(no subject)
this time yesterday, I did it.
and no, this is nothing significant. I didn't sign my life over to the devil, I didn't buy a car, I didn't go to my first professional audition. but I did that thing that person upon person was telling me to do.
I left my room at nine on the dot for breakfast, alone. it was raining outside, kind of cool, icky weather. and coming from mower, I saw a boy walking toward annenburg, maybe a minute or so behind me. he vaguely looked like jansen, but then, he certainly could have not been. I didn't recognize his sweatshirt, and I couldn't see his face, so I just kept walking.
when I made it into the dining hall and I realized that he was behind me, I sort of tensed up. and as we both walked toward the grill and placed our breakfast orders, I became terrifically nervous. it was actually pretty embarrassing. I've never had that reaction to a boy ... and it seems stupid under such controlled, low-stress circumstanced. but I felt terror and I felt exhilerated. mostly because I knew I had to develop some balls and just sit with him, or I had no right to complain anymore. all of my excuses didn't hold anymore. the dining hall was fairly empty. he sat at a table, alone. he didn't come with an group of guy friends that I didn't know, and he didn't come with any girls that I wouldn't have wanted to know. he didn't have his earphones in, and we'd made eye contact and said hello.
I took my moment by the toaster, just to see where he was sitting ... it was kind of funny, like the moment when you're standing in the wings preparing for your entrance and you've forgotten all your lines and your stomach drops and your hands are shaking but it's your heart pumping and your core off-balance.
I went up to him and smiled and sat opposite him, one chair to the left. told him I was attemping at being a "more sociable human." he laughed. and he's shy and quiet, and I knew that the burden, at least to begin with, was on me.
and what's truly is funny ... is that that is the audience I crave in social situations. I like having the attention, I like telling the stories, I like feeling the pressure to entertain. but in this situation, it felt awesome.
we covered the basics. where he lives, does he like it. what he thinks of the class we share. what classes he's taking, what he wants to study. we began talking about VES and the film program, and he lit up. he told me the one dream job that he would want but doesn't think he could ever achieve is to be a filmmaker. I furrowed my brow and asked why he couldn't, and he dropped his head and told me about his home in wisconsin and how he figured he'd do pre-med because it's more practical. I smiled and shook my head and told him that there's so much joy in resigning yourself to the fact that you can work for the rest of your life in a diner making $3.21 an hour with a harvard degree in your pocket, and he laughed again. we talked about movies ... briefly. I told him about an upcoming event in my film class and told him that if he had any sense of adventure, he should try to sneak in ... which eventually became that *I* would sneak him in. then a girl from my entryway joined us and he told me had an exam and smiled and said goodbye. I saw him once more in the evening ... he was sitting alone again (as I was). I kept trying to discreetly glance in his direction whenever I got up, but whenever I did, I saw that his gaze was vaguely in my direction and I didn't want to get caught, so I cut it out. as I was leaving and he was leaving, we crossed paths and smiled at one another and both said "goodbye."
so. I've taken step one, I suppose. I was proud of myself for the rest of the day. but now it's the next day and I've forgotten step two.
and no, this is nothing significant. I didn't sign my life over to the devil, I didn't buy a car, I didn't go to my first professional audition. but I did that thing that person upon person was telling me to do.
I left my room at nine on the dot for breakfast, alone. it was raining outside, kind of cool, icky weather. and coming from mower, I saw a boy walking toward annenburg, maybe a minute or so behind me. he vaguely looked like jansen, but then, he certainly could have not been. I didn't recognize his sweatshirt, and I couldn't see his face, so I just kept walking.
when I made it into the dining hall and I realized that he was behind me, I sort of tensed up. and as we both walked toward the grill and placed our breakfast orders, I became terrifically nervous. it was actually pretty embarrassing. I've never had that reaction to a boy ... and it seems stupid under such controlled, low-stress circumstanced. but I felt terror and I felt exhilerated. mostly because I knew I had to develop some balls and just sit with him, or I had no right to complain anymore. all of my excuses didn't hold anymore. the dining hall was fairly empty. he sat at a table, alone. he didn't come with an group of guy friends that I didn't know, and he didn't come with any girls that I wouldn't have wanted to know. he didn't have his earphones in, and we'd made eye contact and said hello.
I took my moment by the toaster, just to see where he was sitting ... it was kind of funny, like the moment when you're standing in the wings preparing for your entrance and you've forgotten all your lines and your stomach drops and your hands are shaking but it's your heart pumping and your core off-balance.
I went up to him and smiled and sat opposite him, one chair to the left. told him I was attemping at being a "more sociable human." he laughed. and he's shy and quiet, and I knew that the burden, at least to begin with, was on me.
and what's truly is funny ... is that that is the audience I crave in social situations. I like having the attention, I like telling the stories, I like feeling the pressure to entertain. but in this situation, it felt awesome.
we covered the basics. where he lives, does he like it. what he thinks of the class we share. what classes he's taking, what he wants to study. we began talking about VES and the film program, and he lit up. he told me the one dream job that he would want but doesn't think he could ever achieve is to be a filmmaker. I furrowed my brow and asked why he couldn't, and he dropped his head and told me about his home in wisconsin and how he figured he'd do pre-med because it's more practical. I smiled and shook my head and told him that there's so much joy in resigning yourself to the fact that you can work for the rest of your life in a diner making $3.21 an hour with a harvard degree in your pocket, and he laughed again. we talked about movies ... briefly. I told him about an upcoming event in my film class and told him that if he had any sense of adventure, he should try to sneak in ... which eventually became that *I* would sneak him in. then a girl from my entryway joined us and he told me had an exam and smiled and said goodbye. I saw him once more in the evening ... he was sitting alone again (as I was). I kept trying to discreetly glance in his direction whenever I got up, but whenever I did, I saw that his gaze was vaguely in my direction and I didn't want to get caught, so I cut it out. as I was leaving and he was leaving, we crossed paths and smiled at one another and both said "goodbye."
so. I've taken step one, I suppose. I was proud of myself for the rest of the day. but now it's the next day and I've forgotten step two.