Thinking..Hopeing, Dreaming
So I've decided that among my list of "the worst feelings in the world" my 2 top ones are lonliness and feeling heartbroken but another one that manages to be up there is the feeling of replacement. Serious I feel like I can't do anything about the outcome and it drives me crazy, I see it happening right in front of my eyes and all I want to do is rewind time and go back to the good ole days. Yeah good luck with trying to figure out that one. Another thing that drives me absolutely mad is my attitude towards things, I don't mean to come off rude or cynical but it happens ALOT, its just the way I was programed. I have come to the conclusion that the reason I do that is because I would rather often times come off more as a haneous bitch than for someone to see what I am really feeling inside. Seriously I would rather let someone see me angry than alone, scared, vonerable and hurting. I don't even know if this makes any sense and I honestly don't care, I am just sick of crying and feeling this way. I don't think anyone knows how deep this feeling runs, when I think I have reached rock bottom the surface cracks and crumbles and down I fall again left only to hit what I hope is the bottom, hurting and trying to only survive and pick myself back up. When will my life be normal, or somewhat close? When will I stop crying myself to sleep every night just hoping that tomorrow will bring something amazing, or just something which is an ounce of worth living for. I know I am not alone and I have friends and a family who loves and cares but sometimes that just doesn't seem to be enough. I want answers, and I want for everything not seem so complicated anymore.. that's what I truely want. Tomorrow isn't just another day, I wish I could sleep right through it and hope it just disappears and would never happen. Yet it is and seems to continue to be an unwanted reminder that I am alone. I want to love, I really do. At heart I am a complete hopeless romantic, yet why is it that every guy.. good or bad doesn't matter if there is nothing wrong with them I always manage to find something I don't like and push them away, or worse I hurt them (unintentionally) but that's not an excuse.. it's not fair at all. I don't know anymore, everything seems to be crumbling and becoming not worth living for. The only thing that keeps me alive is my dreams, someday I wish it would all come together for me and finally make sense. I wish someone could love me so intense and amazing that they would never want to sleep or even blink for a second because they were afraid I were to disappear.. that he would want to lay in my arms holding me tight and be looking in my eyes 'til death do us part and eternity.. for together is the way it is meant to be as if it were unstoppable like destiny or fate. I don't know I dream about loving someone like that.. someday. I know that my someone that amazing is out there and meant to be with me, and I know true love is worth waiting for but I only wish that someday were here now.