Non-traditional fic: Death and Taxes (SPN, Gen)
Title: Death and Taxes
Author: Bella Temple
Category: SPN, Gen, non-traditional format, crack
Rating: Teen (implied language and violence)
Warnings: Written in the style of a United State Tax Court opinion, as published by my company
Spoilers: All aired episodes, specifically for "Skin", "In My Time of Dying", and "Jus In Belo"
Characters: Sam, Dean, OLZ (Original Lawyer Zombies)
Disclaimer: The characters and basic premise within are property of Warner Bros, Eric Kripke, etc. No money is being made off this work of fiction.
Author's note: The blame for this fic resides solely on the shoulders of timjr, as it is the result of the following conversation in email:
Me: ". . . Wow, apparently today is the day of long winded Tax Court judges."
timjr: "I'm sorry? At least they're not trying to eat your brains?"
It should be noted that I am not a lawyer. I do not pretend to be a lawyer. I am just a girl who spends far too much time at her job formatting Court Opinions for publication. All errors in formatting and presentation are my own, and are strictly due to my amateur nature.
Summary: Commisioner of Internal Revenue, Supernatural Division, Plaintiff, v. Samuel and Dean Winchester, Defendants
COMMISSIONER OF INTERNAL REVENUE,
SUPERNATURAL DIVISION
Plaintiff
v.
SAMUEL and DEAN WINCHESTER*
Defendants
UNITED STATES SUPERNATURAL TAX COURT
DEAD CLAIMS DIVISION
April 16, 2008
PRECEDENTIAL
ROMERO, Special Trial Judge: The issue for decision is whether defendants defaulted on owed taxes under section 2405-79 of the Supernatural Tax Code, and whether or not defendants assume liability for taxes owed by their father, John Winchester, who was non-appearing in the court proceedings. Defendants maintain a lack of obligation due to clerical error.1
FINDINGS OF FACT
I. Dates and Locations of Death
On March 7, 2006, defendant Dean Winchester was pronounced dead on the scene in the home of Rebbecca Warren of St. Louis, MO, while under suspicion for several counts of murder and attempted murder. His body was removed to the St. Louis University Hospital for autopsy, where it was determined that the cause of death was a single silver bullet to the heart. The body remained unclaimed and as such was interred by the state at Oakdale Cemetery, where it remains undisturbed today.2
On November 4, 2006 at 10:41 AM, the defendants' father, John Winchester, was declared dead at Sioux Valley Hospital in Sioux Falls, SD. Official cause of death was heart failure; cause unknown. Speculation indicates that this was due to complications from injuries sustained when plaintiffs' car was struck by a tractor trailer. John Winchester was registered under the name "Elroy McGillicudy", and his body was released to plaintiffs under the names of "Silas" and "Alton McGillicudy".3 Current location and condition of Mr. Winchester remains unknown.
On February 21, 2008, both defendants were pronounced dead on the scene at the El Paso County Jail in Monument, CO, where they had been held pending transfer to a secure facility by the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Due to the severity of the explosion, no bodies could be recovered at the scene.4 Cause of death was speculated to be incineration.
Defendants argue that they do not owe taxes under section 2405-79 of the Supernatural Tax Code, due to the claim that they are not, in fact, deceased. When asked after the condition and location of their father, both declined to comment.5
II. Tax Status
A. Income Tax
John Winchester's last tax return filed listed his occupation as "Automobile Mechanic", and was filed FY1983. He and the defendants were listed as missing persons in January of 1984, at which point all official record of John Winchester's financial activity ceased.
Samuel Winchester filed a tax return as a student at Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA, in FY2003 and FY2004. After the death of Jessica L. Moore on November 3, 2005, Samuel Winchester took a leave of absence from schooling.6 He has not filed a return or re-enrolled since that time.
