~that was fun~
hi, im turning 25 in a month and still have knock down drag out fights with my parents. this time it was dad. monday night 10:30 he came in while i was on the computer interneting as usual. he decides this is a perfect time to ask his obvious emotionally unstable daughter "are you still looking for a job?", "maybe you should get some help""youre just avoiding" etc. i dont know what to say to all this so i say so. he repeats all of the above. at least two more times without any reaction from me.
i snapped. he doesnt know when to stop or how to talk with me and not at me. i slam the keyboard slider in and pick up mom's work laptop 2 inches of the desk and slam it down and try to get out of the room . i admit the slamming was bad decision on my part but then he comes at me with his hands on my biceps hard trying to stop and shake me. i guess he was trying to shake my sense and sanity back. "get off of me" i yell and try to escape again. i know if i stay in the room with him it will just escalate more. when he doesnt let me out of the room a third time and yells for my mother who is almost asleep in bed I take to grabbing his shirt by the collar. when mom first came into the room she was coming at me but dad stopped her "dont hurt my daughter" he said. Im still ripping dad's shirt in half. suddenly the attention comes off of me. mom and dad are talking/yelling 2 inches away from me. "get away from her, leave her alone" mom says, "she wont listen" dad says, "i know" mom says, "she has to do it on her own" mom says. i saw my opportunity to go across the hall to my room and close the door. dad reaches across mom to try and stop me. he gets one hand on the door frame so i cant close my door. i slam the door and push it onto his hand for a few seconds until i realize im probably going to break his hand. "leave me alone!" x50. mom is still trying to get him to stop and eventually pulls him into the hall outside of my room. my heart racing and throat a little sore i go back to watching Kathy Griffith a little louder than usual. "she's wasting away" "she wont listen" "she needs help" dad says. "i know hun""shes almost 25" "she has to hit rock bottom" "she has to want it" mom says.
i try to ignore it all because what can i say or do that would help them understand.
when i try to talk with my dad he just repeats the same things. "maybe you should talk to someone" "you have depression" "why dont you try?""you have an anxiety disorder"etc etc. its never "whats bothering you?" "how can we help?" a simple "whats wrong?". thats what i want to talk about but truth is, i dont know if i could answer those questions in an articulate honest way. especially to my parents. i think at one point monday night i even said "you just dont get it." i've read all the motivational stuff andi've heard all the reasons to live and have a life but when it comes time to actualy take action, i just dont. i swear my bed and the couch have magnetic powers. when ithink about the process of getting a job i want to scream and crawl out of my skin. it all just seems so fake and tedious. i cant fake being nice to customers, not even the nice ones. when i think about going to talk to the college about doing an internship to finally complete my AA degree I feel the same. fake,. tedious and just not worth it. i feel ugly and fat and not like everyone else when i go out. so i stay inside. its saves gas and money which = more time i can be unemplyed.
im sick of the sight of my parents. and the sounds they make. and the inane conversations they seem to have. and im sick of friday and saturday nights spend with them and my aunt and uncle when my cousions (my age) are 15 feet away having a better time then me.
people my age are getting careers/jobs, getting married having kids in serious relationships. facebook statuses say "we are ...." instead of "i am....." since when did it become ok to be attached at the hip to your boyfriend?
i cant even think about being in a relationship right now but at this point in life its expected. i just want friends to hang and go to concerts and possibly get drunk and just have fun. its not possible ever one is attached and already have a core set of friends. when i say i want a friend im not even sure i know what one is.
i understand that when you become a parent you dont get a help book for dummies on how to raise your child. you def dont get a book on what happens if your daughter is an phycotic emotional neurotic basketcase mess. and i know that at some point i have to stop blaming my parents for all my crap and take care and responsibilty for myself. but i dont know how. i have a bad track rocred with therapists/pchiatrists. either im being dragged to one and not talking to them or i go on my own accord and she gets my name wrong two times and i dont correct her.
wow. really long. sorry to anyone that reads this.
i snapped. he doesnt know when to stop or how to talk with me and not at me. i slam the keyboard slider in and pick up mom's work laptop 2 inches of the desk and slam it down and try to get out of the room . i admit the slamming was bad decision on my part but then he comes at me with his hands on my biceps hard trying to stop and shake me. i guess he was trying to shake my sense and sanity back. "get off of me" i yell and try to escape again. i know if i stay in the room with him it will just escalate more. when he doesnt let me out of the room a third time and yells for my mother who is almost asleep in bed I take to grabbing his shirt by the collar. when mom first came into the room she was coming at me but dad stopped her "dont hurt my daughter" he said. Im still ripping dad's shirt in half. suddenly the attention comes off of me. mom and dad are talking/yelling 2 inches away from me. "get away from her, leave her alone" mom says, "she wont listen" dad says, "i know" mom says, "she has to do it on her own" mom says. i saw my opportunity to go across the hall to my room and close the door. dad reaches across mom to try and stop me. he gets one hand on the door frame so i cant close my door. i slam the door and push it onto his hand for a few seconds until i realize im probably going to break his hand. "leave me alone!" x50. mom is still trying to get him to stop and eventually pulls him into the hall outside of my room. my heart racing and throat a little sore i go back to watching Kathy Griffith a little louder than usual. "she's wasting away" "she wont listen" "she needs help" dad says. "i know hun""shes almost 25" "she has to hit rock bottom" "she has to want it" mom says.
i try to ignore it all because what can i say or do that would help them understand.
when i try to talk with my dad he just repeats the same things. "maybe you should talk to someone" "you have depression" "why dont you try?""you have an anxiety disorder"etc etc. its never "whats bothering you?" "how can we help?" a simple "whats wrong?". thats what i want to talk about but truth is, i dont know if i could answer those questions in an articulate honest way. especially to my parents. i think at one point monday night i even said "you just dont get it." i've read all the motivational stuff andi've heard all the reasons to live and have a life but when it comes time to actualy take action, i just dont. i swear my bed and the couch have magnetic powers. when ithink about the process of getting a job i want to scream and crawl out of my skin. it all just seems so fake and tedious. i cant fake being nice to customers, not even the nice ones. when i think about going to talk to the college about doing an internship to finally complete my AA degree I feel the same. fake,. tedious and just not worth it. i feel ugly and fat and not like everyone else when i go out. so i stay inside. its saves gas and money which = more time i can be unemplyed.
im sick of the sight of my parents. and the sounds they make. and the inane conversations they seem to have. and im sick of friday and saturday nights spend with them and my aunt and uncle when my cousions (my age) are 15 feet away having a better time then me.
people my age are getting careers/jobs, getting married having kids in serious relationships. facebook statuses say "we are ...." instead of "i am....." since when did it become ok to be attached at the hip to your boyfriend?
i cant even think about being in a relationship right now but at this point in life its expected. i just want friends to hang and go to concerts and possibly get drunk and just have fun. its not possible ever one is attached and already have a core set of friends. when i say i want a friend im not even sure i know what one is.
i understand that when you become a parent you dont get a help book for dummies on how to raise your child. you def dont get a book on what happens if your daughter is an phycotic emotional neurotic basketcase mess. and i know that at some point i have to stop blaming my parents for all my crap and take care and responsibilty for myself. but i dont know how. i have a bad track rocred with therapists/pchiatrists. either im being dragged to one and not talking to them or i go on my own accord and she gets my name wrong two times and i dont correct her.
wow. really long. sorry to anyone that reads this.