(no subject)
Last night, when I came into my room, my mom was sitting on my bed and really, really pissed at me. She yells at me for waking her up at 3 in the morning, then proceeds to bitch at me and accuse me and interrogate me about everything until 4 in the morning. It was horrible. The whole time I just wanted to die. It was all about my eating habits and secrecy and 'my problems' and how my family really was there for me and they really do love me and they understand I have problems that are beyond my control, but could I please control them and stop inconveniencing everyone, especially her because I was really making life difficult.
I want out of my fucking house. I really thought seriously about taking off for a while, or about asking someone I know if I can stay with them for a while, but I don't know anybody that'd be ok with that. And what drives me crazy is that I just want, now that it's summer, to lose weight, to get control of everything. But no matter how much I exercise, I can't seem to break the plateau I'm at. Yesterday, I had a salad, and burned over 2000 calories and the scale didn't budge! So today, I'm fasting, since I'll finally be able to get away with it, biking, exercising, and and going ice skating with my friend. I'm crossing my fingers- hoping to lose at least two pounds, which is normal for when I fast, maybe three as I'll be burning so many calories.
I could go on and on about my mom and how, within one hour of waking me up- (Oh and my sleep schedule is entirely my own business at this point. She just doesn't know how to control me. Except to take control of my sleep schedule. I hate her sometimes) she's driven me crazy and is really pushing my buttons. I'm feeling damn near...well, I'm feeling really bad and very driven to do things some might consider stupid right now. But she's just gone out for a few hours so I have some time alone. I'm just so upset. Tomorrow I have a family party and they're all going to see how disgusting and fat I am. It doesn't matter what the fucking label says- I look fat, I look fucking obese, I am fucking fat and disgusting. I don't want them to see me.
I hate life. I'm so sick of it.