Just sad but what else is new?
So today is April 12th its a tuesday. i love tuesdays. today was amazing until i got home. i dunno it was fabulous. it really was. school was good rick even showed up to multimedia/sh.. like he was late but he did decide to show up.. so that did make me happy.. lol he did some thing like a sidekick thingy.. heh dunno.. lol haa.. alright.. so yea then in u.s. history i actually watched like all of the movie.. its good really good.. lots of drama.. daisy is a fucking freak lol.. but shes emotional like me.. but shes rich and a slut sorta.. i dunno.. i'm neither so i dunno i guess shes not too much like me...eh so yea then in English it was alright i completely forgot about the homework.. i dunno.. you know like i'm so stressed out.. and like i need breaks here and there.. i really do.. i'm going through a hard time emotionally and its killing me.. i prolly won't be in school because of it.. but i'd rather skip school and lie and be fake with how i'm feeling then drink like the rest of my family does.. or smoke.. ew =( ... or be a complete fucking asshole like ryan was being tonight.. i frikken hate that
Ryan- "well i have 50 pages to do"
Me- "Well you know what i haven't been home since frikken 7 am"
Ryan ( cutting me off ) - "yea me me too Moriah.. and i can just pull the plug on the computer"
Me- "Oh well and this is some project of yours... and you think you're going to do 50 pages tonight.. why don't u frikken do something ahead of time for once.. i was gone all day and i have 2 assignments that i gotta get done.. and now i can't because of you"
Ryan- "Well now i'm not going to get off because you're being a bitch"
Me- "You know what i'm being a fucking bitch oh well you're being a jerk.. Atlest i do my fucking work.. at lest i get things done"
Ryan- "Well i haven't had any time i guess ur just gunna have to get up early to do it"
Me- "No i'm not getting up to do any frikken stuff.. i'm exhausted... and i just got home"
^yea thats basically all of the convo... minus him being even more of a jackass.. we'll be fine tommarrow but like sometimes just things like that can piss me off so much.. and like its not because the whole convo was that bad.. but it reminds me of stuff that i think is my fault.. like a ruined relationship.. HINT keith or chinequia.. or my dad... ugh i guess u could even throw in Ryan a little.. but not really... but like i cried for like 3 hours tonight.. then i sat in my garage for like 30 mins.. and i figured out that the problem is that.. i have this thing for wanting wait no... actually needing to fix things.. and when i can't fix something i panic.. and then i feel guilt for no reason.. because none of the circumstances in these relationships are my fault.. but i blame myself.. why? because i have MAJOR issues with letting go.. i want some therapy.. like why can everyone else let go of things in their lives except me? Why can't i just forget my past.. i guess because its part of me.. i might dwell on everything.. but i'm fucking stuck in my past and i can't make it to my future... i'm a depressed person who is very moody too.. i try to fake my feelings also.. i'm bad w/ things like that.. ugh.. also i figured out that communication was the major reason me and keith didn't work out.. like the fact that we couldn't talk about things alright one because i freak out and he should be the one to be like its okay.. and he should be more understanding.. but he isn't and something in his past is the reason.. because everytime something happens he feels a lot of guilt but he hides.. he never tries to fix things.. hes just a coward.. i dunno w/e though.. also like i figured out that being without a friend is terrible you lose yourself.. it sucks.. but losing a loved one like you lose your heart.. with kieth i feel like i not only lost a loved one but i lost a friend.. and i couldn't be sadder.. so thats enough with him.. i vented earlier.. ugh poetry gotta love it.. but yea i also realised i'm a fucking spoiled princess.. like peniel he spoiled me.. like he treated me amazingly.. and like me falling in love with him before... like i saw that but like with keith i always thought he would be like peniel.. like peniel apologized to me soo much that one time.. and he said he would do anything to fix it.. that made me actually make myself not be mad and talk to him again.. i'm so happy i did.. and i'm so happy he decided to apologize to me.. cuz we are really close even if things don't change.. like we don't start talking like we used too.. hes still amazing.. like he will always be that same non-judgemental loveable guy.. and i miss him like crazy... the truth is last year i worried about him a lot.. and i know i'm crazy.. it's been so long.. but like we always get along.. we see eye to eye on everything and that makes everything a lot better for me.. like talking to him and venting and knowing that this guy .. lol peniel can help me through this.. like alright.. in a way.. he saved me that one summer..i was miserable.. depressed ( yea i say i am now.. and sometimes it feels like it.. but then it was bad.. really bad ) my mom was the main reason.. and the new changes in my life.. being in a public school for the 1st time.. that rumor.. ugh i was so sad.. but mostly my mom.. i couldn't deal with any of it.. like peniel helped me with all of that.. cuz he understood and he was an amazing friend.. i know i liked him a lot that summer and i know at the end of the summer i wanted to fix things a lot.. i didn't show it.. i showed me being a bitch about things.. cuz we had a fight.. and like that is the only fight we have ever had in almost 4 years.. and that makes me happy.. very happy.. =) but i dunno i could go on about how i think he helped me from prolly making really bad decisions that summer.. like he really did.. and by apologizing to me he did proove to me that hes a better person.. and keith right now is showing me hes not the person i thought he was.. he is disappointing me a lot.. and it pisses me off.. lol again with the ugh i can't fix this situation...
