Yesterday In Two Parts
Cuts for lengths, darlings.
I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore.
Yesterday we spent at least four fucking hours arguing. It started so simply but I have told him time and again and again and again [and keep going!] not to damn well state the most obvious solution to something when its not really a problem to begin with and I didn't ask for help. I mean, I obviously damn well know to save my extra icons until I can pay for my paid LJ account. I really horribly hate being spoken to like I am stupid and things just don't occur to me. Its patronizing me and between the two of us, I am the last one to need help problem solving something that isn't even a problem but just a means of me trying to converse since he's definitely not doing it himself.
It progressed and as always he doesn't at all listen or try to understand anything that I am fucking saying in any manner in which I say it. Period. Ever. Its entirely like he blocks out my voice when I say it to him, or simply doesn't read anything I write while I am IMing him [that in and of itself is another really sore point: He has no working phone so any conversation we have has to be over IM. And he does not always have access to the internet. So speaking to him in general is a bitch, then he doesn't really speak to begin with!]. I am more than fed up with any guy OBVIOUSLY not listening to a goddamn word I am saying and trying to pin it all back on me being dramatic but honestly! What the hell? If you've known me for a year, why the hell should I have to continue to remind you past a year NOT TO PATRONIZE ME? You know exactly how I am going to get, and it'll be worse this time than last because you have already been told countless times! I think it very clearly shows that you don't respect me, my ideas or emotions or anything else having to do with our caricature of a relationship.
And then it always always always comes back around to him projecting all his bullshit onto me and then complaining how he's soooo much more affectionate [which that of itself is another load of bullshit].
He has the audacity to tell me that I am the one who doesn't want a boyfriend, I want a pet. Him! The one who patronizes me, doesn't listen to anything I say, does not speak me, and thinks that coddling me [really, read that. Coddling me of all damn people!] solves absolutely everything. If he upsets me he thinks that a hug or a kiss should make everything stop existing and therefore the problem that upset me is gone. He has done that on a few occasions already and I have explained on every single occasion that I think that is ridiculous, patronizing, and just means that the problem will come back and with a vengeance. Not to mention that it just incites my temper insanely.
He said so many fucking ridiculous things to me that I cannot believe he would ever think them, let alone tell me something so stupid; "Its just that its this emotion that Women need protecting." What? What! No, your little 8 year old sister needs some protecting, a fucking woman does not. Your 19 year old girl friend who survived a whole mess of atrocious acts no longer needs protecting. And protection coming from a guy who has no car, no money, no place for you to really crash, and not to mention someone who is also passive-aggressive as all get up.
Things were just ridiculous. When things settled, he picked up a different argument, and then wants to accuse me of being the argumentative one, when he chose a horrendous topic that would of course lead to an argument. Not even saying that things were settling well. He had the gall to mention my "blue eyes" but my eyes are green, and then accused me of just wanting the last word because I corrected him! My eyes do indeed look bluish on occasion but my eyes are the color of young jade, why would I not correct him on the real color of my eyes 96% of the time. He argued harshly, defending the blue eyes bit, and berating me for insisting MY OWN EYES were green, as they are noted on every official document since birth, and every morning and evening when I look in the mirror. Is this not ridiculous? And worse, he took everything I said to mean I was just trying to bitch.
I hate him. He thinks nothing but the fucking worst of me, and even better still, the things he accuses me of as flaws are all things he exhibits relatively regularly.
He then picked up another argument!