Dean Winchester has never filed a tax return. When asked what his occupation was, he responded "freelance badass". He declined to offer any indication of his yearly income.7
B. Supernatural Tax
All three Winchesters have been reputed to have involvement in the supernatural goings-on across the country since 1984. For a complete list of activities, please see Exhibit A.8
Defendants deny all knowledge of the Supernatural Tax Code. When asked to comment upon their activities for the last 24 years, Dean Winchester responded "You know about this [expletive deleted]?", "I cannot believe this [expletive deleted] you're trying to [expletive deleted]", and made a request for a silver stake. Samuel Winchester responded "Death and taxes. Aren't you taking that a little too literally?" and "they never covered this under pre-law."
OPINION
Section 2405-79 of the Dead Tax Code states that "all deceased individuals who have had an involvement in or affiliation with a supernatural body or entity are required pay 1/3 of their gray matter to Internal Revenue Service, Dead Claims Division". McDermott v. Commissioner, 197 S.T.C. 102 (1985), established that all unpaid taxes shall be penalized with a 100% interest rate per year, to be collected by the Commissioner upon court ruling. Under this ruling, the defendants would owe as follows:
Years deceasedTotal owed
(gray matter)John WinchesterFY2006, FY2007, FY2008100%
Dean WinchesterFY2006, FY2007, FY2008100%
Samuel WinchesterFY200833.33%
Total familial debt233.33%
Defendants rescinded request for an update in their status to "non-deceased" upon reminder that such an update would reopen the case against them with the Federal Bureau of Investigations, though Samuel Winchester argued "If [the court] know[s] that [the defendants] were involved in hunting the supernatural, how can [the court] charge [the defendants] with first degree murder?" He was referred to section 69(A) of the Supernatural Tax Code, colloquially known as the "monsters are people too" act, which gives supernatural entities equal rights under supernatural law. He rescinded his argument.
It is the opinion of this court that defendants Samuel and Dean Winchester, formerly of Lawrence, KS,9 are found guilty of Supernatural tax evasion, and hereby required to relinquish the full 233.33% of gray matter owed, immediately.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
G.A. ROMERO
Special Trial Judge
ADDENDUM TO THE MEMORANDUM
Defendants requested an immediate appeal of Judge Romero's decision in Commissioner v. Winchester, on the grounds that "[they] have guns, Latin, and an [expletive deleted]-load of other ammunition and [they] are not afraid to use them" and that the court officials were "all just a load of lawyer zombies". Dean Winchester also argued that he "eats zombie [expletive deleted]s like [the court] for breakfast, suckers".
The court finds in favor of this compelling argument, and Judge Romero has been removed from the bench. Attorneys Roy Tucker and Milliard Rausch have opted to retire to their grave beds. Defendants Samuel and Dean Winchester, and their father John Winchester, are hereby cleared of all debts under the Supernatural Tax Code, contingent upon their agreement to not forcibly retire the Commissioner.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
W.E. SEABROOK
Commissioner of Internal Revenue
Supernatural Division
FOOTNOTES
* Also arguing in absentia for John Winchester.
1 As defendant Dean Winchester succinctly put it: "We have heart beats, you [expletive deleted] bureaucratic morons"
2 As verified by Pvt. Miguel Salazar, April 12, 2008
3 The true identity of the "McGillicudy" family was discovered by Helen Cooper, the next door neighbor of the real Elroy McGillicudy, who was quite surprised to learn of his untimely demise.
4 Invalidation of this excuse for non-payment established in Russo v. Commissioner, 110, S.T.C. 96 (1968)
5 Though Dean Winchester politely -- but inappropriately -- offered to allow the court to perform acts of a sexual nature upon his non-existent dog.
6 See Stanford University enrollment, 2005-06.
7 Though he made a second offer, this time upon his car with a giraffe.
8 See also Exhibits B-QQQ.
9 Currently of "Anywhere, USA".
END OF FOOTNOTES
[Additonal author's note: All names and numbers cited in this fic are references to various zombie movies, nabbed via IMDb. Locations have been determined using the Supernatural Wikipedia and far too much time on Google. No zombies or lawyers were hurt during the writing of this fic.]
