(no subject)
I am liking this idea better.
I have such long entries
That I might as well break it up like this
It's got to be easier for you guys anyway.
Enjoy the sickness
0:]
Comfort.
Last night I needed comfort.
(Unlike some person I know who leaves long,
Rambling, entries and is ashamed of his loneliness,
& can't openly admit that he is a fuck up)
I am not embarrassed to admit my faults and insecurities,
Nor am I afraid to admit the silly things that comfort me, even if unorthodox.
It was late.
No one was on.
No one spoke to me through out the day.
And I went into my cold bed after being thoroughly disappointed.
I called my friend Ociris.
I realized immediately that I didn't give a fuck about what he had to say
I just needed to hear someone's voice at the other end.
I only half listened to what he was telling me about his job.
(It's pretty decent, since he has the night shift)
While he was talking, my teeth found a blister on the inside left corner of my lip.
And ripped it off.
Bite after bite after bite
The inside of my mouth was torn and devastated
Until I could not stop myself.
Say goodbye to the blister
Hello to an entire inch of scarification at the very inside of my lip.
Ouch?
No.
It felt absolutely amazing.
Maybe I am a little sick or whatever word you want to use.
But it comforted me immensely.
The blood streamed out of my self inflicted wound as if it had been
Dying
To get out.
I had not tasted myself in so long.
It was metallic and pure and sweet
And I needed more of it.
I sucked it up and drank deeply.
I can't help that I love it as much as I do,
Or that it makes me feel:
Sexual
Beautiful
Secure
It was all that I needed at that moment and I wish for yet another blister
Another reason to make myself feel the way that I can
The way that most people deny me.
This is my disease.
This leads me onto my next topic.
Fetishes.
I have this sexual fantasies and urges that are beyond unorthodox.
I ended up joining communities right here on livejournal.
I needed that reassurance that there are other people who are like me.
That find bruises and cuts and blood streams sensual.
That bondage is beautiful.
That there is pleasure in violence.
I don't feel guilt for liking the things that I do.
(Not all were named above)
It's just that I have never truly addressed them here.
I did twice.
Once with the needles.
Once with the blood.
(Of course not counting the one above)
But never have I just sat here and openly admitted that
There are topics that really get me off.
There is something about incest in literature that makes me hot and bothered.
Something about those that slaughter their victims that makes me wonder.
Gruesome war
Grotesque History
Elizabeth Bathory type shit.
It keeps me awake at night with excitement.
I'm sorry if any of this offended any of you.
I thought I should begin to address things that were a little more personal.
It tied in perfectly with the topic above.
This is the reality of who I am.
My dark side is wicked dark.
Sex.
Speaking of all that shit that gets me off,
There is something else that entices me.
And that is being spoken dirty to when being fucked
(Can you believe it?
Dominant as I am, I am submissive in the bedroom.)
Two-Three weeks ago,
A rather large black man approached me with a business proposal:
$300 to have sex with him for a night.
Interesting.
The biggest reason that I turned it down, you ask?
How will I explain to my mother that I
Prostituted myself when she questions where the money came from?
No thanks.
But it really made me think.
And just today I laughed about it with someone else.
And that someone else offered me $350.
Sex and Competitive rates?
...
I don't know.
But this is getting tempting.
Money has been short as all hell around here lately.
That money could be damn handy.
And I need to pay for my tattoos
And redo my nose piercing.
Blah blah blah
Don't compromise yourself Anezka.
Yea.
Don't cross something off your list just because you have to think hard about it.
& don't act like you are above things you have not been confronted with.
Regardless,
It has been one hell of an ego boost lately.
With them and other men desperate to
Know/fuck/love/date/kiss
Me!
I can't remember if there was more that I wanted to address
But this is pretty good for one night.
I think it was an interesting entry,
Even if it was a bit strange.
♠♣♦♥