homicidal maniacs in capri pants
This is supposedly an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Procter and Gamble regarding their feminine products. And it's behind the cut because now that you know what it's about you can decide for yourself whether to click that link and read it. It's pretty much grossness-free and actually had me laughing pretty loudly at work - especially the words "unless you are some kind of sick S&M freak".
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter
is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
(Belle note: I know quite a few masochists, NONE of whom have particularly happy periods.) ;)
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter
is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
(Belle note: I know quite a few masochists, NONE of whom have particularly happy periods.) ;)