He told me - basically informed me - that I use my friends Stephan and Jason. Use them. The worst possible thing you could accuse me of, and he refused to listen to anything I had to say about them. Honestly. NOTHING. He just stood by his ridiculous and ill founded opinion that I use them because I let them bring me water instead of getting it myself. He sat there and just launched a fucking attack on me over their actions, all of which I have absolutely no control over. He insists that I treat them as pets [and what the fuck is his obsession about me and pets? His mother treats his father like a pet, his ex-girlfriend treated him like a pet, and I act like neither of them and he accused me constantly of it yesterday]. Nevermind that I help that out with all kinds of personal issues, and that Stephan will, with pleasure, tell you how much I have supported him and how I have helped him be more stable after his divorce and whatnots. Personal matters that I will not expound on because its not the business of LiveJournal and not the business of my new boyfriend who met them once and was there on Stephan's tab. But I am using them? Because they haven't seen me in two months, missed the hell out of me, and were also trying to show Erik up? I was caught between an incredible rage and a crippling sorrow. He was so off the mark about me down to the very fundamentals of who I am. And he just outright laughed and told me again and again that I was just being manipulative and "wow, and I am so surprised you would be so openly manipulative" when I said to him that I think this entire completely unfounded spiel of his was based on jealousy. He laughed at me and said such fucking cruel things like how I was just being a "dramatic little school girl." I honestly think that it is jealous; he witness a group of men adore me constantly the entire weekend. He saw them make sure I was happy and comfortable. He saw them make jokes to see me smile. They are my friends and have been my friends since before I ever met Erik. I honestly think he was jealous of the amount of affection they bestowed on me and vice versa. And I told him this, not meanly, not trying to fucking start an argument but trying to honestly just talk to him because this was *clearly* the root of the argument he picked up! Not only was it not his place to comment something so extreme about people he met once but he also doesn't completely understand my relationship with them. He was a hypocrite about the whole thing, telling me in one line that he knew he didn't know so he couldn't really make that kind of heinous assumption, and in the next telling me basically Fuck you! I can and will comment about whatever the hell I want and I declare that you're using them and I absolutely refuse to listen to you and anything you have to say about the matter!
I just told him "You want to know exactly why I am not as affectionate with you as I used to be and could be?" Again, he berates me that I am just trying to manipulate him, though HE brought that topic up. HE did. Not me.
Until I just stopped responding to his bullshit and just flat out told him: Erik I am not affectionate with you as I have been in the past because I truly deep down believe that you are manipulating me. Using me. That you do not respect me. That you think the worst in me. I feel like I don't ultimately mean much to you because you always make me feel that all of my opinions and emotions are invalid. I know that emotions are not always rational and I am not always acting logically but you treat me like I am out of my fucking mind for being upset about something, or crying because I had been trying to contact you for hours to no avail and I was worried about your safety! Your safety! So why the fuck would I want to sit around and cuddle you all the time? Why would I use my oil to rub your hands and back if when its critical for you to really show you me care you show me that you don't? Why should I treat you like a Prince when you treat me like a Pauper?"
What's worse is that yes, I have not been as physically affectionate as I have been in the past. But he acts like my writing him notes, and poetry and leaving him cute things doesn't count as affection. He acts like me speaking gently to him until he falls asleep isn't affection.
I am really just not very interested in him very much anymore. We've gotten in a small handful of arguments and they are all just like this; everything is drawn out and he doesn't listen to a single goddamn thing I say. What better example than this: My boyfriend would rather spend out his dying breath trying to convince me that my own eyes are blue instead of taking the sheer fact that my eyes are green.
~~~
I ended up going out with Genesis to go see Amanda and I had a great time at the Irish Pub. And not only was the company great, it also reminded me of something my boyfriend has severely failed to remember yesterday: I am gorgeous and sexy and desirable. While I may not be everyone's cup of tea, it never fails that I attract a lot of attention wherever I am walking about and last night was far from that exception. Number of guys who were definitely checking me out? Innumerable. The place was packed for a Wednesday night and I cannot begin to tell you how many eyes I caught, how many wandering eyes I caught, and how many I caught again and again and again. This is insanely typical of a night out for me, especially when I am dressed as I was.
But then the most incredible thing happened to me like out of some movie or novel or something. It was the most fantastically epic come on that I have ever seen, let alone experienced.
I think I only saw him once very very briefly. I think he was from the kitchen or the bar itself because while he was dressed in the uniform kilt of the pub, he didn't have a notepad nor the earpiece and it seemed very much that he was stealing glances of the live band karaoke where someone was singing Stairway To Heaven, standing a less than ten feet away at the back wall while I was leaning against the pool table. I don't know how much time had passed but somewhere while the song was winding up to the next one or so when it wasn't very loud, I had my face turned to my right, when I feel a pressure on the pool table to my left so I look.
