Wow!!
I can't believe how fast things change!! How one minute you feel one way - then another - wow. ;-)
I had a nice weekend. Friday Peter and his kids came over for pizza and hanging out - it was chill. Peter is a riot - and I love giving him a hard time. His kids are wonderful - and Billy enjoys them. Esp having little Peter running around here - they are both so full of energy one minute - then zoned into tv or video games the next.
Peter & I get along well, we always did. I've got to admit - I don't really know what to make of it.
---------->just got de ja vous. I had a dream that I wrote that entry before or something familiar about it. Had to do with Peter too - I'm buggin now - kinda like a weird feeling when you know that you know something - without knowing it. wtf?
Really, whoa... hmmm... wonder why that happens. I always think of The Matrix though - and her explanation. How trippy is that??
So we hung out Friday night - then Saturday Billy went off to camp for a day of apple picking and outside play. He came back in a great mood - Kerry is amazing with him and they are developing a tight relationship. I'm impressed by her - not many women are able to bond with my son, excluding Kylin. I think its the Mom in her - plus we are alot alike - and shes a teacher... and shes a genuinely wholesome person - kids are like animals - they pick up on that - before judgement gets tainted by bitterness and dissapointed (ew, that was discouraging).....
I ran around like mad - and then sat around doing nothing about all that I had to do - to get ready for the wedding. Had to tend to Joey's suit and make sure he was set - and pack up Billy - and make sure the place was spotless - I hate returning home to anything less than clean & cozy.
I think that I looked ok for the wedding. I felt really good until Adam told me about how when he told his friend we were finished that his friend said "Good, no more ugly girls. You don't want to deal with her and her kid..." etc... etc... What a horrible thing to hear when you have on a new dress, shoes, earings, necklace & bracelets... =( I felt like a p.o.s. for hours - fighting back tears & all welled up. My brother was appalled when I told him that - and I just chalked it up to someone calling it like they see it. I know I'm nothing to write home about - and I would never think I am pretty or anything - sometimes I think I look bad - but never really thought "ugly" until someone said that about me. =(
The ceremony was beautiful - could have done without the text msgs coming through but whatever. My brother was in rough shape and it broke my heart - thats how little control he has, and it tears me apart. Also - family all noticed and was asking me questions, none of which I would answer. So the questions are coming in, text msgs are blowing up my phone - worried about Billy, avoiding certain family members - all while feeling like the ugly duckling.
Food was good though - and the beer went down right quick.
My cuz's friend that I had a crush on 15 yrs ago had no idea who I was - then almost went into shock from disbelief when I introduced myself. Maybe because of how ugly I am.
So there was this really really attractive guy there - I wasn't checking him out - but it was hard not to notice. I didn't look at him or smile or anything because the last person he'd look at is me anyways - and I was doing that thing where I do my best to remain invisible. My cousin asked me if I "liked" any of his friends... then introduced me to one. Then when I was outside having a butt a woman I've never met came over to me and started talking up her friend - then a half hour later my cousin went out of his way to introduce me to someone - turns out all of this was about the same person - and he wanted to meet me. It was that really really attractive guy. I thought it was a really mean joke - because there would be no reason for this guy to even want to meet me. He didn't know me or anything about me - and its not like he is going to like what he sees or anything like that. I totally didn't get it. He was very nice, genuinely. We smoked a butt and he asked if I'd dance with him later. I figured he was just being nice because he felt bad for me. I went inside and was sitting with my aunts and uncles just kinda hanging out and he walked over to the table and asked me to dance. ??? He looked really shy too - must be weird to approach a table of people you've never met to ask someone you don't know to dance. I think maybe someone in my family felt bad or something that I seemed distracted (about my brother and my son) and maybe set this up. I went out with my cousin to smoke up in the car and we were gone way longer than we thought. When I went back in that woman that talked her friend up told me that he had been looking for me. When I saw him he said the same thing and asked if I would PROMISE to dance with him. Um, ok. ? How do you not say yes to that. ?? I went back to get a drink (think this was like # 10 including beer) to even out the highness... and he found me again and took my hand and walked me to the dance floor for a slow dance. Everyone was watching and giving nods of approval. I felt really weird - like something was going on - but it could have been the herb. When the song was over - he didn't let go of me - kissed me on the cheek and said "you are a sweet girl"....okay - now I know it was a sympathy dance... I think.
What I don't get is that when I was leaving he kept watching the door - came over to me and was like "I would really like to see you again"... and looked sincere.
I walked with him to his car and he drove me to my car and we said goodnight. I drove out of there confused.
