Death Watch...
My grandmother has been having heart attacks since this morning - they don't seem to stop. She is no longer even on a heart monitor, just oxygen to help her breath easier. Watching the monitor was getting to my mother and I - seeing the spikes and valleys, watching her blood pressure drop to almost nothing and then come back up. The sinking, gut wrenching agony of seeing her close to passing, then the hope of "maybe she can come out of it" on a seemingly endless cycle.
The rest... They are giving her morphine every 20 minutes or so to keep her comfortable. She hasn't talked in several hours. She was calling for her Papa earlier this morning. I think she knew yesterday what we now know, as she did something we never ever expected her to do - forgive my grandfather for treating her badly. For over 40 years she has harbored such bitterness that it colored her entire life after they separated (prior to my birth). She never had one good word to say about him - even after he passed 13 years ago. They were still legally married, as neither believed in divorce, and to insure my grandmother would be taken care of in her aging years. She would always come out with stories of how mean he was to her, how cheap, how abusive.
Yesterday, she said she didn't think he meant to hurt her, and that he wasn't a bad person. I think she is at peace now, with him as well as herself. For that I am very thankful.
The priest came in tonight to pray over her - though she hasn't been actively religious in years, and always more pagan than not, it meant something to her - she responded even without words. She was raised in a convent by the nuns after her mother died - she was 8, and that kind of upbringing can stick with a person - even 82 years later.
She raised me along side my mother, she took me camping, tag-saling, driving, and on many other adventures. She made the best Sunday morning pancakes in the whole world, and a great steak dinner at night. She was a Philadelphia traffic cop in the late 30s / early 40's, a nanny, a caretaker, an administrator for the developmentally disabled. She could act, sing, dance, do comedy and read palms with alarming accuracy.
We will be with her to the end, at least one of us - my shift starts again in 5 hours, but somehow I doubt I'll get much sleep. My world is about to become a slightly darker place.
.
The rest... They are giving her morphine every 20 minutes or so to keep her comfortable. She hasn't talked in several hours. She was calling for her Papa earlier this morning. I think she knew yesterday what we now know, as she did something we never ever expected her to do - forgive my grandfather for treating her badly. For over 40 years she has harbored such bitterness that it colored her entire life after they separated (prior to my birth). She never had one good word to say about him - even after he passed 13 years ago. They were still legally married, as neither believed in divorce, and to insure my grandmother would be taken care of in her aging years. She would always come out with stories of how mean he was to her, how cheap, how abusive.
Yesterday, she said she didn't think he meant to hurt her, and that he wasn't a bad person. I think she is at peace now, with him as well as herself. For that I am very thankful.
The priest came in tonight to pray over her - though she hasn't been actively religious in years, and always more pagan than not, it meant something to her - she responded even without words. She was raised in a convent by the nuns after her mother died - she was 8, and that kind of upbringing can stick with a person - even 82 years later.
She raised me along side my mother, she took me camping, tag-saling, driving, and on many other adventures. She made the best Sunday morning pancakes in the whole world, and a great steak dinner at night. She was a Philadelphia traffic cop in the late 30s / early 40's, a nanny, a caretaker, an administrator for the developmentally disabled. She could act, sing, dance, do comedy and read palms with alarming accuracy.
We will be with her to the end, at least one of us - my shift starts again in 5 hours, but somehow I doubt I'll get much sleep. My world is about to become a slightly darker place.
.