It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything
My life is a rollarcoaster right now. I mean, I have a mix of happiness and a mix of shittyness. For every bad thing, I can always think of something good, and visa versa. It's weird really, I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Yet, I can also say that I am at an all time low. Let me explain...
For the first time in my life I am actually in love. I never thought it would happen and I often thought that I was just never meant to understand or have a true connection with someone, besides my friends I mean. (Toni and Josh, I will try to spare you) Anywho, just when I said 'fuck it, I don't care', it just fell into place and even though it is a fast paced relationship I know that it's ok. And in the the beautiful words of Brandon Boyd "In this moment I am happy". So even if down the road things don't work out, I'll only have good feelings and happy memories and know that this is trully a growing experiance that I am grateful for.
However, despite all this happy love high I'm in, I have this dark cloud called "Mother" looming over my head. Now for the past couple of years things have been getting really rocky between her and I know that it wasn't me going through my "teenage years". Grantide, I know that some of those fights were my fault, but the glut of those were caused from her. My Dad, close friends, and I all believe she has some form of a bipolar disorder. It's sad really, we used to be so close and she was one of my best friends, but now a days, I can't even look at her without cringing. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she has done some wonderful things from me, but during our fights, she has said things that I will never fully forgive her for and I will not forget. I was thinking to myself this early this morning when I tossed and turned in bed trying to go back to sleep. I was just trying to get a little grasp on why she has to treat me the way she does. I can't begin to tell you how many theories I have come up with. One may be jealousy, silly I know, but I tried to view things from her side. It's almost like she doesn't want to see me happy, which I know isn't true, but when I add things up, my thoughts usually equal this assumption. It just hurts that I know things will never be the same as they were. She calls me 'heartless' and 'self-centered' among other things and if you now me at all, I am quite the opposite. I also know that she is the reason that I always feel guilty for things, even if they aren't my fault. I can't wait until I can move out and finally get away from her. I know that she will still call me all the time, but atleast I won't have to deal with her or be the target of all her arguements. When she tried dragging Andy in on it last night, well let's just say that was the final straw, she already hurt my friend Amanda when she lived with us, and I don't need a repeat of that awful night. I believe that her doing that last night was one of the most embarrassing moments I have ever been through. I'm just counting down the months until I can move out...and get out of debt.
Moving on....to my car.
So, my car has been leaking gas, so Andy called off morning shift and we brought my car into the shop (Midas) to have it fixed. Long story short, my car was so badly rusted in the back that all of my fuel lines, fuel tank, and fuel cylinder(?) (<--I don't really remember the name) were about to fall apart. So, obviously I had to get it fixed because I have to go to school and to work. The damages added up to $2000 dollars. Yes, I know...but my car is a '98 and everything else in it is new, tires, spark plugs, spark plug wires, and some other parts that I also forget the names to. So I go ahead and get it fixed causing me to empty all of my savings...all $1400 that I had left....thankfully I was given an $800 loan. So, Thursday when Toni drove me to the shop, I had to pay $1200 to get my car out and then after that I went back up to school and paid $210 towards my school bill (I still owed $1000 towards this school year because I didn't get enough loans/grants) and the day before paid a $289 phone bill because my Mother used up all of our minutes. I made her pay for charges though, but she didn't have the rest of the money until the the day after I got my car out, so when she gave me the last $80, I went back up to Kent State and paid the last little remainder of this months bill.
So, now next month I will owe the final $300 towards school, I still owe $147 for my taxes, and I have that last $800 for my car. Maybe I can ask my Dad for help, but I have a feeling I would have better luck asking the wall...
Maybe I should just learn to work the pole and get a job at a strip club. Just think, I'll get toned and I'll make some pretty good money....now where to get hooker heels *shifts eyes back and forth*
Oh, and let's not forget that fact that I am broken...organ wise...or atleast I thought I was. Two Saturdays ago I thought my left ovary was going to explode. And it hurt for a good couple of days and I made an appointment with my Gyno where I was violated, told that my left ovary was slighty swollen, and schedule to get a very personal ultrasound for tomorrow if you know what I mean.... *sigh* I just hope I don't have to get cut open....
Ok, enough bad things...
