(no subject)
[13 Jul 2003|11:11pm]
It's almost a month until I move to school and I think that despite the fact that I am so excited about it, and despite the fact that going to this school is everything I've ever worked for in school-related work, I'm sad about leaving. Not because I think my friendships/realationships/family will end or change for the worse, but because I know that my life the way I know it isn't going to ever be the same. And I can feel everyone around me, mainly my family, knowing that too. And it's stressful. Because I want to spend time together with my friends and boyfriend, and I also want to be with my family, but they are different kinds of "togetherness." Friends are fun and crazy, but serious and deep. He is fun and crazy and serious and deep too; but also cherishing and deeply, deeply loving in the most honest way possible. And my family is laughter and love and just sitting around BEING. All three possess the qualities of the others, yet they are each unique, each completely deserving of unique attentions.
[12 Aug 2003|10:59pm]
I am not ready to leave for college. I don't know if I have the strength to do it yet. I need more time. Time with my family and with my friends. Mostly with him. I feel like I'm being cheated out of his time. I just want to cry about it for so many reasons and the one person whose shoulder I want to cry on I couldn't see or hardly even talk to today because my little sister was crying on MY shoulder for the very same reason.
Somebody pray for me. Please.
I'm excited about college. I know that I really am ready for the change in the general sense. And I'm so ready to meet new people and be on my own. But when my 7 year old sister is bawling and says "You can't leave yet, I've only known you for 7 years" and my 15 year old brother keeps saying how sad it is that I'm leaving, I get to thinking about it more deeply than that.
I know I'm ranting on and on and tomorrow I'll feel better and the next day it will be hard again. Then I'll actually go to school and it might be hard at first, but I'll love it and everything will be okay. God is in control. ::REPEAT::REPEAT::REPEAT::REPEAT::
I have so much to be thankful for. And I really am so happy. This whole college thing is just throwing me off.
[16 Aug 2003|12:40am]
I know that my whole life is about to change. I'm going to college in a week. I'm moving out of my house and into a 10 x 12 non-airconditioned room. I'm taking everything I have learned in 18 years and using it to have the time of my life. Everyone that I have been friends with in my whole, whether it be since we were 5 or since last month, you have affected me. You have helped make me the person that I am. I am so thankful for each of you. God has blessed me so much with my friendships and relationships. Words cannot describe how blessed I feel. I know that we're all scared or feel like we're not ready or even that we don't want to go off to school. But I keep telling myself, God is in control. He has this amazing incredible plan for every single one of you (even if you don't believe that at all, He does)! He has "plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE!" I'm pretty scared/sad about leaving for college. But on the other hand, I am so excited about what God has in store for me. I am so excited about the next steps of this journey. And I am highly comforted by the fact that my best girlfriend will be sleeping soundly in the same little room with me every night for the next 9 months. So when I'm homesick and want to cry, I don't even have to bother calling her, all I have to do is yell. :) God's gonna do some great things, and I can't wait to see what they are.
[19 Aug 2003|05:18pm]
I think I am in denial about packing for college.
I mean, I'm not REALLY going to be living in a different city am I?
No, I didn't think so...
[22 Aug 2003|09:09am]
Today I am moving to college. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. There's excitement of course. Sadness. Anticipation. Accomplishment. A bit of wariness. Mostly I can't wait to just be there and get settled. Because how can it not be fabulous? It is Blue Heaven, after all.
[27 Aug 2003|01:09am]
I love college. I really do. Today I was walking around campus and I just smiled so HUGELY right in the middle of hundreds of people that I don't know, because I LOVE this place. Everything I've worked for in school and out of it is what I'm experiencing right now and I am SO thankful. (!!!) There are so many things I just ADORE and I am so excited about.
[29 Aug 2003|09:12am]
I have felt like I don't want to be here at times. But I don't want to go back home. I feel so in between and like I don't exactly belong any particular place. But yesterday was the beginning of changing that. And I'm so thankful. This is so exciting, but so unknown and therefore kinda scary... But what an adventure! I love life's adventures!
And so it went for most of the fall. And now, here I am, finished with my freshman year of college. I never used to believe it when people told me it would fly by, but it truly has. I haven't forgotten what it felt like before I came here. I haven't forgotten the nights I cried. I certainly haven't forgotten the lonliness. But then, I remember the late night laughter, the Oprah dates, the random trips to the mall for no reason other than to blow money and not do homework. I remember the times I skipped class to eat lunch with friends (and today when I found out I dropped 1/3 of a letter grade for missing class- whooooops!), the times when talking to "the lovies" was so much more important than work. I remember every phone conversation I had with him that I cried and he made me laugh instead. I remember the newness of everything, the uncertainty, meeting someone and thinking "I wonder if you'll become my best friend." I remember intermural basketball and softball and all the fun we had. I remember all the times I worked out in the student rec center. Wait.... no I don't. That only happened twice. :) I remember talking to people older than me who have been there, who felt these same feelings of uneasiness, and feeling comforted by the hope they offered. I remember "Let's get out of this place!!!" and driving somewhere else to church or Hannah's house or out to eat. I remember being attacked in the Wal-Mart parking lot and living to exaggerate and indulge the story! I remember the football games in the fall and the way the leaves fell and the wind blew. I remember the basketball games and getting up at 6 something on a Saturday to get tickets. I remember the snow storms and the ice, the pokey sticks parties. I remember being in class with my best friend and writing notes that made her die laughing. I remember trying to do the same thing in the too-quiet library. I remember deciding to take Italian and then realizing that was a silly idea. I remember that one all-nighter writing a paper. It wasn't worth it. I remember when he surprised me! I remember all the times he came and brought me flowers, and the lessons we learned. I remember so many things beyond all of this but mostly, I remember God taking this little girl out of her comfort and into a world where she doesn't seem to belong. I remember God breaking her, until finally, just at the end, all she saw was Him, and the work that He has done in her in the past nine months of college. I remember that I used to be less apt to listen, and more likely to talk. I remember that I used to have less humility and less desire to serve. I remember that God took the talents and passions He has given me, and let me use them for His glory. I remember making friends with the people I had always wanted to be friends with. I remember learning that God is the only One that's always there, no matter where you are and what you've done. He took me as a child and pushed me towards new life, greater life- real life. I remember feeling like I'm standing on the edge of everything I've ever been before. And I love it.
So if you're about to go to college and it's weird and kind of scary and you don't really know or understand how you feel. Take heart, I've been there, and so have so many other people. You're not the only one feeling this way. I promise. The great adventure of college is amazing. Everything you've ever dreamed of is right out in front of you. Go get it.