Author: Bella Temple
Category: SPN, Gen, non-traditional format, crack
Rating: Teen (implied language and violence)
Warnings: Written in the style of a United State Tax Court opinion, as published by my company
Spoilers: All aired episodes, specifically for "Skin", "In My Time of Dying", and "Jus In Belo"
Characters: Sam, Dean, OLZ (Original Lawyer Zombies)
Disclaimer: The characters and basic premise within are property of Warner Bros, Eric Kripke, etc. No money is being made off this work of fiction.
Author's note: The blame for this fic resides solely on the shoulders of timjr, as it is the result of the following conversation in email:
Me: ". . . Wow, apparently today is the day of long winded Tax Court judges."
timjr: "I'm sorry? At least they're not trying to eat your brains?"
It should be noted that I am not a lawyer. I do not pretend to be a lawyer. I am just a girl who spends far too much time at her job formatting Court Opinions for publication. All errors in formatting and presentation are my own, and are strictly due to my amateur nature.
Summary: Commisioner of Internal Revenue, Supernatural Division, Plaintiff, v. Samuel and Dean Winchester, Defendants
COMMISSIONER OF INTERNAL REVENUE,
SUPERNATURAL DIVISION
Plaintiff
v.
SAMUEL and DEAN WINCHESTER*
Defendants
UNITED STATES SUPERNATURAL TAX COURT
DEAD CLAIMS DIVISION
April 16, 2008
PRECEDENTIAL
- Roy Tucker, Attorney, Dead Claims Division, Internal Revenue Service, of Washington, DC, for the plaintiff.
Milliard Rausch, Foster, Berman, & Givens, L.L.P. of Washington, DC for the defendants.
ROMERO, Special Trial Judge: The issue for decision is whether defendants defaulted on owed taxes under section 2405-79 of the Supernatural Tax Code, and whether or not defendants assume liability for taxes owed by their father, John Winchester, who was non-appearing in the court proceedings. Defendants maintain a lack of obligation due to clerical error.1
FINDINGS OF FACT
I. Dates and Locations of Death
On March 7, 2006, defendant Dean Winchester was pronounced dead on the scene in the home of Rebbecca Warren of St. Louis, MO, while under suspicion for several counts of murder and attempted murder. His body was removed to the St. Louis University Hospital for autopsy, where it was determined that the cause of death was a single silver bullet to the heart. The body remained unclaimed and as such was interred by the state at Oakdale Cemetery, where it remains undisturbed today.2
On November 4, 2006 at 10:41 AM, the defendants' father, John Winchester, was declared dead at Sioux Valley Hospital in Sioux Falls, SD. Official cause of death was heart failure; cause unknown. Speculation indicates that this was due to complications from injuries sustained when plaintiffs' car was struck by a tractor trailer. John Winchester was registered under the name "Elroy McGillicudy", and his body was released to plaintiffs under the names of "Silas" and "Alton McGillicudy".3 Current location and condition of Mr. Winchester remains unknown.
On February 21, 2008, both defendants were pronounced dead on the scene at the El Paso County Jail in Monument, CO, where they had been held pending transfer to a secure facility by the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Due to the severity of the explosion, no bodies could be recovered at the scene.4 Cause of death was speculated to be incineration.
Defendants argue that they do not owe taxes under section 2405-79 of the Supernatural Tax Code, due to the claim that they are not, in fact, deceased. When asked after the condition and location of their father, both declined to comment.5
II. Tax Status
A. Income Tax
John Winchester's last tax return filed listed his occupation as "Automobile Mechanic", and was filed FY1983. He and the defendants were listed as missing persons in January of 1984, at which point all official record of John Winchester's financial activity ceased.
Samuel Winchester filed a tax return as a student at Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA, in FY2003 and FY2004. After the death of Jessica L. Moore on November 3, 2005, Samuel Winchester took a leave of absence from schooling.6 He has not filed a return or re-enrolled since that time.