I slept at the Jensens. Wanted to be close to Joey and closer to Billy than if I had driven home. I would wake up more than halfway to where I had to be to get him. Billy looked so cute and happy when I picked him up which is always a relief. I never feel right without him unless if my Mom has him. I worry when hes @ my Dads only if Diane is home - but my Dad alone is wonderful. Just don't ever want to cause stress for him or his marriage. I did enough of that growing up.
I want to go to XX to visit my Mom but I don't dare screw out of town anytime soon.
We went to KFC for lunch and chowed - then over to Kylin's to visit her and Gavin. It was a good time - I am so proud to call her my friend. She really is truly "good people"..... (Meffa saying).
Came in this afternoon - dealt with alot of Adam drama - I'm really done with that whole deal - he never does what he says and makes empty promises. I won't stand for insults - don't care how many thoughtful things surround them - give an inch - loose a mile. Funk that.
Cleaned the office tonight - went quickly - Billy was with me so I brought a video and he sat in the conference room & ate some nuggs, fries & chix sandwich. What a weekend for takeout. Pizza Slut Friday night - picnic for Billy Sat & wedding food for me - Billy had Mandys Pizza for dinner and then we ate KFC for lunch, snack @ Dunks - followed by McD's for dinner.
Peter wanted to take us to dinner with his kids at The Galley Hatch - but I just wanted down time with Billy - even if it meant we worked and ate fast food. We were home in bed in pjs @ an early enough time - and he was so charming - I feel bad I had Adam here so much - I missed out on the better part of the summer - time could have been better spent. I did nothing all summer - only time Billy and I had a blast "just the 2 of us" was when Adam was on vacation or camping. Thats wacked.
Talked to Mom a few times - really like that my relationship and bond with Auntie Nettie grows each time we see eachother. Dad's wife let loose - drank and smoked butts like a champ. Her son had a hissy fit over seating arrangements and left (hmm... wonder where he gets that attitude?).... Lil Carmine was mean to Joey b/c hes ignorant- which many kids are - but this one just has a mean streak in him. Hes told me I'm funny looking plenty of times and it always makes me sad - this time he told Joey he looked gross, skinny, bad skin - weird face, and too much hair - needs a haircut.... Horrible.
Billy is in bed - I'm tired from relentless Adam - and try so hard to not hurt his feelings - but I have gone from thinking it can work - to just wanting him to find someone else. He does that by pushing. Now I can understand where Joe was coming from all those years - except I'm not a raging lying drunken a-hole.
I've had this totally out of place smile on my face all day & have no idea where its coming from. Does that mean I'm going insane? =)~
I had a nice weekend. Friday Peter and his kids came over for pizza and hanging out - it was chill. Peter is a riot - and I love giving him a hard time. His kids are wonderful - and Billy enjoys them. Esp having little Peter running around here - they are both so full of energy one minute - then zoned into tv or video games the next.
Peter & I get along well, we always did. I've got to admit - I don't really know what to make of it.
---------->just got de ja vous. I had a dream that I wrote that entry before or something familiar about it. Had to do with Peter too - I'm buggin now - kinda like a weird feeling when you know that you know something - without knowing it. wtf?
Really, whoa... hmmm... wonder why that happens. I always think of The Matrix though - and her explanation. How trippy is that??
So we hung out Friday night - then Saturday Billy went off to camp for a day of apple picking and outside play. He came back in a great mood - Kerry is amazing with him and they are developing a tight relationship. I'm impressed by her - not many women are able to bond with my son, excluding Kylin. I think its the Mom in her - plus we are alot alike - and shes a teacher... and shes a genuinely wholesome person - kids are like animals - they pick up on that - before judgement gets tainted by bitterness and dissapointed (ew, that was discouraging).....
I ran around like mad - and then sat around doing nothing about all that I had to do - to get ready for the wedding. Had to tend to Joey's suit and make sure he was set - and pack up Billy - and make sure the place was spotless - I hate returning home to anything less than clean & cozy.
I think that I looked ok for the wedding. I felt really good until Adam told me about how when he told his friend we were finished that his friend said "Good, no more ugly girls. You don't want to deal with her and her kid..." etc... etc... What a horrible thing to hear when you have on a new dress, shoes, earings, necklace & bracelets... =( I felt like a p.o.s. for hours - fighting back tears & all welled up. My brother was appalled when I told him that - and I just chalked it up to someone calling it like they see it. I know I'm nothing to write home about - and I would never think I am pretty or anything - sometimes I think I look bad - but never really thought "ugly" until someone said that about me. =(
The ceremony was beautiful - could have done without the text msgs coming through but whatever. My brother was in rough shape and it broke my heart - thats how little control he has, and it tears me apart. Also - family all noticed and was asking me questions, none of which I would answer. So the questions are coming in, text msgs are blowing up my phone - worried about Billy, avoiding certain family members - all while feeling like the ugly duckling.
