Fanon Fodder (10/13)
A shorish chapter, and kind of an infodump. Sorry, but at least I'm getting it out of the way. The next chapter might be a bit in coming, as I work on making it more than a seven page list of cameos. . . . O.o
Special thanks this time to the folks over at fandomhigh, who helped out by offering up quite a list of characters who are missing body parts.
Previous chapters are located here
Time didn't mean a whole lot in the competition's corner of the multiverse, but Xander was pretty sure he'd been there for at least a month, if not longer.
Things in the multiverse had certainly changed.
Team SMG Teacozy had reached epic proportions. Xander could no longer keep track of who everyone on his team was. He could barely keep track of his "generals". Mal was easy of course, having been the first, and still someone Xander could barely speak to without his eye socket starting to throb. Picard's expertise had proven invaluable, as he'd taken over command of the so called "original team". The other generals, eleven in total, included Samurai Jack, Abe Lincoln as a teenager, the fifth Doctor, Al Calavicci, and a Scottish guy by the name of Richard Mayhew.
Make that twelve, total. SMG Teacozy had just gained another subdivision in "battle". The whole thing was just getting more and more ridiculous. Barely eight members of SMG Teacozy had made it onto the field before Darkwing Duck had forfeited.
That was almost twice as long as the "battle" against Dr. Smith from Lost in Space, which had lasted maybe half a second. The Announcer had barely finished yelling "Laaaaaaaadies".
Even the battles against the bad guys were over quickly, with Monica around to step on people.
Xander was mind-blowingly, earth-shatteringly bored.
TV's Frank had taken to manning the door of Second Banana Heaven, ever since Manny's compatriot, the Inspector, had come by and told Torgo that they were well over their maximum capacity for patrons and threatened to shut them down over code violations. Xander got the feeling that no one had expected the side-kicks to last this long in the competition. Of course, if things had gone the way the Organizers had originally planned, the "main characters" wouldn't have lasted this long, either.
And if the rumors were true, a lot of them HADN'T.
Glory hogs. . . .
TV's Frank didn't meet Xander's eye as he approached the bar. "Mr. Harris, sir."
Xander grinned at him. "What's with the cowering doorman act, Frank?"
TV's Frank took a deep breath, wiped his brow, and stepped in front of the door, blocking Xander's entrance. "Sorry sir, secondary characters only."
Xander blinked. "I know that, Frank. I live here, remember?"
TV's Frank looked like he might cry. "Not anymore. You're the Commander-in-Chief of a massive, undefeated army. You're . . . you're . . . a PRIMARY CHARACTER!"
Xander reacted without thinking. "Am not,"
Frank nodded sadly. "Are, too."
A series of beeps, whistles, and squeals echoed from the interior of the bar. Frank rolled his eyes. "Not you!"
Xander frowned. He wasn't going to keep arguing his status as a second banana. "Where'm I supposed to GO, Frank?"
Frank just shook his head sadly. Someone came up to the door behind Xander, and Frank suddenly smiled. "Mr. Verbal, sir! Right this way."
And Verbal Kent limped his way past Xander with a smile. Xander felt his jaw drop. "You're letting him in and not me?"
Frank shrugged. "He's a second banana."
Xander shook his head. "Are you kidding?! He's. . . ." His mouth opened and closed several times. "Have you even seen The Usual Suspects?"
Frank looked thoughtful. "Was it a good movie?"
Xander nodded.
"Then no, I'm afraid not." Frank gave Xander a sympathetic look and stepped through the door of Second Banana Heaven. "Good luck, Mr. Harris."
And he closed the door on the sounds of the second bananas in the bar, leaving Xander out on the street alone.
Xander stood for a moment, just looking at the door. The perpetual gray twilight of the Town seemed to dim to late dusk. He turned slowly and scanned the street.
It was emptier than Xander had ever seen it. Gone were the characters. Gone were the elves outside the shoe shop. Not even the nut seller was in sight. As Xander started down the street, he thought he heard a harmonica in the distance.
The wind picked up. Xander pulled his army jacket tighter around himself and kept walking.
It got darker. Xander walked.
