It's time the MASKS came off
THIS IS A WARNING 1) THIS IS A STINKING LONG JOUNRNAL ENTRY. 2) EITHER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT OR YOU WON'T AND EITHER WAY IT'S COOL BECAUSE THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANYONE BUT ME AND ME BEING REAL WITH EVERYONE.
I'm calling your bluff...... the stakes are high and I'm risking it all.... I'm calling your bluff and laying all my cards down.... so what you got
I'm not entirely sure where to begin or how to even begin to take off the peices to the numerous masks.
I've always been in and out of churchs so I never really had that stable "religous" influnce in my life; but I grew up with Genesis as my bed time story.
I was always loved by my parents though there were sevreal times in my life when I was told and believed that they never wanted me and that I really wasn't suposed to be born. technacily my mother was never suposed to have children and my dad never really wanted them because of his childhood; But I happened anyway.
I grew up with a "holy roler" grandmother and passive parents. I honestly wonder even todaay if my parents love each other ( I know they love each other but there is no passion in their relationship and it's both thier faults.... I'm just not sure why they stay togeather)*Please don't read that as I want my parents to get a divorce or that I am comfortable with it.... I do however believe that if you have been through counceling and just can't find anyother way to make it work then fine but don't leave on bad terms* but all in all my parents were good to me I never had a need and raerley had a want (only children have perks) but they never told me the loved me they just bought me stuff (expensive stuff)..... hince I never understood what love was and wanted nothing more than to be loved and told that I was loved
I was never truly popluar but I had and still have the attitude to pull it off, I hung out with people who I thought were my friends for 12 years and was popular by association and when they wanted something (older has it's advantages). I was made fun of alot all the way through school by other students and my family; I was cute when I was little but as I got older I turned into the ugly duckling..... Hince I am highly insecure about my looks.
By 16 I was drinking and poping RX and over the counter sleeping pills. I loved the way those pills made me feel. I had control. I chose when and where I would deal with "Issues" and I even had the power to control if I ever woke up again. the diffrence between me and my friends who were poping whatever they could get thier hands on was I never told anyone.... and my parents still don't know. this went on till I meet CMA(ex-pusedo fiance).
by the time I had started dating CMA I was heavily addicted to sleeping pills (maybe not so much as the pills as I was the power of it all) and hid it very well, my parents worked all the time so they never knew and the bf was an hour and a half away so he had no idea..... well until I got into a fight with my mom one night...... my dad was out of town on buisness and I forget what the fight was about.... all I remeber was crying over the phone to CMA while holding a bottle of tequila, shaking and counting out pills...... I never took a single pill that night or any other night after that... CMA arrived at my house and made me flush everything I had..... then I let him take my virginity..... I needed something to replace the pills....... I needed something to replace the loss of power..... my parents never knew. Our relation ship went on for over a year in half in which time I became sexually active..... and in the midst of that relationship I got bored and felt neglected.......
In my bordeum I meet D and well.... unfortuanlty made the mistake of trusting him...... He raped me I was 17.... I went home afraid to tell my parents and emptyed the hot water tank 5 times in the middle of the night.... they never knew.... and CMA told me I was whore and deserved it..... our realtionship quickly went down hill and turned into just sex.
by the end of jounir year, I had thought several times that i was pregnant.... I never was.... and couldn't even look at myself in the mirrior..... I had one friend left.... CMA had taken me away from everything friends family sanity...... Prom came and he turned violent...... he never hit me..... he just threw me across my bed room into my bed and dresser..... it happened once.... the one friend I had.... threanted to kill him..... I learned to hide that night.... behind smiles, make-up, and long dress gloves..... shortly there after the summer before my senior year he propsed kinda sorta and I was a fool to believ he loved me....... my parents found out about our sexual relationship and he didn't have the courage to tell them he loved me and wnted to marry me...... 5 mouths after our forced breakup he got married.... ever since he continousley pops up..... hince our relationship makes me crave affection, acceptance, security..... and I found all of those things in sex.... but it was only instountaneous gratification nothing ever lasted and nothing ever made all the pain go away.
during the first 3 months of our break up I cried myself to sleep.... I then took revenge on everyone and anyone in my path..... I almost caused my parents to get a divorce and my mother wouldn't even look at me much less talk to me..... I got angry.... and cring became yelling..... all directed to... GOD........
I started my senior year at a new high school..... I shut everyone and everything out.... I was so angry.... bitter.... so full of pain..... so dead and empty inside........ I shut myself off.... I was a moving shell..... and I wanted to die...... the thougths of pills came back just like many times before...... I never told anyone..... but the thoughts were always detered..... by this spastic, short girl.... who just would not leave me alone.... all I wanted was to be left alone..... she asked me to come to youth with her everytime she saw me.... I finaly caved..... I went..... and well for the first time in my entier life I understood Genesis.... I understood who Jesus was.... I understood that God did exists......
Thats enough for tonight..... I can't take anymore peices of the mask off.....it hurts and I'm not sure I want to see whats under the rest of those peices..........
so there you go friends.... I've called your bluff..... now that I've let you see me and really know me..... and believe me this is only the begining..... what'ch ya got..... cause the stakes are high.... and I just laid out my cards.....
Lord You've spoken to my heart. you've brought me through all of this and so much more but I'm tring to understand what in the world you are doing.....and for the life of me I don't get it..... are tring to heal me or are you tring to make be real so that the vertical relationship I have with you can be seen and shared horizantaly...... I'm scared Lord, not for me but for the people who read this..... I don't want them to run from you for my mistakes.... and my chocies and experinces..... but I trust you and I pray that the grace you've given me through all of this you will give to those who read this.... b/c Lord I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.... I would have let go long before I ever took the first step to start living..... Lord help them see you.... and help me continue to just be real.... to keep taking off every piece of this retched mask..... no matter the pain I feel help me to trust you with that pain.
