Suck Up and Take Your Medicine
Let's begin with something that doesn't suck.
Angie used the song "When Water Comes to Life" by Cloud Cult in Metamorphoses when she directed it at the high school in the fall. And I always thought it was a cool song, but I never thought to look into them further. Now I see them on this Esurance commercial and while the song is totally different, it's still cool. So, I decide to investigate these guys and they've been around for YEARS. And no one's ever told me about them. Here, listen...(it's about the song, not the video...)
Ok, so I think I'm slipping into a depressive state. Which isn't fun, but I think it's good that I'm recognizing that it's happening. My dad and Kim have been up north for the past 3 weeks. Well, this is the beginning of the 3rd week. And they're home on the weekends. But I think all the being alone all the time is really starting to affect me. I sit here and I don't do anything or go anywhere. I don't have a car, so it's difficult to do so. Gibbie and I hang out and go somewhere maybe once a week. And that gets me out of the house, but that's once a week. I go next door to my brother's a lot. And I hang out with him. And Paul Brown. And Scott's 20-year-old girlfriend. (I find that interesting. I date guys older than my big brother and he dates girls younger than his little sister. Wtf, mate?)
So I recognize this depressive state. And to anyone who's been severely depressed, you know how hard it is to make yourself do ANYTHING. But I call my mom and I tell her that I'm catching myself slip. And all I want her to do is tell me she loves me and that everything will be ok and say, "Why don't I pick you up on my way home and you can come over for dinner tonight?" And all she says is that I need to call my Aunt Jocelyn and see if I need my meds adjusted and this big 20 minute lecture on how I'm letting myself be a victim. And it's those whole 20 minutes before I can even tell her that I'm just fucking lonley! And I need some love and attention! And she gets mad at me still and tells me to get dressed and get out of the house and go see if my grandma with alzheimer's needs anything. So I try to explain that I've been trying to make myself do things for the past week and being around my grandma only depresses me further so it'd be better for me to go over there when I'm in a better place. And she doesn't listen.
But I finally slept. Before I talked to her at like 10 this morning, I hadn't slept yet since yesterday. After I talked to her, I called a crisis hotline. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything. It was just to talk to someone who was sympathetic to what I'm going through right now.
Gibbie's supposed to come by tonight. I hope she doesn't bail. I really need to get out.
And I know what really set me off, too. Remember the cutest picture I have ever taken with a boy? That was New Year's Eve. And we had a wonderful time. I was trying to get him to visit me before I leave in 3 weeks. And I asked him why he wouldn't. And he said, "You deserve someone who loves you. I like you, but I don't care for you as much as you seem to care for me." And it was partially the rejection. I mean, not really. I knew that I liked him way more than he liked me. I already knew that. I think it was the line, "you deserve someone who loves you."
So yeah, I abandon my livejournal for nearly a year and I only come back to dump a depressing novel-length entry on everyone. And no one will read it, so it's ok. My journal. Write what I want. Write what I need.
Maybe I should shower and do my hair and makeup and do some cam-whoring. Vanity is by far my favorite sin.
Angie used the song "When Water Comes to Life" by Cloud Cult in Metamorphoses when she directed it at the high school in the fall. And I always thought it was a cool song, but I never thought to look into them further. Now I see them on this Esurance commercial and while the song is totally different, it's still cool. So, I decide to investigate these guys and they've been around for YEARS. And no one's ever told me about them. Here, listen...(it's about the song, not the video...)
Click to viewOk, so I think I'm slipping into a depressive state. Which isn't fun, but I think it's good that I'm recognizing that it's happening. My dad and Kim have been up north for the past 3 weeks. Well, this is the beginning of the 3rd week. And they're home on the weekends. But I think all the being alone all the time is really starting to affect me. I sit here and I don't do anything or go anywhere. I don't have a car, so it's difficult to do so. Gibbie and I hang out and go somewhere maybe once a week. And that gets me out of the house, but that's once a week. I go next door to my brother's a lot. And I hang out with him. And Paul Brown. And Scott's 20-year-old girlfriend. (I find that interesting. I date guys older than my big brother and he dates girls younger than his little sister. Wtf, mate?)
So I recognize this depressive state. And to anyone who's been severely depressed, you know how hard it is to make yourself do ANYTHING. But I call my mom and I tell her that I'm catching myself slip. And all I want her to do is tell me she loves me and that everything will be ok and say, "Why don't I pick you up on my way home and you can come over for dinner tonight?" And all she says is that I need to call my Aunt Jocelyn and see if I need my meds adjusted and this big 20 minute lecture on how I'm letting myself be a victim. And it's those whole 20 minutes before I can even tell her that I'm just fucking lonley! And I need some love and attention! And she gets mad at me still and tells me to get dressed and get out of the house and go see if my grandma with alzheimer's needs anything. So I try to explain that I've been trying to make myself do things for the past week and being around my grandma only depresses me further so it'd be better for me to go over there when I'm in a better place. And she doesn't listen.
But I finally slept. Before I talked to her at like 10 this morning, I hadn't slept yet since yesterday. After I talked to her, I called a crisis hotline. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything. It was just to talk to someone who was sympathetic to what I'm going through right now.
Gibbie's supposed to come by tonight. I hope she doesn't bail. I really need to get out.
And I know what really set me off, too. Remember the cutest picture I have ever taken with a boy? That was New Year's Eve. And we had a wonderful time. I was trying to get him to visit me before I leave in 3 weeks. And I asked him why he wouldn't. And he said, "You deserve someone who loves you. I like you, but I don't care for you as much as you seem to care for me." And it was partially the rejection. I mean, not really. I knew that I liked him way more than he liked me. I already knew that. I think it was the line, "you deserve someone who loves you."
So yeah, I abandon my livejournal for nearly a year and I only come back to dump a depressing novel-length entry on everyone. And no one will read it, so it's ok. My journal. Write what I want. Write what I need.
Maybe I should shower and do my hair and makeup and do some cam-whoring. Vanity is by far my favorite sin.