A Thought
I finally admitted to myself the reason why I write less and less. I guess it's a pretty obvious answer but I just haven't really felt like anything significant has happened to me in a long time. At the end of every day I realize that nothing has happened that I really want to think about again. That sounds pretty depressing but in at least one aspect of my life it's been a good thing. If you look back on 1599420455% of my entries, I ruminate over men issues oveeeeeeeer and overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was (still am) boy crazy and I fueled my addiction by writing about it constantly. Well there's nothing like a serious (still very emotional) but otherwise boring relationship to quell the excitement in the boy department. The serious things that do happen seem too personal to even write down (even to myself) and everything else seems profoundly boring. Anyway I think that having a boyfriend helped me to stop feeling so fractured when it comes to what I want out of a partner. I've definitely become more discerning about what I want and need from a relationship. Instead of feeling like I want ten billion disparate things I've now narrowed down my qualifications to two disparate things (the fact that I think the two things I am about to mention are mutually exclusive does call into question my belief in true love but I digress) - mental and physical stimulation, in particular 1000% of both simultaneously. It's not enough to just think that my partner is attractive, sexy, smart, beautiful, generous blah blah the perfect man) I need my partner TO BE THE PERFECT MAN in a rather clinical and objective way, which I guess is kind of sad but that's who I am. I should modify the statement to say I want a person who is THE PERFECT MAN FOR ME but I won't because I want my partner to be the perfect man for everyone but to only want me. HOW EGOTISTICAL. Anyway now that I've realized those things, I don't think I'm necessarily any closer to obtaining this but I still think it's important. Oh well, I just hope that my refusal to write about my life these days doesn't mean that I'm dying inside.