He must have planted it there, because there was no mostly gone glass of beer ON the velvet of the table. None. I had just looked there a moment ago. And behold! He stood there looking at me inspect and be shocked that there would be beer [anyone should know better than that!] and when I looked back to him he smiled at me and got theatrical, falling onto the table and then to his knees is comical upset over the stupidity of having a glass on the pool table. I can't help but laugh and I lean over towards him and tell him that I am sorry even though it wasn't mine [which I am damn sure he knew since I am really very convinced he put it there himself] and I was sorry that I didn't see who did it. He half lifts his face from his arms and glances at me, his eyes smoldering. He gestures for me to come closer, so theatrically devious. I take a step to him and he rises about half way up slightly gesturing to come closer still when he just leans his body into me, wraps an arm around my back and basically buries himself into my neck. He takes a moment, his breath lingering towards the back of oh so sensitive and tingling neck and says the strangest thing to me. "In all my years I never thought I would have to wait......on tables." He said it slowly, deliberately. It was obvious there was a double meaning behind this tragic statement. Of course there was. He paused again and rose his face from my neck just enough for him to look at my eyes before glancing over to the pull table and then back at me in a decadently seductive manner. I must have looked in absolute rapture because I just stood there watching him and I know I looked every bit as passionately turned on as I felt. He looks down at my lips before he gently lets go of me, picks up the glass and briskly walks off; as rapidly as he appeared, he disappeared from me. I didn't see him again unfortunately and silently cursed myself for being so shocked as not to have taken better advantage of such an incredible situation to find yourself in. But wow. I don't know what made me melt more: The sensation of his lips and breath ever so close to my neck? His hand on my back? The looks? Or was it the incredible confidence he had?
I was, and am enraptured by that man and what he did. He managed the most perfectly incredible come on without being creepy or making me feel uncomfortable.
And yet there is even more to it.
My relationship already has all these flags on it for failure, and what could be more obvious than having a guy come onto you as this man had and everything in me wanted dearly to run after him. I wanted that leaps and bounds more than I wanted to see or hear from my boyfriend, or to "fix things." He accused me of the terrible and hurtful thing that anyone could accuse me of and I don't know anything except I am not so hot about him - that's pretty clear since I am writing about it the day after when I have long since stopped about these kinds of things in detail. I don't know if this can be salvaged because fundamentally I don't think he respects me. I'll have to wait and see in a few days how I feel about all this and whether or not to stay or leave.
Either way I am damn glad that I am aware of how cherished, wanted and loved I am. And at least I have that to get me through whatever decision I make.
I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore.
Yesterday we spent at least four fucking hours arguing. It started so simply but I have told him time and again and again and again [and keep going!] not to damn well state the most obvious solution to something when its not really a problem to begin with and I didn't ask for help. I mean, I obviously damn well know to save my extra icons until I can pay for my paid LJ account. I really horribly hate being spoken to like I am stupid and things just don't occur to me. Its patronizing me and between the two of us, I am the last one to need help problem solving something that isn't even a problem but just a means of me trying to converse since he's definitely not doing it himself.
It progressed and as always he doesn't at all listen or try to understand anything that I am fucking saying in any manner in which I say it. Period. Ever. Its entirely like he blocks out my voice when I say it to him, or simply doesn't read anything I write while I am IMing him [that in and of itself is another really sore point: He has no working phone so any conversation we have has to be over IM. And he does not always have access to the internet. So speaking to him in general is a bitch, then he doesn't really speak to begin with!]. I am more than fed up with any guy OBVIOUSLY not listening to a goddamn word I am saying and trying to pin it all back on me being dramatic but honestly! What the hell? If you've known me for a year, why the hell should I have to continue to remind you past a year NOT TO PATRONIZE ME? You know exactly how I am going to get, and it'll be worse this time than last because you have already been told countless times! I think it very clearly shows that you don't respect me, my ideas or emotions or anything else having to do with our caricature of a relationship.
And then it always always always comes back around to him projecting all his bullshit onto me and then complaining how he's soooo much more affectionate [which that of itself is another load of bullshit].
He has the audacity to tell me that I am the one who doesn't want a boyfriend, I want a pet. Him! The one who patronizes me, doesn't listen to anything I say, does not speak me, and thinks that coddling me [really, read that. Coddling me of all damn people!] solves absolutely everything. If he upsets me he thinks that a hug or a kiss should make everything stop existing and therefore the problem that upset me is gone. He has done that on a few occasions already and I have explained on every single occasion that I think that is ridiculous, patronizing, and just means that the problem will come back and with a vengeance. Not to mention that it just incites my temper insanely.