Food was good though - and the beer went down right quick.
My cuz's friend that I had a crush on 15 yrs ago had no idea who I was - then almost went into shock from disbelief when I introduced myself. Maybe because of how ugly I am.
So there was this really really attractive guy there - I wasn't checking him out - but it was hard not to notice. I didn't look at him or smile or anything because the last person he'd look at is me anyways - and I was doing that thing where I do my best to remain invisible. My cousin asked me if I "liked" any of his friends... then introduced me to one. Then when I was outside having a butt a woman I've never met came over to me and started talking up her friend - then a half hour later my cousin went out of his way to introduce me to someone - turns out all of this was about the same person - and he wanted to meet me. It was that really really attractive guy. I thought it was a really mean joke - because there would be no reason for this guy to even want to meet me. He didn't know me or anything about me - and its not like he is going to like what he sees or anything like that. I totally didn't get it. He was very nice, genuinely. We smoked a butt and he asked if I'd dance with him later. I figured he was just being nice because he felt bad for me. I went inside and was sitting with my aunts and uncles just kinda hanging out and he walked over to the table and asked me to dance. ??? He looked really shy too - must be weird to approach a table of people you've never met to ask someone you don't know to dance. I think maybe someone in my family felt bad or something that I seemed distracted (about my brother and my son) and maybe set this up. I went out with my cousin to smoke up in the car and we were gone way longer than we thought. When I went back in that woman that talked her friend up told me that he had been looking for me. When I saw him he said the same thing and asked if I would PROMISE to dance with him. Um, ok. ? How do you not say yes to that. ?? I went back to get a drink (think this was like # 10 including beer) to even out the highness... and he found me again and took my hand and walked me to the dance floor for a slow dance. Everyone was watching and giving nods of approval. I felt really weird - like something was going on - but it could have been the herb. When the song was over - he didn't let go of me - kissed me on the cheek and said "you are a sweet girl"....okay - now I know it was a sympathy dance... I think.
What I don't get is that when I was leaving he kept watching the door - came over to me and was like "I would really like to see you again"... and looked sincere.
I walked with him to his car and he drove me to my car and we said goodnight. I drove out of there confused.
I slept at the Jensens. Wanted to be close to Joey and closer to Billy than if I had driven home. I would wake up more than halfway to where I had to be to get him. Billy looked so cute and happy when I picked him up which is always a relief. I never feel right without him unless if my Mom has him. I worry when hes @ my Dads only if Diane is home - but my Dad alone is wonderful. Just don't ever want to cause stress for him or his marriage. I did enough of that growing up.
I want to go to XX to visit my Mom but I don't dare screw out of town anytime soon.
We went to KFC for lunch and chowed - then over to Kylin's to visit her and Gavin. It was a good time - I am so proud to call her my friend. She really is truly "good people"..... (Meffa saying).
Came in this afternoon - dealt with alot of Adam drama - I'm really done with that whole deal - he never does what he says and makes empty promises. I won't stand for insults - don't care how many thoughtful things surround them - give an inch - loose a mile. Funk that.
Cleaned the office tonight - went quickly - Billy was with me so I brought a video and he sat in the conference room & ate some nuggs, fries & chix sandwich. What a weekend for takeout. Pizza Slut Friday night - picnic for Billy Sat & wedding food for me - Billy had Mandys Pizza for dinner and then we ate KFC for lunch, snack @ Dunks - followed by McD's for dinner.
Peter wanted to take us to dinner with his kids at The Galley Hatch - but I just wanted down time with Billy - even if it meant we worked and ate fast food. We were home in bed in pjs @ an early enough time - and he was so charming - I feel bad I had Adam here so much - I missed out on the better part of the summer - time could have been better spent. I did nothing all summer - only time Billy and I had a blast "just the 2 of us" was when Adam was on vacation or camping. Thats wacked.
Talked to Mom a few times - really like that my relationship and bond with Auntie Nettie grows each time we see eachother. Dad's wife let loose - drank and smoked butts like a champ. Her son had a hissy fit over seating arrangements and left (hmm... wonder where he gets that attitude?).... Lil Carmine was mean to Joey b/c hes ignorant- which many kids are - but this one just has a mean streak in him. Hes told me I'm funny looking plenty of times and it always makes me sad - this time he told Joey he looked gross, skinny, bad skin - weird face, and too much hair - needs a haircut.... Horrible.
Billy is in bed - I'm tired from relentless Adam - and try so hard to not hurt his feelings - but I have gone from thinking it can work - to just wanting him to find someone else. He does that by pushing. Now I can understand where Joe was coming from all those years - except I'm not a raging lying drunken a-hole.
I've had this totally out of place smile on my face all day & have no idea where its coming from. Does that mean I'm going insane? =)~