A tumbleweed blew by. Xander stopped.
"Alright, already!" he shouted. "We get it! I'm lonely!"
A single crash of thunder made Xander wince, and suddenly it was pouring down rain. A quartet of violins crescendoed. Xander crossed his arms and glowered.
* * *
He wasn't sure how long he stood there, waiting for the violins and the rain to stop before he heard the now familiar call of "Ey, Santa."
Well, that's what it sounded like with Spike's accent. Xander turned to face the anime character with a smile. "Hey Spike, what's going on?"
Spike was, as usual, looking somewhere below Xander's chin as he spoke, in order to read the subtitles. The woman with him, an attractive girl wearing an eyepatch, smiled. As did the white mouse, also wearing an eyepatch, sitting on her shoulder.
"Hi!" The woman held out her hand. "I'm Grace, and this is Dangermouse. We're headed to Phantom Pains." She gestured to her eyepatch. "You're welcome to join us."
Xander lowered his chin and peered at the trio. "What's Phantom Pains?"
It was Spike who answered, so Xander hastened to read the subtitles. "A bar and inn for those of us who have lost body parts."
Grace took Xander's arm to lead him as they started down the street. "I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. There's a whole slew of us one-eyed folk who hang out there."
"Yeah?" Xander peered sideways at Spike. "What body part are you missing?"
Spike touched his face. "Eye. This one is a replacement. There is a ‘loss of eye' support group meeting tonight, but we should still be able to find something to do." He leaned closer to Xander. "I say this only because I am on your team, but I wouldn't get too close to Grace. Her boyfriend's an assassin, and very possessive."
Xander glanced over at Grace, who was still holding his left arm, and chatting with Dangermouse. "What fandom is she from?"
"A book, I think." Spike shrugged. "I've never read it."
Xander nodded, trying to keep an eye on Spike's subtitles and an eye on Grace at the same time. "Figures. I always attract the dangerous ones."
* * *
Xander, Spike, Grace, and Dangermouse entered Phantom Pains to the sound of a loud, deep voice sobbing. Grace rolled her eyes and shook her head. "That's just Polyphemus. He and King Lear always take over the eye-loss support group sessions." She gestured to a door on their right. Xander leaned in to get a better look.
A giant man wearing an eyepatch over his only eye stood at a podium, sniffing and gurgling into a giant tissue. A shorter, older man in a crown, wearing a bloodied bandage over his eyes held the giant's elbow and snuffled.
"Calling himself ‘Nobody'." The old man shook his head. "The nerve of some people." The giant sobbed harder while the people gathered in the audience talked quietly amongst themselves. "Why," said the old man. "It's almost as bad as ‘out, out vile jelly.'"
The giant wailed.
Grace tugged on Xander's elbow and pulled him out of the room. "Ignore them. They're still upset over the loss of their eyes, and it's been hundreds of years. They do this every week." She shook her head. "Some people humor him, but Spike and I usually go sit in the bar until those two have cried themselves to sleep."
Spike nodded, leading the way towards the back of the establishment. Xander followed, and was relieved as the giant's sobs faded into the distance.
The bar was filled with people, all sporting crutches or slings, canes or eye-patches. Xander spotted Ash and waved. Ash talking with who he assumed was probably Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump. He couldn't remember any other Gary Sinise characters with missing limbs. Long John Silver and Captain Ahab seemed to be sharing sea stories in the corner, and Luke and Anakin Skywalker seemed to be having an in depth conversation that involved a lot of glowering, and, Xander thought, probably a fair amount of daddy issues. Xander shook his head. This place was insane.
He was very surprised when he saw Aaron, sporting an eye-patch, sitting at the bar talking to a man, also patched, wearing a dark black suit and smoking a cigarette. His heart dropped and he disentangled himself from Grace to hurry over.
"Aaron!" He leaned up against the bar next to his friend. "Geez, man, how did that happen?"
Aaron cast a quick look around, then leaned toward Xander and lifted the patch. Xander flinched, but underneath was a perfectly healthy eye, blinking at him. Aaron grinned. "It's a disguise. I knew you'd show up here eventually."
