Grey Matter..
There are days (most day.. like today, for example) that I take a small moment to shut down and take a walk inside of the vast labyrinth of a place that is my head to assess where I am, mentally. Most days my visibility is miles ahead of me. I know who I am, where I am, where I'm going, what's going on around me.. The sun is shining and my intentions are concise. I am sure of my relationship with the people around me and am aware of changes that need to be made accordingly.
There are, also, some days where I take my walk and look up to find that a fog has rolled in. All I can see is white. Haze everywhere. I have no idea what is what and my direction is askew. Walls suddenly appear in front of me and all around me and I can't return to my starting point. I can't tell who I am, where I am, where I'm going, or what's around me. My inner weather man left without warning me. I note that this is happening when I talk to the people that are my close associates, usually my comfort and the shelter I seek when I feel strange in most other peoples' light, and I notice that I am uncomfortable around them. I can't read them. Everything that they say to me seems overly personal and threatening and I tread lightly upon the stones that are my words. I feel astoundingly estranged.
I come back and all I can do is be frustrated with myself. Every little mistake I make turns into a frenzy of over-analyzation. I fight my natural flow.. What in the hell is going on?? i try to rationalize with myself and say "The only thing that is different today is the filter that you're using to see the same old predictable world through.." Makes sense, so I take my walk again, and it's no good. Still can't see a damn thing!
My foggy, unpredictable nature is predictable.. I just wish I knew how to will the sun back when I need it most.
Does anyone else get this way? Or am I unique in this gravitation?
There are, also, some days where I take my walk and look up to find that a fog has rolled in. All I can see is white. Haze everywhere. I have no idea what is what and my direction is askew. Walls suddenly appear in front of me and all around me and I can't return to my starting point. I can't tell who I am, where I am, where I'm going, or what's around me. My inner weather man left without warning me. I note that this is happening when I talk to the people that are my close associates, usually my comfort and the shelter I seek when I feel strange in most other peoples' light, and I notice that I am uncomfortable around them. I can't read them. Everything that they say to me seems overly personal and threatening and I tread lightly upon the stones that are my words. I feel astoundingly estranged.
I come back and all I can do is be frustrated with myself. Every little mistake I make turns into a frenzy of over-analyzation. I fight my natural flow.. What in the hell is going on?? i try to rationalize with myself and say "The only thing that is different today is the filter that you're using to see the same old predictable world through.." Makes sense, so I take my walk again, and it's no good. Still can't see a damn thing!
My foggy, unpredictable nature is predictable.. I just wish I knew how to will the sun back when I need it most.
Does anyone else get this way? Or am I unique in this gravitation?