To be maybe too honest... we'll see
Tomorrow morning I am eating breakfast with Kaycie. She will probably be the last person I will see before I head off to Dallas.
And I don't know how I feel about that.
I spent a good seven hours with Carolyn tonight. And that was wonderful. She was supposed to be the last person.
Then Kaycie caught me at 2.30 online. And of course I refused to give to her any of my Carolyn time.
I have not truly forgiven her.
And it's not the actions, per se, but the hurt. The actions, as evidenced by some people's [guys'] response in time will be neglible, though never laughable. But the grief. It will never be either.
She died to me when I had not heard from her in however long a period that was... like a month or so.
Then she resurrected herself like Jesus and forced me to reevaluate the chapter of my life in which she had made, what I thought was, her last appearance. And That was going out on a low note.
And I haven't forgiven her for that.
I had forgiven her actions when she was dead to me.
But when she came back, she caused more long-lasting pain than in the months prior.
that is why i still regard her with mixed emotions.
Because I had forgiven her--I had!!
But then she messed up again! She messed up again by coming back and asking for forgiveness... and friendship. and that is not fair. but that is what happened.
She asked me if I was through with her.
But I wasn't strong enough to say yes.
I still haven't told my mother.
She still asks.
She asked tonight when I told her I was going to breakfast with her favorite person.
Then she and my uncle went on to attack me about forgiving people when neither of them knows what happened.
And again. at this point, it's not even the actions. it really fucking isn't.
and maybe in my heart of hearts even way back when it wasn't.
perhaps in my subconscious all of the tears that left my eyes were only for the pain.
maybe.
i might be giving myself too much credit.
but really.
it is inconceivable to me that ariel or allie are capable of making me hurt as she did. And maybe i am so confused, maybe i was so hurt, because she never had as much trust as they do. we often had mini-spats in which I was always the one offended. it was not completely unexpected is what I am saying. I am saying that she was weak point--a vulnerability--that I ignored. consciously, no, i don't think so. but immediately afterward it was amazing how much I could remember. and all of my doubts that she admitted to. like she did actually start shit with my Jonathan. w-t-f? wtf? |shakes.head|
I wish that I could find a way to bury her, 2003-2005 and leave her tomorrow. She may or may not know, and I am not sure that I care really. I WANT TO LEAVE HER.
ABANDON HER.
NOT CARE ABOUT HER.
I sent her a midnight-ish text on my fucked up phone on her birthday. I knew there was a chance that she might not have received it. But I didn't bother to call. I asked her today if she got it, because she didn't reply. She said no. she was in Mexico and had bad reception. I didn't say anything. I didn't call on Christmas. She's been here since the 15 or so. I never called.
But to... someone's credit, she didn't either.
But she did initiate breakfast.
And stole the awesomeness of tonight from Carolyn. unknowingly, sure.
fucking a.
i am tired of her.
ariel + allie always had the right idea.
but i wasn't ready to accept it.
I was not strong enough to leave.
And now it will be harder since I said, oh, well.
She still wants to fly me out to CA.
And when I hear those words... i start to remember.
And that is when I get all confused again and try to go back in time and make things right in my mind. I can;t tell you how many random texts I sent her last quarter keeping her posted. i guess it was instinct, although I didn;t get a cell phone, let alone texts, until september/late august.
I don't know what to do.
It would be nice to go to california.
but would it be nice to visit her?
I am not a user.
I know I need to figure out what I want. what to do.
I want to leave her.
and i can say that tonight. when my mind is far away from both thens. the bad and the good.
but tomorrow? what will I say tomorrow after I spend time with her, and maybe see her family? I have watched her little siblings grow up. They fucking ask about me. |sigh| leaving her is leaving a lot of people. and there is no way around it. and the other people are sometimes the best part of her.
tell me why my eyes are wet.
tell me why i refuse to be absolutely decisive.
this is much like my break up with marcus.
I knew practically when it started that I wanted out... but I refused the words passage. so most of the relationship was me pretending to agree. and now we are friends with occasional conversations. he actually called me this week.
so... at this point, if the analogy are true, i will spend the rest of our college career saying the same exact thing that i have said tonight. I will ask for a 'break' and never recommence. she'll take a hint and stop calling. then about two years later she'll call out of the blue and we'll magically be on stable terms.
except marcus never ever hurt me.
And that is a lot of wasted time and energy. teh analogy is 4 years of indecision and in six years time, something resembling friendship. Why bother?
why the hell should I bother
?
if the analogy is true.
write to me.
please.
re-read my lj if you don't know/forgot what the story is all about.