but yea heres the rest of the day.. during french.. i went for like 5 mins and handed in my essay then i left and went to ms.brania's to work on my slideshow.. & then after school i worked on it again but in the computer lab.. heh Lacey joined me there =) haaa.. good stuff... =) ugh um then @ tennis om gosh lol Rohan
yes Rohan subed for Ron.. omg i was so happy.. haaa =) hes amazing really he is.. i like his eyes a lot i think hes really good looking.. k yea im a frikken sucker for brown eyes <3 haa sorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy haaa if ur darker than well prolly anyone lol around here atlest and u have a decent body and brown eyes i prolly will like u lol its like a curse gur i don't like it that much but hey it happens.. alright then @ tkd well during mr.c's class.. like omgosh haaa dustin and jasmine are soooo cute together.. lol i think them and one of there family's is going to maryland this weekend i dunno when they're leaving but w/e... awwwww =) haa and Lisa was telling me about her bad luck with cars haaa ... and i had coffee while watching that blue thing show or w/e the hell its called on cartoon network.. alright so that one thing looks like a frikken palm tree and a duck collided.. but dustin told me its a plane not a duck.. w/e planes don't have frikken beaks lmao ;) lmao.. haaaa well wtf i dunt know what that thing is.. Clarista showed up tonight.. =) haven't seen her in a while.. alright so its a tuesday so then afterwards i went to my aunt's house.. then blockbuster.. haa michelle and alyssa's dad.. or mr.cowell.. w/e.. was there... haa i was sitting in my aunt's car.. and then when he came out we talked for a while lol.. i love randomn convos.. =) k so yea i prolly won't be in school tommarrow... sorry guys.. xox moriah xox
Ryan- "well i have 50 pages to do"
Me- "Well you know what i haven't been home since frikken 7 am"
Ryan ( cutting me off ) - "yea me me too Moriah.. and i can just pull the plug on the computer"
Me- "Oh well and this is some project of yours... and you think you're going to do 50 pages tonight.. why don't u frikken do something ahead of time for once.. i was gone all day and i have 2 assignments that i gotta get done.. and now i can't because of you"
Ryan- "Well now i'm not going to get off because you're being a bitch"
Me- "You know what i'm being a fucking bitch oh well you're being a jerk.. Atlest i do my fucking work.. at lest i get things done"
Ryan- "Well i haven't had any time i guess ur just gunna have to get up early to do it"
Me- "No i'm not getting up to do any frikken stuff.. i'm exhausted... and i just got home"
^yea thats basically all of the convo... minus him being even more of a jackass.. we'll be fine tommarrow but like sometimes just things like that can piss me off so much.. and like its not because the whole convo was that bad.. but it reminds me of stuff that i think is my fault.. like a ruined relationship.. HINT keith or chinequia.. or my dad... ugh i guess u could even throw in Ryan a little.. but not really... but like i cried for like 3 hours tonight.. then i sat in my garage for like 30 mins.. and i figured out that the problem is that.. i have this thing for wanting wait no... actually needing to fix things.. and when i can't fix something i panic.. and then i feel guilt for no reason.. because none of the circumstances in these relationships are my fault.. but i blame myself.. why? because i have MAJOR issues with letting go.. i want some therapy.. like why can everyone else let go of things in their lives except me? Why can't i just forget my past.. i guess because its part of me.. i might dwell on everything.. but i'm fucking stuck in my past and i can't make it to my future... i'm a depressed person who is very moody too.. i try to fake my feelings also.. i'm bad w/ things like that.. ugh.. also i figured out that communication was the major reason me and keith didn't work out.. like the fact that we couldn't talk about things alright one because i freak out and he should be the one to be like its okay.. and he should be more understanding.. but he isn't and something in his past is the reason.. because everytime something happens he feels a lot of guilt but he hides.. he never tries to fix things.. hes just