blah
I've been thinking about it a lot.. and i'm not quite ready to let go of him yet. He won't devulge information that would show how much he does like me, even though I know its there... strong enough that even a completely pessimistic person as myself can pick up on it. Tonight we were supposed to sneak in some time after colorguard practice (they have a competition in a couple of weeks and part of the competition is fitness, AKA running, so i was going to go with them... and he has to go because he's the former commander, so he gives tips and what not) but then he calls me this morning... after i find out i can't get a rental... to see how i'm doing and to tell me he can't go to the practice tonight. I said thats fine and asked why he couldn't go... his grandfather died so he flew up to Prescott earlier today. I feel so bad.. we talked about his grandfather before.. he's been on the edge for a while, they've just been waiting reluctantly for this day to come. I wrote him an email explaining why i wouldn't call this weekend, because i don't want to disturb him, and etc. Hopefully he won't touch his computer until he comes back down.
But no.. i can't let the idea of him and I go. I was talking to my friend last night about her "boyfriend".. and he's a typical asshole. The sad part is, any guy i've ever dated or gotten close to dating has been a mirror image of her guy. And she puts up with it. because thats all there really is out there. Now, the boy, who i will now release the name of Jonathan...... he's amazing. I've never met a single person who is as incredible as he is. He's kind, honest, intelligent, caring, mature, and going somewhere with his life. He knows what he wants. & I know he wants me.. he just won't allow himself.
I'm content being single. truly. I rather be single than be in a relationship, for a long time. Its slightly better now that he's delayed it. Jonathan and I became something out of the blue, i swore off relationships for a good year or two for a good reason. I just got out of a terrible one in July. Its just.. grr. I'm never completely satisfied? i want all that can be... and yeah it kinda gets to me, but i think i can live with it.
I found out he doesn't like chocolate yesterday. how weird can he get.
As for the car, theres a pretty good chance its totaled. We spoke to three different insurance representatives and my dad, who is a mechanic. Just by the description we gave, they all said its easier to claim it totaled, because to fix it will average a cost more than the valued worth of my car. My dad's neighbor out in LA has a grand cherokee for sale... so i might end up with that, which i'm grateful for. My classes right now are 40 miles away, i can't live without driving myself places. I can't get a rental, as i said earlier.. so either i learn how to drive my stepdad's jetta, which is a stick shift, and borrow that for a while... or i'm screwed.
Oh, I got a job. Finally. Seasonal job at toys r us. If i do well they'll keep me on staff.. but if people have to drive me places, no way. i'll be fired in a week. Anyone who can drive me, they have this way of always being late. Everywhere. I can't handle it.
I neeed a carrrrrr......
I had application problems apparently at the ASU main campus. So i'm not guaranteed housing for next semester in Tempe. If not, i'm going to request placement at the polytechnic campus up in Mesa. I'll be close to CAP and jonathan and everyone else up there. the AFROTC has a detachment up there, so it'll be fine... i'll have to move to tempe in a year or so for my major, but i'm getting an apartment with Nicole anyway. But right now, I need a dorm. And at the polytechnic i'll have parking... in tempe i'd have to park a minimum mile away from my building.
Here are some pictures of me... i thought i should put a face to this obnoxious complaining.
from july
when i tried going dark... september
like early early this year. jan-feb
going back to blonde from dark, late september
late september
me and my friend
