three parts od dr.phil input and its all GREAT in put
Ten Relationship Myths
Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE
Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.
MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER
There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities.
If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it!
MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:
Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating.
Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.
MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated - especially if they are potentially destructive.
MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale."
Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.
MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER
Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship.
Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.
MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT
Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value.
MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.
Fixing a Broken Marriage
It is not too late: You can rescue your relationship and reconnect with your partner. It may not be easy, but here's Dr. Phil's advice on where to even begin.
Recognize that you have the power to redefine the relationship. Even if you feel like a victim, you play a role in setting up what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage.
Stop the ego-driven power struggle. Don't be a "right-fighter." Is it worth destroying your marriage so you can be right in every argument?
Make a promise to work on your marriage every single day - not just during the bad times, but also during the good ones.
Make a plan together to renegotiate the relationship. Even patterns that you've had for 20 years can be changed.
Your vows are about commitment, not method. If the methods you've been using aren't working, it's time to try new ones.
Roles in Marriage
Did your husband's mother take such good care of him growing up that now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself? If the division of labor in your relationship isn't working, Dr. Phil has advice.
Communicate. Instead of just complaining, be specific about what it is that you want. "We're trainable," says Dr. Phil, on behalf of all men. "You just have to put the dots close together!"
Negotiate. Every relationship is negotiated, and needs to be continually negotiated. Even if you've done things one way for 20 years, it's not too late to find a new way to share responsibilities. Find a division of labor that both of you can live with. Come up with new definitions for your relationship.
Work on things during times of peace. In the heat of an argument is no time to come up with solutions that will work for both of you. Don't expect things to change without working on changing them.
Love every idea for 15 minutes when you hear it. Sometimes we don't even consider ideas, or even elements of them that may work, when they may be a good starting point for compromise.
Try to see things through your partner's eyes. You need not necessarily switch roles completely, but you do need to understand what your spouse is saying.
Remember that your wife is your partner, not your mother. Don't expect her to clean up after you and cut your meat for you. Perhaps your mother did that when you were a child, but you're now in a partnership.
Stop being a "right-fighter." It doesn't matter if you're right if it's just not working. Would you rather be right, or be happily married?
Ask yourself: How much fun are you to live with? You don't want a spouse who resents you. Also, how happy are you making your partner? What can you do to make your spouse happier?
Do you think your spouse will put up with the set-up you've got long term? Don't mess with the nest. "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," says Dr. Phil.
You teach people how to treat you. Stop tolerating it if you want things to change. Demand that he get more involved in the marriage.
Saving a Marriage
Couples who are trying to work their way back from a near-divorce are faced with the ultimate challenge. Rebuilding trust and infusing the partnership with love takes introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Dr. Phil presents the following points for couples to consider when trying to heal a damaged relationship.
Homework: Write down what you need from your partner.
Dr. Phil asks couples to write down the 10 things that they would like to see more of (or less of) from their partner. This exercise can illuminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
What are you doing to contaminate your relationship?
Each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
Have you built an emotional wall?
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to reconnect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall - nobody can do it for you.
Make an effort to communicate from the heart.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
Ask yourselves if you've ever really met each other.
It is possible to be married for years and still not truly know each other. Many people hide behind social masks - a protective measure that keeps friends and family from really understanding them. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.
Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE
Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.
MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER
There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities.
If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it!
MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:
Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating.
Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.
MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated - especially if they are potentially destructive.
MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale."
Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.
MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER
Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship.
Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.
MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT
Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value.
MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.
Fixing a Broken Marriage
It is not too late: You can rescue your relationship and reconnect with your partner. It may not be easy, but here's Dr. Phil's advice on where to even begin.
Recognize that you have the power to redefine the relationship. Even if you feel like a victim, you play a role in setting up what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage.
Stop the ego-driven power struggle. Don't be a "right-fighter." Is it worth destroying your marriage so you can be right in every argument?
Make a promise to work on your marriage every single day - not just during the bad times, but also during the good ones.
Make a plan together to renegotiate the relationship. Even patterns that you've had for 20 years can be changed.
Your vows are about commitment, not method. If the methods you've been using aren't working, it's time to try new ones.
Roles in Marriage
Did your husband's mother take such good care of him growing up that now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself? If the division of labor in your relationship isn't working, Dr. Phil has advice.
Communicate. Instead of just complaining, be specific about what it is that you want. "We're trainable," says Dr. Phil, on behalf of all men. "You just have to put the dots close together!"
Negotiate. Every relationship is negotiated, and needs to be continually negotiated. Even if you've done things one way for 20 years, it's not too late to find a new way to share responsibilities. Find a division of labor that both of you can live with. Come up with new definitions for your relationship.
Work on things during times of peace. In the heat of an argument is no time to come up with solutions that will work for both of you. Don't expect things to change without working on changing them.
Love every idea for 15 minutes when you hear it. Sometimes we don't even consider ideas, or even elements of them that may work, when they may be a good starting point for compromise.
Try to see things through your partner's eyes. You need not necessarily switch roles completely, but you do need to understand what your spouse is saying.
Remember that your wife is your partner, not your mother. Don't expect her to clean up after you and cut your meat for you. Perhaps your mother did that when you were a child, but you're now in a partnership.
Stop being a "right-fighter." It doesn't matter if you're right if it's just not working. Would you rather be right, or be happily married?
Ask yourself: How much fun are you to live with? You don't want a spouse who resents you. Also, how happy are you making your partner? What can you do to make your spouse happier?
Do you think your spouse will put up with the set-up you've got long term? Don't mess with the nest. "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," says Dr. Phil.
You teach people how to treat you. Stop tolerating it if you want things to change. Demand that he get more involved in the marriage.
Saving a Marriage
Couples who are trying to work their way back from a near-divorce are faced with the ultimate challenge. Rebuilding trust and infusing the partnership with love takes introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Dr. Phil presents the following points for couples to consider when trying to heal a damaged relationship.
Homework: Write down what you need from your partner.
Dr. Phil asks couples to write down the 10 things that they would like to see more of (or less of) from their partner. This exercise can illuminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
What are you doing to contaminate your relationship?
Each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
Have you built an emotional wall?
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to reconnect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall - nobody can do it for you.
Make an effort to communicate from the heart.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
Ask yourselves if you've ever really met each other.
It is possible to be married for years and still not truly know each other. Many people hide behind social masks - a protective measure that keeps friends and family from really understanding them. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.