bird
@ work, i try to spend lunch-breaks outside. Natural light / fresh air is an instant fix to a monotonous workday. Sometimes i'll take a nap (what am i 80?). Sometimes i read. Sometimes my mind won't shut off... especially when i really want it to. Sometimes prayer works. Sometimes i can't even think of the words to begin or keep going or end with to God.
There are days, i'll lay back the passenger seat in my car and look up to the sky and hope for birds to watch fly around. Not like a weird bird-lady fascination or off-kilter, whacked Hitchcock adrenaline kick. When i've had a particularly frustrating day with a million troubling thoughts running on marquee, watching birds gliding around the sky shuts me up. They look peaceful and happy and a mountain mile above all ...this. i imagine their perspective is a beautiful one and if birds have thoughts they'd think, i'm. a. bird. i. have. wings. whoa-man. this is great wind. And that's it. Well, aside from a multitude of incomprehensible words, comparable to sounds heard on roller-coasters.
Reminds me of running ...when i've hit a stride or that numb peaceful feeling that immediately proceeds a run i never thought i'd get through. After about three miles, i'm just a girl with two legs and two feet and completely content to just... be. i wish i could carry around that feeling, always. i wish i was a little less aware. The more i'm aware of expectations over me, the more i retreat. i don't know if that's right or wrong or if it just ..is. The higher the expectation, the more of a failure i inevitably become. Human beings (my own flesh & blood included) know so little about the practice of grace with one another or for some, with themselves.
Today was just... hard. After work, i went to a park to just sit and try to hash it out with God. i literally drove out of lingering storm and where i parked, there was an intense dark grey-blue sky to my left and broken clouds revealing pure sky and those golden hues signifying the end of a day. i just felt broke. After about a half hour maybe, i realized i was facing the left. Now i could make some simple metaphor for all this and just say that i need to fix my focus; that remarkably lovely things are happening right next to me and i'm stubbornly facing the storm. And for the record, i did think it. After the auto-metaphor part of my brain kicked in, that switch was abruptly flicked off and i asked God why. Why make such beautiful things with the potential for such awful things at the same time? When i write "things", what i mean is "people".
Logically, i know there are some questions no one can really truthfully answer. And this isn't about getting stuck in feeling this. It's just honesty. Sometimes from a purely emotional place, my guts cry out why.
thankfully, i don't end there.
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
(switchfoot ~always)
There are days, i'll lay back the passenger seat in my car and look up to the sky and hope for birds to watch fly around. Not like a weird bird-lady fascination or off-kilter, whacked Hitchcock adrenaline kick. When i've had a particularly frustrating day with a million troubling thoughts running on marquee, watching birds gliding around the sky shuts me up. They look peaceful and happy and a mountain mile above all ...this. i imagine their perspective is a beautiful one and if birds have thoughts they'd think, i'm. a. bird. i. have. wings. whoa-man. this is great wind. And that's it. Well, aside from a multitude of incomprehensible words, comparable to sounds heard on roller-coasters.
Reminds me of running ...when i've hit a stride or that numb peaceful feeling that immediately proceeds a run i never thought i'd get through. After about three miles, i'm just a girl with two legs and two feet and completely content to just... be. i wish i could carry around that feeling, always. i wish i was a little less aware. The more i'm aware of expectations over me, the more i retreat. i don't know if that's right or wrong or if it just ..is. The higher the expectation, the more of a failure i inevitably become. Human beings (my own flesh & blood included) know so little about the practice of grace with one another or for some, with themselves.
Today was just... hard. After work, i went to a park to just sit and try to hash it out with God. i literally drove out of lingering storm and where i parked, there was an intense dark grey-blue sky to my left and broken clouds revealing pure sky and those golden hues signifying the end of a day. i just felt broke. After about a half hour maybe, i realized i was facing the left. Now i could make some simple metaphor for all this and just say that i need to fix my focus; that remarkably lovely things are happening right next to me and i'm stubbornly facing the storm. And for the record, i did think it. After the auto-metaphor part of my brain kicked in, that switch was abruptly flicked off and i asked God why. Why make such beautiful things with the potential for such awful things at the same time? When i write "things", what i mean is "people".
Logically, i know there are some questions no one can really truthfully answer. And this isn't about getting stuck in feeling this. It's just honesty. Sometimes from a purely emotional place, my guts cry out why.
thankfully, i don't end there.
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
(switchfoot ~always)