(no subject)

[belly_botton]

i dont get it.
one second i will be happy, utterly happy
and with the slightest hint of his name
i am shot back down to what i was
a depressed little shit that does nothing
but wait for the day he will care

i see him with others
making plans
getting numbers
and i so badly want to believe that he will stay

stay the way he was
the way we were
even tho we r already at the end of our trip
i want so badly to start back at the beginning
to do differently anything that drove them away

i still cry
after three mounths
you would think i would have run out of tears
yet every night i cry
wanting to die but not being able to do it mylself
not being able to cut deep enough into the skin
so it will never fill again
not being able to put my wrists into the water
and watch the red swirl in

i still care
i wish he did too.