My little heart is broken
For the last day or so I have had this really bad feeling. It was like...emotional and physical. This feeling like something really bad and disturbing had happened. I could feel it in my abdomen. And sometimes it was in my throat and mouth when I was sitting in class. I remember getting it sometimes when I was little. One time in particular at my Aunt’s house on Silva in the kitchen eating a plum. There was no reason for it. I was doing everything I could do to make it go away. I tried thinking about things that make me happy. The first thought was my cats, but that just made the feeling much worse. Then I thought of food and Interpol, and those also made it worse.
The thought of my mom coming made the feeling worse too. She was coming to help me move. For days I had been looking forward to her getting there, because moving can be fun and I just thought we would have a good time. But the day before and the day of her coming, the thought of it just made me worse. It was like the aforementioned things, something that normally makes me happy. But I thought I just had this feeling because I had been a hermit for two weeks, and I figured that when she got there I would feel fine. But she got there and I was so uncomfortable. She is the person that I know best in the world and she knows me better than anyone. So it was really weird to feel this awkward and uncomfortable around her. She was sitting on the bed and I was just standing there in the middle of the room with my hands on my head and my fingers laced. We were talking a little bit but there were awkward silences, and that never happens between us. There may be silences, but they’re never awkward like that. I felt really fat and upset, and that horrid feeling was still rampant. I even entertained the possibility that something bad was going to happen, I thought I’d get raped or something.
Then Galen called. I answered and we talked for a sec, he asked for mom. She said “He did? When?” and I said “Who, Mr. Kitty?”(that's not his official name, but that's what we call him). She nodded, and I said “Is he dead?” and she said yes.
I felt exactly the same way I felt when I was in my car accident. I guess I could say “it felt like I was in a dream”…but I feel like I’m in a dream a lot of the time, but this was different. It’s rather eerie. Some people might say it’s like your soul leaving you body, but I don’t think I believe in souls. So I’ll just say, when something is so traumatizing, your brain cannot handle it, it can’t handle the emotions or whatever, so it just shuts down. It was blank. I remember staring off into space for a sec, and having to shake myself back into reality several times. You just go completely blank, you can't think about anything.
The only bad things that happen to me are dreams. And then I wake up and I’m relieved that they aren’t real. A couple days ago I dreamed I went swimming with my bag, but I forgot that my laptop was in the bag and it was ruined. In the dream I felt the way that I would probably feel about it in real life. But then I woke up and looked over at my laptop, safe and sound, and it was such a relief. And that’s what always happens.
A lot of times I imagine really bad things happening. Like my aunt, brother and mom (or just one, or a combo of two) dying in a car accident when they're on their way to Santa Cruz. That would be the worst thing ever. I would be all excited, waiting for them to get there…anyway, I imagine things like that and I really get into it. I even feel the emotion that I think I would really be feeling in that situation. But then I snap myself out of it and I get to think, Gee, I’m fucking glad that’s not real. But this time I don’t get to snap out of it. This is horrible.
Was that feeling I had a premonition?(I'm skeptical about things like that, but who knows?)It doesn't really matter. But now that feeling is justified. And things suck. Mr. Kittie died. He got hit by a car. Just two days before it happened I randomly thought “if I had to pick one of the three cats to die, who would I pick?” I didn’t really come to a conclusion. But, now that it has happened, I think it is best that it was him and not one of the others. We had him for the shortest amount of time out of them. Poe for 11 years, my cat for 5, and him for only 2 ½. And he wasn’t a kitten when we got him like the other two. He was already full grown. He had the best proportions out of any cat ever. He was just perfect to look at. Suspira is beautiful, but her head and paws are too small for her body and her fat hangs way down. He had nice big paws and no fat and he was so light. Only 9 pounds. Poe is 20 some pounds. I can't even describe it, he was the most beautiful thing ever. And to be brutally killed by a huge ugly nasty car...I can't even comprehend this. Sometimes when bad things happen you can't stop thinking about it even if you try. This is the opposite. My mind doesn't want to think about it. I have to force myself to think about it. When I am doing something or when I'm around people I actually forget all about it. It's just too painful. I loved that little guy.
The thought of my mom coming made the feeling worse too. She was coming to help me move. For days I had been looking forward to her getting there, because moving can be fun and I just thought we would have a good time. But the day before and the day of her coming, the thought of it just made me worse. It was like the aforementioned things, something that normally makes me happy. But I thought I just had this feeling because I had been a hermit for two weeks, and I figured that when she got there I would feel fine. But she got there and I was so uncomfortable. She is the person that I know best in the world and she knows me better than anyone. So it was really weird to feel this awkward and uncomfortable around her. She was sitting on the bed and I was just standing there in the middle of the room with my hands on my head and my fingers laced. We were talking a little bit but there were awkward silences, and that never happens between us. There may be silences, but they’re never awkward like that. I felt really fat and upset, and that horrid feeling was still rampant. I even entertained the possibility that something bad was going to happen, I thought I’d get raped or something.
Then Galen called. I answered and we talked for a sec, he asked for mom. She said “He did? When?” and I said “Who, Mr. Kitty?”(that's not his official name, but that's what we call him). She nodded, and I said “Is he dead?” and she said yes.
I felt exactly the same way I felt when I was in my car accident. I guess I could say “it felt like I was in a dream”…but I feel like I’m in a dream a lot of the time, but this was different. It’s rather eerie. Some people might say it’s like your soul leaving you body, but I don’t think I believe in souls. So I’ll just say, when something is so traumatizing, your brain cannot handle it, it can’t handle the emotions or whatever, so it just shuts down. It was blank. I remember staring off into space for a sec, and having to shake myself back into reality several times. You just go completely blank, you can't think about anything.
The only bad things that happen to me are dreams. And then I wake up and I’m relieved that they aren’t real. A couple days ago I dreamed I went swimming with my bag, but I forgot that my laptop was in the bag and it was ruined. In the dream I felt the way that I would probably feel about it in real life. But then I woke up and looked over at my laptop, safe and sound, and it was such a relief. And that’s what always happens.
A lot of times I imagine really bad things happening. Like my aunt, brother and mom (or just one, or a combo of two) dying in a car accident when they're on their way to Santa Cruz. That would be the worst thing ever. I would be all excited, waiting for them to get there…anyway, I imagine things like that and I really get into it. I even feel the emotion that I think I would really be feeling in that situation. But then I snap myself out of it and I get to think, Gee, I’m fucking glad that’s not real. But this time I don’t get to snap out of it. This is horrible.
Was that feeling I had a premonition?(I'm skeptical about things like that, but who knows?)It doesn't really matter. But now that feeling is justified. And things suck. Mr. Kittie died. He got hit by a car. Just two days before it happened I randomly thought “if I had to pick one of the three cats to die, who would I pick?” I didn’t really come to a conclusion. But, now that it has happened, I think it is best that it was him and not one of the others. We had him for the shortest amount of time out of them. Poe for 11 years, my cat for 5, and him for only 2 ½. And he wasn’t a kitten when we got him like the other two. He was already full grown. He had the best proportions out of any cat ever. He was just perfect to look at. Suspira is beautiful, but her head and paws are too small for her body and her fat hangs way down. He had nice big paws and no fat and he was so light. Only 9 pounds. Poe is 20 some pounds. I can't even describe it, he was the most beautiful thing ever. And to be brutally killed by a huge ugly nasty car...I can't even comprehend this. Sometimes when bad things happen you can't stop thinking about it even if you try. This is the opposite. My mind doesn't want to think about it. I have to force myself to think about it. When I am doing something or when I'm around people I actually forget all about it. It's just too painful. I loved that little guy.