~Beloved Trizah (although right now I don't feel like a beloved)
I'm calling your bluff...... the stakes are high and I'm risking it all.... I'm calling your bluff and laying all my cards down.... so what you got
I'm not entirely sure where to begin or how to even begin to take off the peices to the numerous masks.
I've always been in and out of churchs so I never really had that stable "religous" influnce in my life; but I grew up with Genesis as my bed time story.
I was always loved by my parents though there were sevreal times in my life when I was told and believed that they never wanted me and that I really wasn't suposed to be born. technacily my mother was never suposed to have children and my dad never really wanted them because of his childhood; But I happened anyway.
I grew up with a "holy roler" grandmother and passive parents. I honestly wonder even todaay if my parents love each other ( I know they love each other but there is no passion in their relationship and it's both thier faults.... I'm just not sure why they stay togeather)*Please don't read that as I want my parents to get a divorce or that I am comfortable with it.... I do however believe that if you have been through counceling and just can't find anyother way to make it work then fine but don't leave on bad terms* but all in all my parents were good to me I never had a need and raerley had a want (only children have perks) but they never told me the loved me they just bought me stuff (expensive stuff)..... hince I never understood what love was and wanted nothing more than to be loved and told that I was loved
I was never truly popluar but I had and still have the attitude to pull it off, I hung out with people who I thought were my friends for 12 years and was popular by association and when they wanted something (older has it's advantages). I was made fun of alot all the way through school by other students and my family; I was cute when I was little but as I got older I turned into the ugly duckling..... Hince I am highly insecure about my looks.
By 16 I was drinking and poping RX and over the counter sleeping pills. I loved the way those pills made me feel. I had control. I chose when and where I would deal with "Issues" and I even had the power to control if I ever woke up again. the diffrence between me and my friends who were poping whatever they could get thier hands on was I never told anyone.... and my parents still don't know. this went on till I meet CMA(ex-pusedo fiance).
by the time I had started dating CMA I was heavily addicted to sleeping pills (maybe not so much as the pills as I was the power of it all) and hid it very well, my parents worked all the time so they never knew and the bf was an hour and a half away so he had no idea..... well until I got into a fight with my mom one night...... my dad was out of town on buisness and I forget what the fight was about.... all I remeber was crying over the phone to CMA while holding a bottle of tequila, shaking and counting out pills...... I never took a single pill that night or any other night after that... CMA arrived at my house and made me flush everything I had..... then I let him take my virginity..... I needed something to replace the pills....... I needed something to replace the loss of power..... my parents never knew. Our relation ship went on for over a year in half in which time I became sexually active..... and in the midst of that relationship I got bored and felt neglected.......
In my bordeum I meet D and well.... unfortuanlty made the mistake of trusting him...... He raped me I was 17.... I went home afraid to tell my parents and emptyed the hot water tank 5 times in the middle of the night.... they never knew.... and CMA told me I was whore and deserved it..... our realtionship quickly went down hill and turned into just sex.
by the end of jounir year, I had thought several times that i was pregnant.... I never was.... and couldn't even look at myself in the mirrior..... I had one friend left.... CMA had taken me away from everything friends family sanity...... Prom came and he turned violent...... he never hit me..... he just threw me across my bed room into my bed and dresser..... it happened once.... the one friend I had.... threanted to kill him..... I learned to hide that night.... behind smiles, make-up, and long dress gloves..... shortly there after the summer before my senior year he propsed kinda sorta and I was a fool to believ he loved me....... my parents found out about our sexual relationship and he didn't have the courage to tell them he loved me and wnted to marry me...... 5 mouths after our forced breakup he got married.... ever since he continousley pops up..... hince our relationship makes me crave affection, acceptance, security..... and I found all of those things in sex.... but it was only instountaneous gratification nothing ever lasted and nothing ever made all the pain go away.
during the first 3 months of our break up I cried myself to sleep.... I then took revenge on everyone and anyone in my path..... I almost caused my parents to get a divorce and my mother wouldn't even look at me much less talk to me..... I got angry.... and cring became yelling..... all directed to... GOD........
I started my senior year at a new high school..... I shut everyone and everything out.... I was so angry.... bitter.... so full of pain..... so dead and empty inside........ I shut myself off.... I was a moving shell..... and I wanted to die...... the thougths of pills came back just like many times before...... I never told anyone..... but the thoughts were always detered..... by this spastic, short girl.... who just would not leave me alone.... all I wanted was to be left alone..... she asked me to come to youth with her everytime she saw me.... I finaly caved..... I went..... and well for the first time in my entier life I understood Genesis.... I understood who Jesus was.... I understood that God did exists......
Thats enough for tonight..... I can't take anymore peices of the mask off.....it hurts and I'm not sure I want to see whats under the rest of those peices..........
so there you go friends.... I've called your bluff..... now that I've let you see me and really know me..... and believe me this is only the begining..... what'ch ya got..... cause the stakes are high.... and I just laid out my cards.....
Lord You've spoken to my heart. you've brought me through all of this and so much more but I'm tring to understand what in the world you are doing.....and for the life of me I don't get it..... are tring to heal me or are you tring to make be real so that the vertical relationship I have with you can be seen and shared horizantaly...... I'm scared Lord, not for me but for the people who read this..... I don't want them to run from you for my mistakes.... and my chocies and experinces..... but I trust you and I pray that the grace you've given me through all of this you will give to those who read this.... b/c Lord I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.... I would have let go long before I ever took the first step to start living..... Lord help them see you.... and help me continue to just be real.... to keep taking off every piece of this retched mask..... no matter the pain I feel help me to trust you with that pain.
~Beloved Trizah (although right now I don't feel like a beloved)