Needed to write this
I needed to write all of this out, because I know that in the future I won't be able to phrase it all correctly, or I'll forget something I meant to remember but just can't at the time. I know I haven't updated this in forever, and I'm sorry to all of those people I was trying to keep up with and just... well, I didn't. Or couldn't. Or whatever the case may be. So here is some random insight into my life, because sometimes writing these things down makes them more real somehow.
The Navy. My dad was in it for years, and I had always thought about doing ROTC in college but never did, because marching band took up so much time as a Freshman that I was intimidated, and didn't want to join anything else. Then I got distracted, and unfocused, and made a lot of poor life choices. I didn't follow those dreams I had in high school. I never did anything I set out to do. I compromised myself to better fit in with others, and none of that panned out in the end anyway. I'm nowhere near the person I thought I'd be by now, the person I wanted to be, the person I should be. I have no real goals or aspirations. No plans for my future. I never did anything productive with my free time, I never held a job for more than a few months, I never did any internships or volunteered anywhere significant. My life is an empty resume and some hollow grades for classes I don't even remember anymore. And sometimes I just cry at night, panicked over where my life is going to be when I graduate next year, afraid that after all of this it will amount to nothing but a few fun nights and a lot of wasted years.
I told my mom I was considering enlisting in the Navy when I graduate. THE NEXT DAY, completely out of the blue, we get a message on our home phone from a Navy recruiter I talked to FOUR YEARS AGO in high school. He was just following up on people he had talked to in the past, names and numbers he had to see who was still interested and who could be thrown out. If that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. And while I had just mentioned it to my mother in passing, thinking it wouldn't matter for a whole year from now anyway, I got to thinking. If I just push it off like every other major decision in my life, I'm just going to be in the same place a year from now that I am today. Without drive, without a goal, without a plan. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to have my alarm go off in the morning and wonder what the point of getting up is. This it hat purpose I've been lacking. That meaning behind getting up every morning and trying to eat right and get into shape. This is what I've been waiting and looking and hoping for, and if I ignore it now I will never forgive myself.
I'm going to call him back, the recruiter. See if there is something they can do by way of paying off loans or something if I enlist while still in college, but get to finish college off before leaving for training. I think it's too late to do ROTC with the school, but I'll look into that too. And I've never been so excited. And I'v never felt so RIGHT about any decision before, like this is the simplest choice I've ever made, even though it is something so hugely monumental. And I wish everyone I knew would feel the same way, that they could see the excitement in my eyes, know how much this means to me, how I've wanted to serve (though at first I had wanted to be in the Army) since 8th grade. How much I need this in my life right now. I wish that everyone could see it and know and understand as simply as I'm writing it right now, instead of the guilt trips about putting myself into danger and how it will affect them. And maybe they're right. I know the risk. But I also know that if it wasn't for people who would voluntarily take it, then the world would be that much worse off for it. And I remember the days in high school colorguard when I'd volunteer to hold the American flag at parades just for the sense of pride and joy when I walked by and the veterans would stand and salute. And every worry just fades away because it feels SO RIGHT, and I can't believe I waited this long to allow myself to realize that.
I may never forgive myself for listening to the people who said "18 is too young to make that decision, wait until you've graduated college and see if you've changed your mind", but I won't make that mistake again. I think it's time I start listening to myself.
The Navy. My dad was in it for years, and I had always thought about doing ROTC in college but never did, because marching band took up so much time as a Freshman that I was intimidated, and didn't want to join anything else. Then I got distracted, and unfocused, and made a lot of poor life choices. I didn't follow those dreams I had in high school. I never did anything I set out to do. I compromised myself to better fit in with others, and none of that panned out in the end anyway. I'm nowhere near the person I thought I'd be by now, the person I wanted to be, the person I should be. I have no real goals or aspirations. No plans for my future. I never did anything productive with my free time, I never held a job for more than a few months, I never did any internships or volunteered anywhere significant. My life is an empty resume and some hollow grades for classes I don't even remember anymore. And sometimes I just cry at night, panicked over where my life is going to be when I graduate next year, afraid that after all of this it will amount to nothing but a few fun nights and a lot of wasted years.
I told my mom I was considering enlisting in the Navy when I graduate. THE NEXT DAY, completely out of the blue, we get a message on our home phone from a Navy recruiter I talked to FOUR YEARS AGO in high school. He was just following up on people he had talked to in the past, names and numbers he had to see who was still interested and who could be thrown out. If that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. And while I had just mentioned it to my mother in passing, thinking it wouldn't matter for a whole year from now anyway, I got to thinking. If I just push it off like every other major decision in my life, I'm just going to be in the same place a year from now that I am today. Without drive, without a goal, without a plan. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to have my alarm go off in the morning and wonder what the point of getting up is. This it hat purpose I've been lacking. That meaning behind getting up every morning and trying to eat right and get into shape. This is what I've been waiting and looking and hoping for, and if I ignore it now I will never forgive myself.
I'm going to call him back, the recruiter. See if there is something they can do by way of paying off loans or something if I enlist while still in college, but get to finish college off before leaving for training. I think it's too late to do ROTC with the school, but I'll look into that too. And I've never been so excited. And I'v never felt so RIGHT about any decision before, like this is the simplest choice I've ever made, even though it is something so hugely monumental. And I wish everyone I knew would feel the same way, that they could see the excitement in my eyes, know how much this means to me, how I've wanted to serve (though at first I had wanted to be in the Army) since 8th grade. How much I need this in my life right now. I wish that everyone could see it and know and understand as simply as I'm writing it right now, instead of the guilt trips about putting myself into danger and how it will affect them. And maybe they're right. I know the risk. But I also know that if it wasn't for people who would voluntarily take it, then the world would be that much worse off for it. And I remember the days in high school colorguard when I'd volunteer to hold the American flag at parades just for the sense of pride and joy when I walked by and the veterans would stand and salute. And every worry just fades away because it feels SO RIGHT, and I can't believe I waited this long to allow myself to realize that.
I may never forgive myself for listening to the people who said "18 is too young to make that decision, wait until you've graduated college and see if you've changed your mind", but I won't make that mistake again. I think it's time I start listening to myself.