totally selfish, but i don't care.
good day/bad day...guess what today was????
seems i only write when ive had a bad day....hmmm... anyway... i had a horrible text conversation with ian tonight. He doesn't get it at all. I write how angry i am at him, or how ive had a rough day or whatever and his only response is ever "i love you" or "Im sorry"... i figure it will be easier just to post the whole stupid conversation here....rather then describe it... but he doesn't understand how he has hurt me by leaving. i don't want to hear a bunch of crap about him following his dreams and would i deny that of him and blah blah blah....if the positions were reversed, i wouldn't go. or maybe i wouldn't go for SO LONG...or maybe i would go, who knows... point is, WHO IS MAKING ALL THE SACRIFICE HERE????? me. and im tired of feeling sad, and im tired of crying and im tired of putting on a "brave face" and im tired of not being a little SELFISH.... b/c ultimately, im hurting and its his fault. HIS FAULT. i didn't do something to him to make him hurt me, i didn't ask him to go! And then the mind starts going and i realize that he knew BEFORE WE WENT ON VACATION exactly when he was going, but didn't feel it was important enough to tell me when he found out... i had to fucking ASK when he was going and his response was "oh, didn't i tell you that already?" uh...no. you didn't. which begs the question- was i not important enough to share the information with? I wasn't important enough for you to stay here, so i guess it didn't really matter when you told me... it didn't really matter. thats the bottom line. did you not want to ruin your vacation b/c you knew i would be upset??? How about YOU KNEW FOR AT LEAST 3+ WEEKS BEFORE YOU TOLD ME, and for me, there was like 10 days or something... it made me angry then, but i put it aside b/c i was more focused on the fact that he was leaving... but right now...everything is starting to get stirred up inside of me because im so angry already.
He doesn't understand how much this hurts me. ive said it before- hes got all these great and new experiences....im living my same old life, just doing it without him so all the things we did together...i do them alone now... .... and all this wouldn't be so bad except for the fact tht HE STILL DOESNT HAVE INTERNET, which is probably the FIRST thing i would have done when i arrived... and it just all makes me feel like it just doesn't matter to him- he's off having a good ole time.... whatev...
i said i was going to post the conversation....here it is:
I started out apologizing for my bad mood......
him: It's ok. Better that you have me to talk to now right?
me: i think its worse when i talk to you. it fools me into a false sense of closeness. and THAT? worse than just missing you on a daily basis. Esp when that false sense comes crashing down when the thought occurs to me to call you...and i can't.
him: aww, princess...I'm sorry love!
me: ya know, you keep apologizing. don't. b/c when you apologize i just think- why are you sorry? you CHOSE THIS. and that line of thought makes me mad at you.
him: ok.
me: I guess I'm still really angry at you for leaving.
him: yeah...well, i love you :)
me: Im still angry at you whether you love me or not.
him: I know, I just felt I should say it.
me: you should say it whenever you feel you should. but it doesn't change that i want to yell and scream at you! Im going to be angry about this for a long time. I hate you for making me feel this way
him: I understand.
me: i don't really have anything to say to that.
him: well niether do I. It is what it is I suppose.
me: and what it is, sucks.
him: yeah...
me:since im just feeling sad and hateful, im going to bed. have a great day. love you
him: sleep well. I love you too!
i feel like he totally blew off my feelings.im FURIOUS and he just tries to placate me with i love yous.... i hate feeling like im that kid you pat on the head and say, oh its ok...::pat pat pat::
I'm angry and i need a more impassioned response then "it is what it is"
and don't give me all that, well, what is he supposed to do hes 375,294,394,892 miles away....im sure he could think of better responses then ok, i understand....it is what it is.... It makes me sometimes feel that im not going to survive a) his leaving or b) the age gap b/c in my heart i have a feeling that "b" is the real issue here.
UGH enough. im really going to bed now.
seems i only write when ive had a bad day....hmmm... anyway... i had a horrible text conversation with ian tonight. He doesn't get it at all. I write how angry i am at him, or how ive had a rough day or whatever and his only response is ever "i love you" or "Im sorry"... i figure it will be easier just to post the whole stupid conversation here....rather then describe it... but he doesn't understand how he has hurt me by leaving. i don't want to hear a bunch of crap about him following his dreams and would i deny that of him and blah blah blah....if the positions were reversed, i wouldn't go. or maybe i wouldn't go for SO LONG...or maybe i would go, who knows... point is, WHO IS MAKING ALL THE SACRIFICE HERE????? me. and im tired of feeling sad, and im tired of crying and im tired of putting on a "brave face" and im tired of not being a little SELFISH.... b/c ultimately, im hurting and its his fault. HIS FAULT. i didn't do something to him to make him hurt me, i didn't ask him to go! And then the mind starts going and i realize that he knew BEFORE WE WENT ON VACATION exactly when he was going, but didn't feel it was important enough to tell me when he found out... i had to fucking ASK when he was going and his response was "oh, didn't i tell you that already?" uh...no. you didn't. which begs the question- was i not important enough to share the information with? I wasn't important enough for you to stay here, so i guess it didn't really matter when you told me... it didn't really matter. thats the bottom line. did you not want to ruin your vacation b/c you knew i would be upset??? How about YOU KNEW FOR AT LEAST 3+ WEEKS BEFORE YOU TOLD ME, and for me, there was like 10 days or something... it made me angry then, but i put it aside b/c i was more focused on the fact that he was leaving... but right now...everything is starting to get stirred up inside of me because im so angry already.
He doesn't understand how much this hurts me. ive said it before- hes got all these great and new experiences....im living my same old life, just doing it without him so all the things we did together...i do them alone now... .... and all this wouldn't be so bad except for the fact tht HE STILL DOESNT HAVE INTERNET, which is probably the FIRST thing i would have done when i arrived... and it just all makes me feel like it just doesn't matter to him- he's off having a good ole time.... whatev...
i said i was going to post the conversation....here it is:
I started out apologizing for my bad mood......
him: It's ok. Better that you have me to talk to now right?
me: i think its worse when i talk to you. it fools me into a false sense of closeness. and THAT? worse than just missing you on a daily basis. Esp when that false sense comes crashing down when the thought occurs to me to call you...and i can't.
him: aww, princess...I'm sorry love!
me: ya know, you keep apologizing. don't. b/c when you apologize i just think- why are you sorry? you CHOSE THIS. and that line of thought makes me mad at you.
him: ok.
me: I guess I'm still really angry at you for leaving.
him: yeah...well, i love you :)
me: Im still angry at you whether you love me or not.
him: I know, I just felt I should say it.
me: you should say it whenever you feel you should. but it doesn't change that i want to yell and scream at you! Im going to be angry about this for a long time. I hate you for making me feel this way
him: I understand.
me: i don't really have anything to say to that.
him: well niether do I. It is what it is I suppose.
me: and what it is, sucks.
him: yeah...
me:since im just feeling sad and hateful, im going to bed. have a great day. love you
him: sleep well. I love you too!
i feel like he totally blew off my feelings.im FURIOUS and he just tries to placate me with i love yous.... i hate feeling like im that kid you pat on the head and say, oh its ok...::pat pat pat::
I'm angry and i need a more impassioned response then "it is what it is"
and don't give me all that, well, what is he supposed to do hes 375,294,394,892 miles away....im sure he could think of better responses then ok, i understand....it is what it is.... It makes me sometimes feel that im not going to survive a) his leaving or b) the age gap b/c in my heart i have a feeling that "b" is the real issue here.
UGH enough. im really going to bed now.