is not very fun..
Not to mention all the other crap that happened as well. Its a long, complicated story..
Im not in love with him anymore but I still seriously remember all the pain and I went through. I remember it so well that I cant help but feel it all over again.
Its kinda like how though ur older and not scared of the dark anymore, u can still remember how terrified u were as a kid. And if you think about it too much, that fear starts to slowly creep back in.
Ud think because I thought about Mykel so much, Id have a dream about him, but instead I had a dream about someone else.
I was hurting bcuz of the first boy i fell crazy in love with, but was comforted by the first boy i ever innocently loved- Jonathan.
(I feel weird finally mentioning his name on here!
)
I dont mention him much especially to others. Probably cuz i dnt feel the need to
He's my own precious memory. My own precious little treasure hehe
I always have dreams of the boy who I liked for over 7 years as a kid when I feel seriously bad.
Hehe ive mentioned him a couple of times here on my LJ but dnt ever mentioned his name. Surprisingly he's all over my real journal.
Every time Im seriously depressed or having a hard time with life, I dream of him out of no where.
When Im not feeling myself, he comes into my dreams reminding me of who I am.
Its comforting yet at the same time kinda depressing cuz it makes me miss and want to see him.. haha but he's like inspiration to me!
He's like a guardian angel.. even though I wudnt be surprised if he probably has long forgotten about me hahaha
The dream was kinda weird though.. like something I didn't quite expect.
I remember spending time with Jonathan in the dream and while I wandered off I bumped into a little girl who looked exactly like me
I called out my own name and she turned around.
She was suspicious of me at first since I happened to know her name while she had no idea who I was, but eventually opened up to me.
Haha she called me "Tita" which was extremely awkward and told her to use "Ate".
I brought her to Jonathan to show him since we knew each other wen I was that age, and he instantly lite up. Somehow I wasnt surprised how he instantly got along with her. She wouldn't stop playing with him.
I remember at one moment he was twirling her and everything seemed to go into slow moment and light up (
hahaha dramatic effect much?!)
How did I feel like he was trying to comfort me through this dream?
It's because in the end it turns out that little girl was my daughter (from the future?) and Jonathan told me she was probably gonna be our daughter since we were bound to have one of our own.
Hahahaha its silly but it made me smile and cheer up.
I forgot about Mykel's kid who wasn't mine and thought about the kid who would really by mine in the future.
I know its like "Why are you even thinking about having a kid?!!!!" haha but its a long story.
Dont worry. Its not like I plan on having a kid any time soon lmao.
Its just something on my mind along with a few memories that would take waaay too much explanation.
So leaving it at this is good enough lol for now i suppose
Looking up at the sky makes me remember how we're still under the same sky and how you could be looking up at it too. Hopefully one day we'll meet again soon.
Jonathan you always comfort me
Thank you
~Beloved Star