The man in the suit cleared his throat and Aaron hurriedly dropped the eye-patch. "Xander, this is Pete Wisdom. He's the one who gave me the idea."
Wisdom grinned and tapped his own eye-patch. "This is the eyepatch of love. Best thing I ever invested in. Gives me the mutant power of being horribly sexy."*
Aaron rolled his visible eye. "Yeah, we get it. You've said that about three times already."
Xander just stared at Wisdom. "You know, from someone who really IS missing his left eye, I find that joke in bad taste." He twisted his mouth. "Even if it is probably true, which I say in a totally heterosexual, one manly-man to another, kind of way." He turned back to Aaron. "I'm glad you're okay though. Is it okay to talk, here?"
Aaron nodded. "None of the NPCs are missing limbs or eyes, so we're in the clear."
Xander blinked. "NPCs?"
"You know, like the Man. The folks who are just here to run the competition and aren't actually fictional characters themselves." Aaron shrugged. "I got the term online, it seemed to fit. But that's not important. Mehri and Susan."
Xander nodded. The pair of mysterious girls had been showing up to the SMG Teacozy battles regularly, but, like the geek trio, hadn't really had much to say or do there lately, other than distribute weapons to the army. He'd barely even talked to the two lately. "Who are they?"
Aaron tilted his head. "See, that's not the easiest question to answer. They're fictional, but not like you and me, and as far as I can tell, they're not NPCs. I think they're something called a ‘Mary-Sue'."
"Their NAMES are Mehri and Susan."
"Right. And that's who they are. Mary-Sues are part of fandom culture. They're characters written by fans who are somehow good at absolutely everything. They're not usually dangerous to the characters from the fandom, though. Not the good guys, anyway."
Xander shook his head. "Then why are they here? Why are they on my team?"
Aaron shrugged. "That I don't know yet. You should be able to trust them, though. They're one heck of an advantage."
"Not that it matters," Wisdom added. "We're not going to be here too much longer."
Xander ran his hand over his face. "What do you mean?"
Wisdom cast him a skeptical look. "You mean you haven't heard? The competition's ending tomorrow."
Xander shook his head. "How? There are still thousands of characters left."
Aaron nodded. "Right, but there're only six TEAMS left. Three good, three bad. The audience is so sick of watching us forfeit to each other that the Organizers have changed up the rules. Tomorrow is the battle royal, good vs evil, winner take all. No forfeits allowed."
Xander stared at the two for a long moment. Wisdom and Aaron stared back. "Well," he said, finally. "At least it'll be over."
He wasn't sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, he'd finally be getting the hell out of this place. On the other, he'd made a lot of friends.
And he sure as hell didn't want to die. And tomorrow, he probably would. "Who are the teams?"
Aaron held up his hand and counted them off. "SMG Teacozy, of course. And Sark's team, the L Conspiracy. Then there's Weiss' team, Spy Buddy, which combined with AH Love this afternoon, and Double-0 Amazing on the good side, and Jokes on You and Refrigerator Magnet on the evil side." Aaron looked at his hand. "It should be quite the battle."
Xander took a deep breath. "Yeah. You seem to be pretty up on all this stuff, which team is Buffy on?"
"Short bint? About this tall?" Wisdom held up his hand around his shoulder. Xander nodded. "She went down early. Possibly her first fight. I heard she didn't even fight back."
Xander's knees went loose and he gripped the bar. He held out a hand, and a beer appeared almost magically in it. He took a very long drink. "How?"
Wisdom shrugged. "Guess she didn't feel like fighting. Said something about having done this twice before." He shook his head. "As far as I knew, this Multiverse championship thing was a one time deal."
"Dying." Xander's voice hurt. "She's died twice before." He took another long drink. "Damn. At least she got out."
Wisdom nodded. Aaron put his hand on Xander's shoulder. "Hey, look on the bright side. Maybe dying tomorrow won't hurt."
Xander just stared at him. Aaron had the grace to look chagrined and turn his attention to his drink. Xander set his down firmly on the bar and went to look for Spike and Ash.
It was time to start planning strategy for tomorrow's big battle.
