Realisations on a sunny day
I seem to be reacting to Iniki's in a way not all that different from the way my mother reacted to her mother's passing.
I was more overtly and acutely broken-hearted about knowing it was coming, watching her decline over the past month, and the moment of her passing, than I am about her actually being gone. From the moment I saw the light go out in her eyes (and I watched, for good or ill, the whole time, and felt the moment her heart stopped), the urge to sob abated. At first, I thought I was just numb, but I don't really think that's it.
I miss her intensely -- don't get me wrong. But I'm used to missing people, given how many of my friends and family are scattered around the globe. And yes, I qualify cats as people; the amount of time I spent journaling about it should have given that away right off the top. Only the keen sense that I've already stretched my boss' patience has kept me from insisting on spending the week sitting shiva, as I would for a human family member.
At some point, I expect, my brain will fully process the fact that, in this case, I'm going to be missing her for the rest of my life, and I'll probably have another sob about it; but for now, she just...isn't there. And I'm not at all happy about it, but I'm functional. The sun is shining, and I'm surrounded by people who love me -- and loved her! -- and life continues.
Thank you, one and all.
I was more overtly and acutely broken-hearted about knowing it was coming, watching her decline over the past month, and the moment of her passing, than I am about her actually being gone. From the moment I saw the light go out in her eyes (and I watched, for good or ill, the whole time, and felt the moment her heart stopped), the urge to sob abated. At first, I thought I was just numb, but I don't really think that's it.
I miss her intensely -- don't get me wrong. But I'm used to missing people, given how many of my friends and family are scattered around the globe. And yes, I qualify cats as people; the amount of time I spent journaling about it should have given that away right off the top. Only the keen sense that I've already stretched my boss' patience has kept me from insisting on spending the week sitting shiva, as I would for a human family member.
At some point, I expect, my brain will fully process the fact that, in this case, I'm going to be missing her for the rest of my life, and I'll probably have another sob about it; but for now, she just...isn't there. And I'm not at all happy about it, but I'm functional. The sun is shining, and I'm surrounded by people who love me -- and loved her! -- and life continues.
Thank you, one and all.