*Love is...
?
And I don't know how I feel about that.
I spent a good seven hours with Carolyn tonight. And that was wonderful. She was supposed to be the last person.
Then Kaycie caught me at 2.30 online. And of course I refused to give to her any of my Carolyn time.
I have not truly forgiven her.
And it's not the actions, per se, but the hurt. The actions, as evidenced by some people's [guys'] response in time will be neglible, though never laughable. But the grief. It will never be either.
She died to me when I had not heard from her in however long a period that was... like a month or so.
Then she resurrected herself like Jesus and forced me to reevaluate the chapter of my life in which she had made, what I thought was, her last appearance. And That was going out on a low note.
And I haven't forgiven her for that.
I had forgiven her actions when she was dead to me.
But when she came back, she caused more long-lasting pain than in the months prior.
that is why i still regard her with mixed emotions.
Because I had forgiven her--I had!!
But then she messed up again! She messed up again by coming back and asking for forgiveness... and friendship. and that is not fair. but that is what happened.
She asked me if I was through with her.
But I wasn't strong enough to say yes.
I still haven't told my mother.
She still asks.
She asked tonight when I told her I was going to breakfast with her favorite person.
Then she and my uncle went on to attack me about forgiving people when neither of them knows what happened.
And again. at this point, it's not even the actions. it really fucking isn't.
and maybe in my heart of hearts even way back when it wasn't.
perhaps in my subconscious all of the tears that left my eyes were only for the pain.
maybe.
i might be giving myself too much credit.
but really.
it is inconceivable to me that ariel or allie are capable of making me hurt as she did. And maybe i am so confused, maybe i was so hurt, because she never had as much trust as they do. we often had mini-spats in which I was always the one offended. it was not completely unexpected is what I am saying. I am saying that she was weak point--a vulnerability--that I ignored. consciously, no, i don't think so. but immediately afterward it was amazing how much I could remember. and all of my doubts that she admitted to. like she did actually start shit with my Jonathan. w-t-f? wtf? |shakes.head|
I wish that I could find a way to bury her, 2003-2005 and leave her tomorrow. She may or may not know, and I am not sure that I care really. I WANT TO LEAVE HER.
ABANDON HER.
NOT CARE ABOUT HER.
I sent her a midnight-ish text on my fucked up phone on her birthday. I knew there was a chance that she might not have received it. But I didn't bother to call. I asked her today if she got it, because she didn't reply. She said no. she was in Mexico and had bad reception. I didn't say anything. I didn't call on Christmas. She's been here since the 15 or so. I never called.
But to... someone's credit, she didn't either.
But she did initiate breakfast.
And stole the awesomeness of tonight from Carolyn. unknowingly, sure.
fucking a.
i am tired of her.
ariel + allie always had the right idea.
but i wasn't ready to accept it.
I was not strong enough to leave.
And now it will be harder since I said, oh, well.
She still wants to fly me out to CA.
And when I hear those words... i start to remember.
And that is when I get all confused again and try to go back in time and make things right in my mind. I can;t tell you how many random texts I sent her last quarter keeping her posted. i guess it was instinct, although I didn;t get a cell phone, let alone texts, until september/late august.
I don't know what to do.
It would be nice to go to california.
but would it be nice to visit her?
I am not a user.
I know I need to figure out what I want. what to do.
I want to leave her.
and i can say that tonight. when my mind is far away from both thens. the bad and the good.
but tomorrow? what will I say tomorrow after I spend time with her, and maybe see her family? I have watched her little siblings grow up. They fucking ask about me. |sigh| leaving her is leaving a lot of people. and there is no way around it. and the other people are sometimes the best part of her.
tell me why my eyes are wet.
tell me why i refuse to be absolutely decisive.
this is much like my break up with marcus.
I knew practically when it started that I wanted out... but I refused the words passage. so most of the relationship was me pretending to agree. and now we are friends with occasional conversations. he actually called me this week.
so... at this point, if the analogy are true, i will spend the rest of our college career saying the same exact thing that i have said tonight. I will ask for a 'break' and never recommence. she'll take a hint and stop calling. then about two years later she'll call out of the blue and we'll magically be on stable terms.
except marcus never ever hurt me.
And that is a lot of wasted time and energy. teh analogy is 4 years of indecision and in six years time, something resembling friendship. Why bother?
why the hell should I bother
?
if the analogy is true.
write to me.
please.
re-read my lj if you don't know/forgot what the story is all about.
*Love is...
?