------
* - quoted word for word from the comics. It's just too good of a line not to use. . . .
Who do you wanna see fight who? Last chance to request!
Special thanks this time to the folks over at fandomhigh, who helped out by offering up quite a list of characters who are missing body parts.
Previous chapters are located here
Time didn't mean a whole lot in the competition's corner of the multiverse, but Xander was pretty sure he'd been there for at least a month, if not longer.
Things in the multiverse had certainly changed.
Team SMG Teacozy had reached epic proportions. Xander could no longer keep track of who everyone on his team was. He could barely keep track of his "generals". Mal was easy of course, having been the first, and still someone Xander could barely speak to without his eye socket starting to throb. Picard's expertise had proven invaluable, as he'd taken over command of the so called "original team". The other generals, eleven in total, included Samurai Jack, Abe Lincoln as a teenager, the fifth Doctor, Al Calavicci, and a Scottish guy by the name of Richard Mayhew.
Make that twelve, total. SMG Teacozy had just gained another subdivision in "battle". The whole thing was just getting more and more ridiculous. Barely eight members of SMG Teacozy had made it onto the field before Darkwing Duck had forfeited.
That was almost twice as long as the "battle" against Dr. Smith from Lost in Space, which had lasted maybe half a second. The Announcer had barely finished yelling "Laaaaaaaadies".
Even the battles against the bad guys were over quickly, with Monica around to step on people.
Xander was mind-blowingly, earth-shatteringly bored.
TV's Frank had taken to manning the door of Second Banana Heaven, ever since Manny's compatriot, the Inspector, had come by and told Torgo that they were well over their maximum capacity for patrons and threatened to shut them down over code violations. Xander got the feeling that no one had expected the side-kicks to last this long in the competition. Of course, if things had gone the way the Organizers had originally planned, the "main characters" wouldn't have lasted this long, either.
And if the rumors were true, a lot of them HADN'T.
Glory hogs. . . .
TV's Frank didn't meet Xander's eye as he approached the bar. "Mr. Harris, sir."
Xander grinned at him. "What's with the cowering doorman act, Frank?"
TV's Frank took a deep breath, wiped his brow, and stepped in front of the door, blocking Xander's entrance. "Sorry sir, secondary characters only."
Xander blinked. "I know that, Frank. I live here, remember?"
TV's Frank looked like he might cry. "Not anymore. You're the Commander-in-Chief of a massive, undefeated army. You're . . . you're . . . a PRIMARY CHARACTER!"
Xander reacted without thinking. "Am not,"
Frank nodded sadly. "Are, too."
A series of beeps, whistles, and squeals echoed from the interior of the bar. Frank rolled his eyes. "Not you!"
Xander frowned. He wasn't going to keep arguing his status as a second banana. "Where'm I supposed to GO, Frank?"
Frank just shook his head sadly. Someone came up to the door behind Xander, and Frank suddenly smiled. "Mr. Verbal, sir! Right this way."
And Verbal Kent limped his way past Xander with a smile. Xander felt his jaw drop. "You're letting him in and not me?"
Frank shrugged. "He's a second banana."
Xander shook his head. "Are you kidding?! He's. . . ." His mouth opened and closed several times. "Have you even seen The Usual Suspects?"
Frank looked thoughtful. "Was it a good movie?"
Xander nodded.
"Then no, I'm afraid not." Frank gave Xander a sympathetic look and stepped through the door of Second Banana Heaven. "Good luck, Mr. Harris."
And he closed the door on the sounds of the second bananas in the bar, leaving Xander out on the street alone.
Xander stood for a moment, just looking at the door. The perpetual gray twilight of the Town seemed to dim to late dusk. He turned slowly and scanned the street.
It was emptier than Xander had ever seen it. Gone were the characters. Gone were the elves outside the shoe shop. Not even the nut seller was in sight. As Xander started down the street, he thought he heard a harmonica in the distance.
The wind picked up. Xander pulled his army jacket tighter around himself and kept walking.
It got darker. Xander walked.
A tumbleweed blew by. Xander stopped.
"Alright, already!" he shouted. "We get it! I'm lonely!"
