| thirty five | blank
Everything is turning sour. I wish someone can just bring some sugar and sweeten everything up. I don't know how but I'm hoping so.
I know I've always felt loneliness since I came here but once again I must emphasize on how torturing it can be. Studies may be important but my life will shatter eventually without friends. It seems to me no one will understand how I feel and thus it is so difficult to talk my problems out to anyone I can think of right now.
I want to scream out loud, yet I have no strength to. Friendships take time to grow and I'm never given the chance to build any proper and strong friendship with anyone, and it's getting harder and harder as I grow up. Simply because everyone else has already found their true friends. I may have found really good friends around in my school, I can always share my problems with them, but do they share theirs with me? No, because they have other friends whom they trust more as they've been together for many years. And how do I feel? I feel unloved, I feel extra in their lives, I feel like I'm the excess bit, I feel like I should disappear, I feel like I should vanish forever.
The worst thing is I can't share this with anyone at all, because everyone's involved in it.
Every year I have to face with new faces and new people, and start all over making new friends. At times, I do feel so sick about it. I'm tired. I'm tired about everything.
I have long forgotten how love feels. Is it that wonderful? All I'm asking for is people to love me for who I am, even though I may be different from everyone else, I may think differently, but I still am who I am. Why do I have to be excluded everywhere I go? Am I not good enough to fit into any societies in this country? The loser society perhaps?
I wish I have my mom to hug right now, telling me that everythin will be fine, God will make a way.. All I have is my bolster, who's always there for me when I need to cry on...
To the three of you : it's great seeing how close you all are. I don't know if you know this but you're the closest I have right now in my life, you are so important in my life. Yet, everytime I see you three together, carried high in your moments with each other, with me standing alone at the side, not being part of you, my heart is stabbed again and again. I may sound so paranoid about getting attention and not wanting to be left out, but how else can I feel? Just one way, lonely. If it was any of you, it won't be the same, because you can easily say 'I have someone else, nothing to worry about,' but I don't. So please understand. I can't tell you how I feel, because I can't bring myself to.
Forgive me for whatever wrong I've done. I never mean any harm to any of you.. You're too precious to me.. I'm sorry