Everything I need to know about medicine I learned from hurt/comfort fic

[bellatemple]

I'm bored at work. This is what happens.

(not actually in any particular order other than when I thought of them:

1. Every injury will, invariably, get infected.
2. Every infection will result in a high fever
   • In excess of 104 degrees farenheit, if a thermometer is available
     • If there's no thermometer, than the comforter (hereafter the "De Facto Nurse") will be able to feel the fever from across the room
   • resulting in nightmares, hallucinations, and heart wrenching but manly! whimpers
   • In spite of all this, the victim will continue to insist that he/she is fine until they're physically incapable of doing so
     • usually evidenced by dramatic fainting spells
       • This is, actually, true about any injury, anywhere, any time. Ever.
   • The proper way to reduce this fever is to dunk the victim in a cold bath or cover them in icepacks**
     • This not only drops the feverish symptom, but also cures the original ailment!
3. CPR will only work if one pounds on the victim's chest with one's fist while crying out in anger/despair
   • Bonus points if this involves verbally assaulting the victim while they're at it
4. A pregnant woman's water will always break at the least opportune time possible.
   • A pregnant man's will never break at all
     • Probably because no one really wants to think about where the fluid would come out
5. Naked cuddle time is the only cure for hypothermia
   • Once the victim is warmed up, there's never any need to worry about further complications or go see a doctor
6. If the injury/illness is to be cured, it can't work until everyone is absolutely certain that the victim is dead
   • Sex Love is totally a viable cure for anything from a hangover to leprosy
   • The victim never actually dies, and he/she and the De Facto Nurse always live, if not happily ever after, then to hurt and comfort another day*
7. Everyone is allergic to penicillin
   • And most of them don't know it, yet
8. Rubbing someone's back when they throw up is rewarding for both people*
   • not even remotely seriously pretty gross or awkward
9. All head injuries result in concussions
   • Usually resulting in delightful comic hilarity!
   • Or dramatic fainting spells
10. Doctors will never properly believe in the healing power of love, and as such will always try to keep the de facto nurse from sitting with the victim
    • The nurses, on the other hand, will think that the de facto nurse is sweet and sneak them candy
11. The victim will always apologize for dying, because victims are kind, considerate people
    • That being said, they will deny the apology nine ways from Sunday as soon as they are fucked loved back to life
12. If a victim is going to lose consciousness, it will usually happen mid sentence
13. Every hospital stay will involve at least one encounter with a defibrillator
    • And probably a ventilator, too
      • Or at least an oxygen mask
        • Which no victim will ever be able to resist trying to remove, no matter how many times someone tells them not to
    • But don't worry, the victim will always be in a private room, and a hospital bed big enough for sexual healing cuddling***
14. Should the De Facto Nurse become worried enough about the victim to burst into tears, those tears may well have restorative properties*
    • As evidenced by the fact that they are non-snot-inducing tears
      • Nor do they ruin one's mascara, should one be wearing any
15. Any pills required for the injury/illness can be swallowed dry**
    • This shows how hardcore the victim is!
16. And no matter the degree of injury/illness, victim will always, always, remain unbearably sexy
    • And totally, despite injury/illness, up for some hot lovin'.***

* indicates points brought up by twasadark
** indicates points brought up by mikis53
*** indicates points brought up by missyjack

I know I'm forgetting some things. Help me out, here!

I'll be coming up with some h/c recs to go with this list, eventually. But I'm impatient, so I'm posting the list, first. Mwa!

Well, okay, so many of these are really just "Dean gets whomped" recs. What can I say, I have a weakness. I also have many, many, many more favorites, but I'm trying to pick out ones that really stand out for being somewhat different, or just exceptionally well-written (or, quite frequently, both).

Beach Blanket Poltergeist by hansbekhart
They come from the north, exhausted by the sprawling highways and overpasses of Silicon Valley.
Sam and Dean go a-huntin' in Santa Cruz. A very nicely put together case!fic with a very good sense of setting. And both brothers getting their share of being smacked around.

His Exception to the Rule by pdragon76
Sometimes the echo off the hills is louder than the shot.
Ye olde Dean's injured, Sam worries, Dean says "no hospital" fic. The thing that gets me on this one is the structure, the way the story seems to cycle back over and over as it plays out, with the refrain of "Unless . . ." to tie you back every time. (For more of pdragon76 h/c work, you should definitely check out Blind Spot. Much longer and lots and lots of whomping on both boys.)

Detention by Chya (ff.net)
Dean gets a detention from a school ghost. It's gonna hurt.
One of those "one of the boys is trapped by a ghost on a hunt and the other must find them!" fics. It's the ghost that really intrigues me, here, as well as Dean's eventual reaction to it.

Fire in the Hole by big_pink
After Sam leaves for Stanford, Dean falls hard and John doesn’t catch him. Their long bloody year comes to an abrupt end in the silver mining district of western Nevada, where both father and son must face their worst fears.
Yeeeeah, there's a fair 'mount more hurt than comfort in this one. Fair amount of that in any of big_pink's fics, in fact, all of which come recommended by sheer nature of the consistency of voice and imagery. Her pacing might be a little slow to those used to reading fanfic, but the way she takes her time is definitely worth it, in the end. I recommend Fire in the Hole here simply because it's the first I read by her. Seriously. Check her stuff out.

The 1300 Days by stele3
The story of Dean while Sam's away at college. It's really, really not an easy road for the boy. Again, a fic that really digs in and takes its time. Also draws a fair amount from house-sprite type folklore, rather than just ooky monster lore, which I always find nice.

A Good Man is Hard to Find by kimonkey7
Dean keeps his word, and ramifications scatter like salt shot. Secrets, liquor, and bad things. Whump, angst, and banter. Title borrowed from Flannery O'Connor.
I have nothing to add to that description, except that this is grittier than you'll usually find in fanfic that's not all about gratuitous kink. This sucker hurts the reader almost as much as it hurts Dean (and it hurts Dean), but Sam sticks with him every step of the way, despite not really understanding wtf is wrong with him. kimonkey7 is another one you really oughta just sift through the archives of. While some works are certainly stronger than others, nothing disappoints.

The Month of Open Doors series by gekizetsu
And Fools Shine On Week one: nothing in his arsenal is going to save him from his brother.
If Belief Was Enough Week two: the boys go looking for the entrance to hell.
Woven Week three: lightning does strike twice.
Heart and Hearth Coda to Woven.
Some of the first fic I read in this Fandom, a little over a year ago (man, has it really only been that long? Huh) Admittedly, I can't say I always understand where gekizetsu is going with this stuff, but I'm always interested to try and find out. The sometimes subtle, sometimes brutally apparent h/c in this series is pretty fascinating. It's not your usual dislocated shoulder/knock on the head/cracked ribs fare, to say the least.

I'd Drive All Night by roque_clasique
Totally AU. John's missing, and Dean is hurt. He hasn't gone to Stanford to get Sam... because, you know, he's hurt.
A nice, long, excellent hurt!Dean fic. A perfect example of injured!Dean still being quintessentially Dean. Seriously, just read it.