'Tis time for a soul-searching entry...
Another copy since it's just too late...
I want to know (much like in Kelsey's Xanga) what happened to the innocent girl I used to know back in high school. I realize that this isn't high school anymore, and college is where you are supposed to "find yourself," but I would really like to know what happened to her.
Back in high school, I used to live by the whole "drinking is bad, smoking is bad, premarital sex is bad" thing, but ever since I came here and met all of the amazing people I know (love you all!), I have come to the realization that I'm NOT the same person that I was. In fact, I'm so much different. By the middle of fall term, I had taken my first puff on a hookah (no, NOT a bong with marijuana, more like flavored tobacco for those who don't know), had my first drink of wine, and had been told things that I never would have expected to hear.
Just tonight, I heard something that I never thought I would hear come out of a sober, serious guy's mouth. "I want you so bad right now." I have never been told by anyone that I was attractive (outside of my family), let alone that they wanted to fuck me. I most certainly never heard that from Noah. I was completely sober (hello, it's a Monday night!) and did some things I never would have done in high school. Maybe it's because I am finally getting comfortable with my body ever since I've been losing weight. Maybe it's because I'm in a new setting with people who finally accept me for who I am. I don't know.
Whatever happened to the "good girl" that I was in high school? Did she disappear when the incident during her junior year happened when she got her first taste of being desirable? No, she definitely wanted to keep her reputation because she didn't want the name "slut" to become associated with her name. Especially when that name connection could be heard by her mother in five minutes. What girl is proud of being called "So-and-so the Slut?" Not me, certainly not. Or maybe that girl wanted to be loved in the only way she had only seen in her musicals that starred Judy Garland and Gene Kelly.
That was really all I ever wanted. I wanted to be loved the way that was so pure back in the 40's and 50's. That pure love based on personality and true beauty, not just because she was "hot."
So, maybe the desperateness of wanting that made the "good girl" disappear faster than ever. But now that I have been here and have experienced what I have, I know that it is possible for me to be wanted in a way I never thought possible. I just hope that I don't take anything farther than I want to go.
Now don't get me wrong, I love who I am now, and I do want to be touched, looked at, and wanted in that sexual way, and I get a certain pleasure from it, but it just makes me wonder what happened to the girl I used to know in high school. I love the fact that I'm more outgoing ever since I came here and am having the time of my life. But what happened?
I don't care. Honestly, I don't. I like who I am now, and am going to stay this way. I will keep doing what I have been doing, and will continue to pursue the goals I came here to achieve. New Tara = Good and Happy Tara.
I want to know (much like in Kelsey's Xanga) what happened to the innocent girl I used to know back in high school. I realize that this isn't high school anymore, and college is where you are supposed to "find yourself," but I would really like to know what happened to her.
Back in high school, I used to live by the whole "drinking is bad, smoking is bad, premarital sex is bad" thing, but ever since I came here and met all of the amazing people I know (love you all!), I have come to the realization that I'm NOT the same person that I was. In fact, I'm so much different. By the middle of fall term, I had taken my first puff on a hookah (no, NOT a bong with marijuana, more like flavored tobacco for those who don't know), had my first drink of wine, and had been told things that I never would have expected to hear.
Just tonight, I heard something that I never thought I would hear come out of a sober, serious guy's mouth. "I want you so bad right now." I have never been told by anyone that I was attractive (outside of my family), let alone that they wanted to fuck me. I most certainly never heard that from Noah. I was completely sober (hello, it's a Monday night!) and did some things I never would have done in high school. Maybe it's because I am finally getting comfortable with my body ever since I've been losing weight. Maybe it's because I'm in a new setting with people who finally accept me for who I am. I don't know.
Whatever happened to the "good girl" that I was in high school? Did she disappear when the incident during her junior year happened when she got her first taste of being desirable? No, she definitely wanted to keep her reputation because she didn't want the name "slut" to become associated with her name. Especially when that name connection could be heard by her mother in five minutes. What girl is proud of being called "So-and-so the Slut?" Not me, certainly not. Or maybe that girl wanted to be loved in the only way she had only seen in her musicals that starred Judy Garland and Gene Kelly.
That was really all I ever wanted. I wanted to be loved the way that was so pure back in the 40's and 50's. That pure love based on personality and true beauty, not just because she was "hot."
So, maybe the desperateness of wanting that made the "good girl" disappear faster than ever. But now that I have been here and have experienced what I have, I know that it is possible for me to be wanted in a way I never thought possible. I just hope that I don't take anything farther than I want to go.
Now don't get me wrong, I love who I am now, and I do want to be touched, looked at, and wanted in that sexual way, and I get a certain pleasure from it, but it just makes me wonder what happened to the girl I used to know in high school. I love the fact that I'm more outgoing ever since I came here and am having the time of my life. But what happened?
I don't care. Honestly, I don't. I like who I am now, and am going to stay this way. I will keep doing what I have been doing, and will continue to pursue the goals I came here to achieve. New Tara = Good and Happy Tara.