(no subject)
Today is another day of struggle. If I were at home, I'd be at the Sonic in Pgh Mills for an event with my Bobcam friends. I can watch it on the cam but I can't be there. And this makes me extremely sad, so I had to turn it off. I miss everyone at home so freaking much. I can't seem to turn my thoughts away from this and onto the studying I need to be doing. I sort-of made a friend yesterday. A very nice girl who is in a different lab than me, but is a PhD student in my department. She is my age, got her MS somewhere in Florida. She said she went through the exact stuff I am going through now. Extreme homesickness (she is from Iowa), long-distance relationship, etc. She even offered me to potentially move in with her next semester when my lease is up. She also was the second person to suggest that I get a dog. She did, and it made all the difference to her. (If I stay, I will get a dog somehow) And all this made me think of course. I might be able to stick this out if I had a friend, especially one that I lived with. However, there's still the question of whether or not I actually want this. I'm still not sure this intense sacrifice is worth what I'll be getting in the end. She mentioned something about a "commitment to her advisor", but did I really make a commitment to mine? I mean I'm sure she'll be disappointed if I leave, but she can always find new students. I'm fighting with myself between wanting to want this, and trying to convince myself that I don't want this. When my boyfriend says things like "I could have made you pancakes this morning", it makes me want to come home. I could do this at IUP, right? If I really wanted to? I think thats what I need to focus on. Actually, I probably shouldn't be focusing on any of this at all. (it doesn't help any that I'm really sick, either) I flat out just want to go home. And I just need to keep my eye on the end of the semester. I have to remember my feelings why this is not worth it. It would be nice to have some friends to help get me through the semester, but in the end, I think for my own sanity, I need to come home. I don't NEED to be doing this. And if I feel I NEED to, I have options back home. I just sincerely wish I could go back in time and change everything. Its such an overwhelming feeling, of wanting to kick my own ass for not doing this right. And now I'm paying for it. Fucking sucks.