Dean Winchester has never filed a tax return. When asked what his occupation was, he responded "freelance badass". He declined to offer any indication of his yearly income.7
B. Supernatural Tax
All three Winchesters have been reputed to have involvement in the supernatural goings-on across the country since 1984. For a complete list of activities, please see Exhibit A.8
Defendants deny all knowledge of the Supernatural Tax Code. When asked to comment upon their activities for the last 24 years, Dean Winchester responded "You know about this [expletive deleted]?", "I cannot believe this [expletive deleted] you're trying to [expletive deleted]", and made a request for a silver stake. Samuel Winchester responded "Death and taxes. Aren't you taking that a little too literally?" and "they never covered this under pre-law."
OPINION
Section 2405-79 of the Dead Tax Code states that "all deceased individuals who have had an involvement in or affiliation with a supernatural body or entity are required pay 1/3 of their gray matter to Internal Revenue Service, Dead Claims Division". McDermott v. Commissioner, 197 S.T.C. 102 (1985), established that all unpaid taxes shall be penalized with a 100% interest rate per year, to be collected by the Commissioner upon court ruling. Under this ruling, the defendants would owe as follows:
Years deceasedTotal owed
(gray matter)John WinchesterFY2006, FY2007, FY2008100%
Dean WinchesterFY2006, FY2007, FY2008100%
Samuel WinchesterFY200833.33%
Total familial debt233.33%
Defendants rescinded request for an update in their status to "non-deceased" upon reminder that such an update would reopen the case against them with the Federal Bureau of Investigations, though Samuel Winchester argued "If [the court] know[s] that [the defendants] were involved in hunting the supernatural, how can [the court] charge [the defendants] with first degree murder?" He was referred to section 69(A) of the Supernatural Tax Code, colloquially known as the "monsters are people too" act, which gives supernatural entities equal rights under supernatural law. He rescinded his argument.
It is the opinion of this court that defendants Samuel and Dean Winchester, formerly of Lawrence, KS,9 are found guilty of Supernatural tax evasion, and hereby required to relinquish the full 233.33% of gray matter owed, immediately.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
G.A. ROMERO
Special Trial Judge
ADDENDUM TO THE MEMORANDUM
Defendants requested an immediate appeal of Judge Romero's decision in Commissioner v. Winchester, on the grounds that "[they] have guns, Latin, and an [expletive deleted]-load of other ammunition and [they] are not afraid to use them" and that the court officials were "all just a load of lawyer zombies". Dean Winchester also argued that he "eats zombie [expletive deleted]s like [the court] for breakfast, suckers".
The court finds in favor of this compelling argument, and Judge Romero has been removed from the bench. Attorneys Roy Tucker and Milliard Rausch have opted to retire to their grave beds. Defendants Samuel and Dean Winchester, and their father John Winchester, are hereby cleared of all debts under the Supernatural Tax Code, contingent upon their agreement to not forcibly retire the Commissioner.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
W.E. SEABROOK
Commissioner of Internal Revenue
Supernatural Division
FOOTNOTES
* Also arguing in absentia for John Winchester.
1 As defendant Dean Winchester succinctly put it: "We have heart beats, you [expletive deleted] bureaucratic morons"
2 As verified by Pvt. Miguel Salazar, April 12, 2008
3 The true identity of the "McGillicudy" family was discovered by Helen Cooper, the next door neighbor of the real Elroy McGillicudy, who was quite surprised to learn of his untimely demise.
4 Invalidation of this excuse for non-payment established in Russo v. Commissioner, 110, S.T.C. 96 (1968)
5 Though Dean Winchester politely -- but inappropriately -- offered to allow the court to perform acts of a sexual nature upon his non-existent dog.
6 See Stanford University enrollment, 2005-06.
7 Though he made a second offer, this time upon his car with a giraffe.
8 See also Exhibits B-QQQ.
9 Currently of "Anywhere, USA".
END OF FOOTNOTES
[Additonal author's note: All names and numbers cited in this fic are references to various zombie movies, nabbed via IMDb. Locations have been determined using the Supernatural Wikipedia and far too much time on Google. No zombies or lawyers were hurt during the writing of this fic.]