He said so many fucking ridiculous things to me that I cannot believe he would ever think them, let alone tell me something so stupid; "Its just that its this emotion that Women need protecting." What? What! No, your little 8 year old sister needs some protecting, a fucking woman does not. Your 19 year old girl friend who survived a whole mess of atrocious acts no longer needs protecting. And protection coming from a guy who has no car, no money, no place for you to really crash, and not to mention someone who is also passive-aggressive as all get up.
Things were just ridiculous. When things settled, he picked up a different argument, and then wants to accuse me of being the argumentative one, when he chose a horrendous topic that would of course lead to an argument. Not even saying that things were settling well. He had the gall to mention my "blue eyes" but my eyes are green, and then accused me of just wanting the last word because I corrected him! My eyes do indeed look bluish on occasion but my eyes are the color of young jade, why would I not correct him on the real color of my eyes 96% of the time. He argued harshly, defending the blue eyes bit, and berating me for insisting MY OWN EYES were green, as they are noted on every official document since birth, and every morning and evening when I look in the mirror. Is this not ridiculous? And worse, he took everything I said to mean I was just trying to bitch.
I hate him. He thinks nothing but the fucking worst of me, and even better still, the things he accuses me of as flaws are all things he exhibits relatively regularly.
He then picked up another argument!
He told me - basically informed me - that I use my friends Stephan and Jason. Use them. The worst possible thing you could accuse me of, and he refused to listen to anything I had to say about them. Honestly. NOTHING. He just stood by his ridiculous and ill founded opinion that I use them because I let them bring me water instead of getting it myself. He sat there and just launched a fucking attack on me over their actions, all of which I have absolutely no control over. He insists that I treat them as pets [and what the fuck is his obsession about me and pets? His mother treats his father like a pet, his ex-girlfriend treated him like a pet, and I act like neither of them and he accused me constantly of it yesterday]. Nevermind that I help that out with all kinds of personal issues, and that Stephan will, with pleasure, tell you how much I have supported him and how I have helped him be more stable after his divorce and whatnots. Personal matters that I will not expound on because its not the business of LiveJournal and not the business of my new boyfriend who met them once and was there on Stephan's tab. But I am using them? Because they haven't seen me in two months, missed the hell out of me, and were also trying to show Erik up? I was caught between an incredible rage and a crippling sorrow. He was so off the mark about me down to the very fundamentals of who I am. And he just outright laughed and told me again and again that I was just being manipulative and "wow, and I am so surprised you would be so openly manipulative" when I said to him that I think this entire completely unfounded spiel of his was based on jealousy. He laughed at me and said such fucking cruel things like how I was just being a "dramatic little school girl." I honestly think that it is jealous; he witness a group of men adore me constantly the entire weekend. He saw them make sure I was happy and comfortable. He saw them make jokes to see me smile. They are my friends and have been my friends since before I ever met Erik. I honestly think he was jealous of the amount of affection they bestowed on me and vice versa. And I told him this, not meanly, not trying to fucking start an argument but trying to honestly just talk to him because this was *clearly* the root of the argument he picked up! Not only was it not his place to comment something so extreme about people he met once but he also doesn't completely understand my relationship with them. He was a hypocrite about the whole thing, telling me in one line that he knew he didn't know so he couldn't really make that kind of heinous assumption, and in the next telling me basically Fuck you! I can and will comment about whatever the hell I want and I declare that you're using them and I absolutely refuse to listen to you and anything you have to say about the matter!
I just told him "You want to know exactly why I am not as affectionate with you as I used to be and could be?" Again, he berates me that I am just trying to manipulate him, though HE brought that topic up. HE did. Not me.
Until I just stopped responding to his bullshit and just flat out told him: Erik I am not affectionate with you as I have been in the past because I truly deep down believe that you are manipulating me. Using me. That you do not respect me. That you think the worst in me. I feel like I don't ultimately mean much to you because you always make me feel that all of my opinions and emotions are invalid. I know that emotions are not always rational and I am not always acting logically but you treat me like I am out of my fucking mind for being upset about something, or crying because I had been trying to contact you for hours to no avail and I was worried about your safety! Your safety! So why the fuck would I want to sit around and cuddle you all the time? Why would I use my oil to rub your hands and back if when its critical for you to really show you me care you show me that you don't? Why should I treat you like a Prince when you treat me like a Pauper?"