A single crash of thunder made Xander wince, and suddenly it was pouring down rain. A quartet of violins crescendoed. Xander crossed his arms and glowered.
* * *
He wasn't sure how long he stood there, waiting for the violins and the rain to stop before he heard the now familiar call of "Ey, Santa."
Well, that's what it sounded like with Spike's accent. Xander turned to face the anime character with a smile. "Hey Spike, what's going on?"
Spike was, as usual, looking somewhere below Xander's chin as he spoke, in order to read the subtitles. The woman with him, an attractive girl wearing an eyepatch, smiled. As did the white mouse, also wearing an eyepatch, sitting on her shoulder.
"Hi!" The woman held out her hand. "I'm Grace, and this is Dangermouse. We're headed to Phantom Pains." She gestured to her eyepatch. "You're welcome to join us."
Xander lowered his chin and peered at the trio. "What's Phantom Pains?"
It was Spike who answered, so Xander hastened to read the subtitles. "A bar and inn for those of us who have lost body parts."
Grace took Xander's arm to lead him as they started down the street. "I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. There's a whole slew of us one-eyed folk who hang out there."
"Yeah?" Xander peered sideways at Spike. "What body part are you missing?"
Spike touched his face. "Eye. This one is a replacement. There is a ‘loss of eye' support group meeting tonight, but we should still be able to find something to do." He leaned closer to Xander. "I say this only because I am on your team, but I wouldn't get too close to Grace. Her boyfriend's an assassin, and very possessive."
Xander glanced over at Grace, who was still holding his left arm, and chatting with Dangermouse. "What fandom is she from?"
"A book, I think." Spike shrugged. "I've never read it."
Xander nodded, trying to keep an eye on Spike's subtitles and an eye on Grace at the same time. "Figures. I always attract the dangerous ones."
* * *
Xander, Spike, Grace, and Dangermouse entered Phantom Pains to the sound of a loud, deep voice sobbing. Grace rolled her eyes and shook her head. "That's just Polyphemus. He and King Lear always take over the eye-loss support group sessions." She gestured to a door on their right. Xander leaned in to get a better look.
A giant man wearing an eyepatch over his only eye stood at a podium, sniffing and gurgling into a giant tissue. A shorter, older man in a crown, wearing a bloodied bandage over his eyes held the giant's elbow and snuffled.
"Calling himself ‘Nobody'." The old man shook his head. "The nerve of some people." The giant sobbed harder while the people gathered in the audience talked quietly amongst themselves. "Why," said the old man. "It's almost as bad as ‘out, out vile jelly.'"
The giant wailed.
Grace tugged on Xander's elbow and pulled him out of the room. "Ignore them. They're still upset over the loss of their eyes, and it's been hundreds of years. They do this every week." She shook her head. "Some people humor him, but Spike and I usually go sit in the bar until those two have cried themselves to sleep."
Spike nodded, leading the way towards the back of the establishment. Xander followed, and was relieved as the giant's sobs faded into the distance.
The bar was filled with people, all sporting crutches or slings, canes or eye-patches. Xander spotted Ash and waved. Ash talking with who he assumed was probably Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump. He couldn't remember any other Gary Sinise characters with missing limbs. Long John Silver and Captain Ahab seemed to be sharing sea stories in the corner, and Luke and Anakin Skywalker seemed to be having an in depth conversation that involved a lot of glowering, and, Xander thought, probably a fair amount of daddy issues. Xander shook his head. This place was insane.
He was very surprised when he saw Aaron, sporting an eye-patch, sitting at the bar talking to a man, also patched, wearing a dark black suit and smoking a cigarette. His heart dropped and he disentangled himself from Grace to hurry over.
"Aaron!" He leaned up against the bar next to his friend. "Geez, man, how did that happen?"
Aaron cast a quick look around, then leaned toward Xander and lifted the patch. Xander flinched, but underneath was a perfectly healthy eye, blinking at him. Aaron grinned. "It's a disguise. I knew you'd show up here eventually."
The man in the suit cleared his throat and Aaron hurriedly dropped the eye-patch. "Xander, this is Pete Wisdom. He's the one who gave me the idea."
