[fic] Jumper

[belluminabyssus]

Title: Jumper
Word count: 1314.
notes: Written for May, week 1 of brigits_flame. This is a weird story; I apologize in advance. I don't know why I wrote it. The prompt was "A bag of root vegetables," and I'll be the first to say that this was used very peripherally -- it did, however, inspire the whole thing (my first image, sadly, was of a suicide, not of soup

Comments

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

Well, what is there to say here without letting the envy show through? Two thoughts come to mind.

Cassie-the-human drank it raw before it could hatch

And when she hit the ground, she broke like an egg and was slurped up raw by her other selves just before she cooked.

A part of me complains about this because they are so close but do not match. I am not saying they have to, just that I wish they did somehow. Although the hummingbird has disappeared by the end in a way.

"I still have some of him on my shoe," said Cassie. "If you want it."

"You keep it," said the man.

This brief exchange could be considered a story in and of itself. And a terribly unsettling one, simply by the matter of fact way in which you tell it. I realise there are people who would say things the way Cassie has in order to shock, but we do not get that feeling about Cassie.

What is even more unsettling though is that you do not tell us how the man felt when he tells her to keep it. We are left to our own devices, which can be much worse.

All in all, wonderful job. Thank you for sharing.

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[belluminabyssus]

I do definitely agree with your first point -- I thought about making it be more parallel, but wasn't sure how it would work, or if it would sound too repetitive or not. I couldn't decide, so erred on the side of caution. :) If you have any thoughts about that, I'm all ears!

Thanks so much for the edit, Bardi! :) I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.