(no subject)
I've been doing the whole "feeling too many things at once" thing today pretty much since the moment I was able to be alone.
I feel like I'm wasting my life, making every possible wrong decision, useless, disgusting, good at literally nothing that is worth doing, boring, and just generally terrible.
I cannot wait to start bleeding. Fuck. I seriously cannot handle this intense depression right now.
I spent a pretty good chunk of time with Brent today, and I went out for japanese as my late birthday lunch with the boss and coworkers that I actually like, and I got to hang out with Nicole and get quality babytimes in, and saw Brittany for awhile for some good laughs. I should not be feeling like complete crap that does not deserve life, but that's the exact emotion that rushes into me whenever I have ten minutes to myself.
Fucking hormones. Why can't I have my ovaries ripped out? I'm not using them, I swear to christ. Give them to some poor woman who wants to be a babyfactory but can't for some medical reason or another.
I was thinking earlier that it is incredibly likely that Ethan will be the only child in my family's next generation unless things change in the future. Its also possible that Nicole will have another one, but its honestly just as likely that she sticks with just the one. I can plausibly see both realities. That is a fuckton load of pressure for one kid to bear, at least in my family. But maybe not. I don't know. A lot can happen in a decade.
I hope that a lot DOES happen in the next decade.
I feel like I'm wasting my life, making every possible wrong decision, useless, disgusting, good at literally nothing that is worth doing, boring, and just generally terrible.
I cannot wait to start bleeding. Fuck. I seriously cannot handle this intense depression right now.
I spent a pretty good chunk of time with Brent today, and I went out for japanese as my late birthday lunch with the boss and coworkers that I actually like, and I got to hang out with Nicole and get quality babytimes in, and saw Brittany for awhile for some good laughs. I should not be feeling like complete crap that does not deserve life, but that's the exact emotion that rushes into me whenever I have ten minutes to myself.
Fucking hormones. Why can't I have my ovaries ripped out? I'm not using them, I swear to christ. Give them to some poor woman who wants to be a babyfactory but can't for some medical reason or another.
I was thinking earlier that it is incredibly likely that Ethan will be the only child in my family's next generation unless things change in the future. Its also possible that Nicole will have another one, but its honestly just as likely that she sticks with just the one. I can plausibly see both realities. That is a fuckton load of pressure for one kid to bear, at least in my family. But maybe not. I don't know. A lot can happen in a decade.
I hope that a lot DOES happen in the next decade.