(no subject)
im quitting life. im really bad at it. apparently baltimore decided to light the washington monument in red and now its going to look like a giant tampon. this has nothing to go with me quitting life though. no job. at all. got a letter from courtland awhile ago and i need to contact jim to tell him i want to cash out my 401k. should be about 700. ugh do not want to call. i'll just avoid it like everything else. "where are you working now?" "what are you doing?" ugh. i want adventures and happiness. i had it once but still wasnt satisfied. i suck. i have no friends and im completely alone and old. maybe im poisonous. some mom lady burned herself up in a car on ER today. yes, im still taking lexapro regularly. nope. the neighbors son across the street died my alcohol poisoning sunday before thanksgiving. possible suicide. all i can think of is "i wish i had the balls to do that" mom and dad have to know that im suicidal. ive talked about tylenol pm around them. and accidently blurted out "how many did it take?" when my aunt mentions people die from it. so im pretty sure my mom and i passed melissa while walking into target a few weeks ago. nothing. not even a "hi" wth? she was a bad "friend" anyways. she only talked or hung out when she wanted to complain about her so called crappy life. i still dont like here bf/fiance/probably husband by now jamie. i told her that enough times. if youre my friend im gonna be frank, crass and honest with you. deal with it. there comes a point in timeeither stop complaining or do something about it. i dont know why it upsets me so much. thanksgiving was good. another holiday survived without a cousin engagement. they did buy a house though. so its only a matter of time. whoopdedoo. i blame no one but myself for my problems. no one talks to me. im not interesting. i should shower. that always refreshed me. i can only like myself when im working out on a regular basis and not weighing over 200. ugh. i mean the only time a guy ever gave me attention was when i was skinnier and more beautiful. i have never been this fat in my life. and im only getting fatter. i need to get on the eliptical at least 3 times a week. so fat. what's sex?