Somehow, the Cracks Seem Not to Show...
I feel idiotic. It's surreal to be here, to be walking around th halls of my school after I failed at trying to do it. Half my bottle of anti-depressants, and nothing even happened. I just got a little sick. Even though no one knows, I'm humiliated. And it's so fucking weird to be in school, to be going o rehearsals, to work, to keep smiling to people and keeping up this act when last week I thought I'd be gone by now. And no one suspects. My therapist, my counselor, my doctor, my parents, my sister, my friends- nobody suspects. Everyone thinks I'm just a little sad. No one knows I've been staring at an unfulfilled suicide note for the last week and wondering why the fuck I'm still here. I'm so tired of doing this, playing at healthy, playing at normal. Who the fuck am I kidding? I don't know what fucking normal is. But tomorrow I'll get up and keep pretending for everyone else. I wish it were over. I wish I were thin and pretty and succesful and smart, and that I could wash all the stains out that are there. I want to be pure, so pure and clean that light would shine through. But I'm not. I'm a filthy, dirty, fat, ugly, stupid selfish bitch vainly grasping at things I'll never be.
I want to sleep for the next three days, btu I need to do my homework. And I have a headache and I feel like throwing up, even though I haven't eaten all day.
Oh, and insult to injury- my model cousin has started modeling for Dolce and Gabbana. Someone upstairs is just slapping me in the face now. "Isn't that wonderful? Isn't she lucky?!"
Misery loves company, indeed.
I want to sleep for the next three days, btu I need to do my homework. And I have a headache and I feel like throwing up, even though I haven't eaten all day.
Oh, and insult to injury- my model cousin has started modeling for Dolce and Gabbana. Someone upstairs is just slapping me in the face now. "Isn't that wonderful? Isn't she lucky?!"
Misery loves company, indeed.