What's worse is that yes, I have not been as physically affectionate as I have been in the past. But he acts like my writing him notes, and poetry and leaving him cute things doesn't count as affection. He acts like me speaking gently to him until he falls asleep isn't affection.
I am really just not very interested in him very much anymore. We've gotten in a small handful of arguments and they are all just like this; everything is drawn out and he doesn't listen to a single goddamn thing I say. What better example than this: My boyfriend would rather spend out his dying breath trying to convince me that my own eyes are blue instead of taking the sheer fact that my eyes are green.
~~~
I ended up going out with Genesis to go see Amanda and I had a great time at the Irish Pub. And not only was the company great, it also reminded me of something my boyfriend has severely failed to remember yesterday: I am gorgeous and sexy and desirable. While I may not be everyone's cup of tea, it never fails that I attract a lot of attention wherever I am walking about and last night was far from that exception. Number of guys who were definitely checking me out? Innumerable. The place was packed for a Wednesday night and I cannot begin to tell you how many eyes I caught, how many wandering eyes I caught, and how many I caught again and again and again. This is insanely typical of a night out for me, especially when I am dressed as I was.
But then the most incredible thing happened to me like out of some movie or novel or something. It was the most fantastically epic come on that I have ever seen, let alone experienced.
I think I only saw him once very very briefly. I think he was from the kitchen or the bar itself because while he was dressed in the uniform kilt of the pub, he didn't have a notepad nor the earpiece and it seemed very much that he was stealing glances of the live band karaoke where someone was singing Stairway To Heaven, standing a less than ten feet away at the back wall while I was leaning against the pool table. I don't know how much time had passed but somewhere while the song was winding up to the next one or so when it wasn't very loud, I had my face turned to my right, when I feel a pressure on the pool table to my left so I look.
He must have planted it there, because there was no mostly gone glass of beer ON the velvet of the table. None. I had just looked there a moment ago. And behold! He stood there looking at me inspect and be shocked that there would be beer [anyone should know better than that!] and when I looked back to him he smiled at me and got theatrical, falling onto the table and then to his knees is comical upset over the stupidity of having a glass on the pool table. I can't help but laugh and I lean over towards him and tell him that I am sorry even though it wasn't mine [which I am damn sure he knew since I am really very convinced he put it there himself] and I was sorry that I didn't see who did it. He half lifts his face from his arms and glances at me, his eyes smoldering. He gestures for me to come closer, so theatrically devious. I take a step to him and he rises about half way up slightly gesturing to come closer still when he just leans his body into me, wraps an arm around my back and basically buries himself into my neck. He takes a moment, his breath lingering towards the back of oh so sensitive and tingling neck and says the strangest thing to me. "In all my years I never thought I would have to wait......on tables." He said it slowly, deliberately. It was obvious there was a double meaning behind this tragic statement. Of course there was. He paused again and rose his face from my neck just enough for him to look at my eyes before glancing over to the pull table and then back at me in a decadently seductive manner. I must have looked in absolute rapture because I just stood there watching him and I know I looked every bit as passionately turned on as I felt. He looks down at my lips before he gently lets go of me, picks up the glass and briskly walks off; as rapidly as he appeared, he disappeared from me. I didn't see him again unfortunately and silently cursed myself for being so shocked as not to have taken better advantage of such an incredible situation to find yourself in. But wow. I don't know what made me melt more: The sensation of his lips and breath ever so close to my neck? His hand on my back? The looks? Or was it the incredible confidence he had?
I was, and am enraptured by that man and what he did. He managed the most perfectly incredible come on without being creepy or making me feel uncomfortable.
And yet there is even more to it.
My relationship already has all these flags on it for failure, and what could be more obvious than having a guy come onto you as this man had and everything in me wanted dearly to run after him. I wanted that leaps and bounds more than I wanted to see or hear from my boyfriend, or to "fix things." He accused me of the terrible and hurtful thing that anyone could accuse me of and I don't know anything except I am not so hot about him - that's pretty clear since I am writing about it the day after when I have long since stopped about these kinds of things in detail. I don't know if this can be salvaged because fundamentally I don't think he respects me. I'll have to wait and see in a few days how I feel about all this and whether or not to stay or leave.
Either way I am damn glad that I am aware of how cherished, wanted and loved I am. And at least I have that to get me through whatever decision I make.