Here are some things that make me happy:
Andy and my Wife (aka BF)
My friends
My dog and cats
Music
Cupcakes
Autumn (my favorite season)
Another year of school in the progress of being done
My car is fixed and I don't have to buy gas every 25 miles
Coffee
Chocolate
Fluffy clouds
My bed that is covered in 6 pillows and 3 blankets (heaven)
My Sylvia Browne books ( Josh, stop laughing)
Warm baths
My laptop
New season of Supernatural is about to start <33
Until next time
For the first time in my life I am actually in love. I never thought it would happen and I often thought that I was just never meant to understand or have a true connection with someone, besides my friends I mean. (Toni and Josh, I will try to spare you) Anywho, just when I said 'fuck it, I don't care', it just fell into place and even though it is a fast paced relationship I know that it's ok. And in the the beautiful words of Brandon Boyd "In this moment I am happy". So even if down the road things don't work out, I'll only have good feelings and happy memories and know that this is trully a growing experiance that I am grateful for.
However, despite all this happy love high I'm in, I have this dark cloud called "Mother" looming over my head. Now for the past couple of years things have been getting really rocky between her and I know that it wasn't me going through my "teenage years". Grantide, I know that some of those fights were my fault, but the glut of those were caused from her. My Dad, close friends, and I all believe she has some form of a bipolar disorder. It's sad really, we used to be so close and she was one of my best friends, but now a days, I can't even look at her without cringing. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she has done some wonderful things from me, but during our fights, she has said things that I will never fully forgive her for and I will not forget. I was thinking to myself this early this morning when I tossed and turned in bed trying to go back to sleep. I was just trying to get a little grasp on why she has to treat me the way she does. I can't begin to tell you how many theories I have come up with. One may be jealousy, silly I know, but I tried to view things from her side. It's almost like she doesn't want to see me happy, which I know isn't true, but when I add things up, my thoughts usually equal this assumption. It just hurts that I know things will never be the same as they were. She calls me 'heartless' and 'self-centered' among other things and if you now me at all, I am quite the opposite. I also know that she is the reason that I always feel guilty for things, even if they aren't my fault. I can't wait until I can move out and finally get away from her. I know that she will still call me all the time, but atleast I won't have to deal with her or be the target of all her arguements. When she tried dragging Andy in on it last night, well let's just say that was the final straw, she already hurt my friend Amanda when she lived with us, and I don't need a repeat of that awful night. I believe that her doing that last night was one of the most embarrassing moments I have ever been through. I'm just counting down the months until I can move out...and get out of debt.
Moving on....to my car.
So, my car has been leaking gas, so Andy called off morning shift and we brought my car into the shop (Midas) to have it fixed. Long story short, my car was so badly rusted in the back that all of my fuel lines, fuel tank, and fuel cylinder(?) (<--I don't really remember the name) were about to fall apart. So, obviously I had to get it fixed because I have to go to school and to work. The damages added up to $2000 dollars. Yes, I know...but my car is a '98 and everything else in it is new, tires, spark plugs, spark plug wires, and some other parts that I also forget the names to. So I go ahead and get it fixed causing me to empty all of my savings...all $1400 that I had left....thankfully I was given an $800 loan. So, Thursday when Toni drove me to the shop, I had to pay $1200 to get my car out and then after that I went back up to school and paid $210 towards my school bill (I still owed $1000 towards this school year because I didn't get enough loans/grants) and the day before paid a $289 phone bill because my Mother used up all of our minutes. I made her pay for charges though, but she didn't have the rest of the money until the the day after I got my car out, so when she gave me the last $80, I went back up to Kent State and paid the last little remainder of this months bill.
So, now next month I will owe the final $300 towards school, I still owe $147 for my taxes, and I have that last $800 for my car. Maybe I can ask my Dad for help, but I have a feeling I would have better luck asking the wall...
Maybe I should just learn to work the pole and get a job at a strip club. Just think, I'll get toned and I'll make some pretty good money....now where to get hooker heels *shifts eyes back and forth*
Oh, and let's not forget that fact that I am broken...organ wise...or atleast I thought I was. Two Saturdays ago I thought my left ovary was going to explode. And it hurt for a good couple of days and I made an appointment with my Gyno where I was violated, told that my left ovary was slighty swollen, and schedule to get a very personal ultrasound for tomorrow if you know what I mean.... *sigh* I just hope I don't have to get cut open....
Ok, enough bad things...
Here are some things that make me happy:
Andy and my Wife (aka BF)
My friends
My dog and cats
Music
Cupcakes
Autumn (my favorite season)
Another year of school in the progress of being done
My car is fixed and I don't have to buy gas every 25 miles
Coffee
Chocolate
Fluffy clouds
My bed that is covered in 6 pillows and 3 blankets (heaven)
My Sylvia Browne books ( Josh, stop laughing)
Warm baths
My laptop
New season of Supernatural is about to start <33
Until next time