KNOCKING DOWN THE FRONT
For the past few years ive had a difficult time finding the balance between not caring enough, and caring too much. I dont know why this is such a damn struggle for me???
As much as I write and try to think "oh this doesnt really bother me " " fuck what people say " "fuck the people who dont ask me to do shit with them when we are suppose to be friends"..etc...it still bothers me. Im really trying to reach deep to figure out why. Why do I feel such a need to be everywhere doing everything and a part of everybodys lives and feel totally rejected when Im not?!
After the long, abusive relationship I was in I literally could NOT care about somebody. It was horrible. I was in a relationship again with a very sweet, caring, giving person and I was in such a shell that she just couldnt break thru it...and i couldnt either. I literally thought I was 'broken' and would never be able to open up and let anybody else in again.
Now..year and a half since that its the total opposite. I started letting everybody and everything in and it started to really hurt. Makes me wanna revert back to my safe shell.
So today I Knock down my Front..if only for today. But i know..gods how i know..its such shakey ground that the slightest thing could cause me to flee.
Where did my strength go? I KNOW its still in there.
As much as I write and try to think "oh this doesnt really bother me " " fuck what people say " "fuck the people who dont ask me to do shit with them when we are suppose to be friends"..etc...it still bothers me. Im really trying to reach deep to figure out why. Why do I feel such a need to be everywhere doing everything and a part of everybodys lives and feel totally rejected when Im not?!
After the long, abusive relationship I was in I literally could NOT care about somebody. It was horrible. I was in a relationship again with a very sweet, caring, giving person and I was in such a shell that she just couldnt break thru it...and i couldnt either. I literally thought I was 'broken' and would never be able to open up and let anybody else in again.
Now..year and a half since that its the total opposite. I started letting everybody and everything in and it started to really hurt. Makes me wanna revert back to my safe shell.
So today I Knock down my Front..if only for today. But i know..gods how i know..its such shakey ground that the slightest thing could cause me to flee.
Where did my strength go? I KNOW its still in there.