Wisdom grinned and tapped his own eye-patch. "This is the eyepatch of love. Best thing I ever invested in. Gives me the mutant power of being horribly sexy."*
Aaron rolled his visible eye. "Yeah, we get it. You've said that about three times already."
Xander just stared at Wisdom. "You know, from someone who really IS missing his left eye, I find that joke in bad taste." He twisted his mouth. "Even if it is probably true, which I say in a totally heterosexual, one manly-man to another, kind of way." He turned back to Aaron. "I'm glad you're okay though. Is it okay to talk, here?"
Aaron nodded. "None of the NPCs are missing limbs or eyes, so we're in the clear."
Xander blinked. "NPCs?"
"You know, like the Man. The folks who are just here to run the competition and aren't actually fictional characters themselves." Aaron shrugged. "I got the term online, it seemed to fit. But that's not important. Mehri and Susan."
Xander nodded. The pair of mysterious girls had been showing up to the SMG Teacozy battles regularly, but, like the geek trio, hadn't really had much to say or do there lately, other than distribute weapons to the army. He'd barely even talked to the two lately. "Who are they?"
Aaron tilted his head. "See, that's not the easiest question to answer. They're fictional, but not like you and me, and as far as I can tell, they're not NPCs. I think they're something called a ‘Mary-Sue'."
"Their NAMES are Mehri and Susan."
"Right. And that's who they are. Mary-Sues are part of fandom culture. They're characters written by fans who are somehow good at absolutely everything. They're not usually dangerous to the characters from the fandom, though. Not the good guys, anyway."
Xander shook his head. "Then why are they here? Why are they on my team?"
Aaron shrugged. "That I don't know yet. You should be able to trust them, though. They're one heck of an advantage."
"Not that it matters," Wisdom added. "We're not going to be here too much longer."
Xander ran his hand over his face. "What do you mean?"
Wisdom cast him a skeptical look. "You mean you haven't heard? The competition's ending tomorrow."
Xander shook his head. "How? There are still thousands of characters left."
Aaron nodded. "Right, but there're only six TEAMS left. Three good, three bad. The audience is so sick of watching us forfeit to each other that the Organizers have changed up the rules. Tomorrow is the battle royal, good vs evil, winner take all. No forfeits allowed."
Xander stared at the two for a long moment. Wisdom and Aaron stared back. "Well," he said, finally. "At least it'll be over."
He wasn't sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, he'd finally be getting the hell out of this place. On the other, he'd made a lot of friends.
And he sure as hell didn't want to die. And tomorrow, he probably would. "Who are the teams?"
Aaron held up his hand and counted them off. "SMG Teacozy, of course. And Sark's team, the L Conspiracy. Then there's Weiss' team, Spy Buddy, which combined with AH Love this afternoon, and Double-0 Amazing on the good side, and Jokes on You and Refrigerator Magnet on the evil side." Aaron looked at his hand. "It should be quite the battle."
Xander took a deep breath. "Yeah. You seem to be pretty up on all this stuff, which team is Buffy on?"
"Short bint? About this tall?" Wisdom held up his hand around his shoulder. Xander nodded. "She went down early. Possibly her first fight. I heard she didn't even fight back."
Xander's knees went loose and he gripped the bar. He held out a hand, and a beer appeared almost magically in it. He took a very long drink. "How?"
Wisdom shrugged. "Guess she didn't feel like fighting. Said something about having done this twice before." He shook his head. "As far as I knew, this Multiverse championship thing was a one time deal."
"Dying." Xander's voice hurt. "She's died twice before." He took another long drink. "Damn. At least she got out."
Wisdom nodded. Aaron put his hand on Xander's shoulder. "Hey, look on the bright side. Maybe dying tomorrow won't hurt."
Xander just stared at him. Aaron had the grace to look chagrined and turn his attention to his drink. Xander set his down firmly on the bar and went to look for Spike and Ash.
It was time to start planning strategy for tomorrow's big battle.
------
* - quoted word for word from the comics. It's just too good of a line not to use. . . .
Who do you wanna see fight who? Last chance to request!