a coward.. i dunno w/e though.. also like i figured out that being without a friend is terrible you lose yourself.. it sucks.. but losing a loved one like you lose your heart.. with kieth i feel like i not only lost a loved one but i lost a friend.. and i couldn't be sadder.. so thats enough with him.. i vented earlier.. ugh poetry gotta love it.. but yea i also realised i'm a fucking spoiled princess.. like peniel he spoiled me.. like he treated me amazingly.. and like me falling in love with him before... like i saw that but like with keith i always thought he would be like peniel.. like peniel apologized to me soo much that one time.. and he said he would do anything to fix it.. that made me actually make myself not be mad and talk to him again.. i'm so happy i did.. and i'm so happy he decided to apologize to me.. cuz we are really close even if things don't change.. like we don't start talking like we used too.. hes still amazing.. like he will always be that same non-judgemental loveable guy.. and i miss him like crazy... the truth is last year i worried about him a lot.. and i know i'm crazy.. it's been so long.. but like we always get along.. we see eye to eye on everything and that makes everything a lot better for me.. like talking to him and venting and knowing that this guy .. lol peniel can help me through this.. like alright.. in a way.. he saved me that one summer..i was miserable.. depressed ( yea i say i am now.. and sometimes it feels like it.. but then it was bad.. really bad ) my mom was the main reason.. and the new changes in my life.. being in a public school for the 1st time.. that rumor.. ugh i was so sad.. but mostly my mom.. i couldn't deal with any of it.. like peniel helped me with all of that.. cuz he understood and he was an amazing friend.. i know i liked him a lot that summer and i know at the end of the summer i wanted to fix things a lot.. i didn't show it.. i showed me being a bitch about things.. cuz we had a fight.. and like that is the only fight we have ever had in almost 4 years.. and that makes me happy.. very happy.. =) but i dunno i could go on about how i think he helped me from prolly making really bad decisions that summer.. like he really did.. and by apologizing to me he did proove to me that hes a better person.. and keith right now is showing me hes not the person i thought he was.. he is disappointing me a lot.. and it pisses me off.. lol again with the ugh i can't fix this situation...
but yea heres the rest of the day.. during french.. i went for like 5 mins and handed in my essay then i left and went to ms.brania's to work on my slideshow.. & then after school i worked on it again but in the computer lab.. heh Lacey joined me there =) haaa.. good stuff... =) ugh um then @ tennis om gosh lol Rohan
yes Rohan subed for Ron.. omg i was so happy.. haaa =) hes amazing really he is.. i like his eyes a lot i think hes really good looking.. k yea im a frikken sucker for brown eyes <3 haa sorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy haaa if ur darker than well prolly anyone lol around here atlest and u have a decent body and brown eyes i prolly will like u lol its like a curse gur i don't like it that much but hey it happens.. alright then @ tkd well during mr.c's class.. like omgosh haaa dustin and jasmine are soooo cute together.. lol i think them and one of there family's is going to maryland this weekend i dunno when they're leaving but w/e... awwwww =) haa and Lisa was telling me about her bad luck with cars haaa ... and i had coffee while watching that blue thing show or w/e the hell its called on cartoon network.. alright so that one thing looks like a frikken palm tree and a duck collided.. but dustin told me its a plane not a duck.. w/e planes don't have frikken beaks lmao ;) lmao.. haaaa well wtf i dunt know what that thing is.. Clarista showed up tonight.. =) haven't seen her in a while.. alright so its a tuesday so then afterwards i went to my aunt's house.. then blockbuster.. haa michelle and alyssa's dad.. or mr.cowell.. w/e.. was there... haa i was sitting in my aunt's car.. and then when he came out we talked for a while lol.. i love randomn convos.. =) k so yea i prolly won't be in school tommarrow... sorry guys.. xox moriah xox