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My life is a box I can let few people into.
He was one of those people I could let in.
Someone with whom I could relate. Millions on the planet... and this friend could have been my forever.
And I am looking at myself in the mirror feeling the tears well up and they won't fall. It cannot. I feel like I can sense the metal coming over me.. the protective coccoon that I have previously let slip aside. My face no longer animated with my emotion, a stoic and set mask. The metal enveloping me to the fingertips, spilling down my throat, hardening my breast.
The tears evaporate and dissipate back into that cloud that follows me everywhere. He calls me everyday.
Why?
It no longer matters.
I wish I could make my heart metal. I wish I were as heavy and resolved as lead. Unmovable. I wish I were indestructable. I want to be hard to the core. I don't want to *feel* anything anymore. I want to produce and do, And just be. I want to function like a well oiled machine. I don't want to feel. I want no deviations, no hope no loss. I schedule and order and no indulgence. No extremes, no fluctuation no exceptions. I want to seal myself up in this coccoon and kill my emotions brutally.
Everytime I feel... it is a betrayal to logic and a betrayal to progress.
It is useless to feel as much as I do and as often as I do. For me feeling is a Sin against my life.
Emotion is an indulgence I can no longer afford.
~Liv
He was one of those people I could let in.
Someone with whom I could relate. Millions on the planet... and this friend could have been my forever.
And I am looking at myself in the mirror feeling the tears well up and they won't fall. It cannot. I feel like I can sense the metal coming over me.. the protective coccoon that I have previously let slip aside. My face no longer animated with my emotion, a stoic and set mask. The metal enveloping me to the fingertips, spilling down my throat, hardening my breast.
The tears evaporate and dissipate back into that cloud that follows me everywhere. He calls me everyday.
Why?
It no longer matters.
I wish I could make my heart metal. I wish I were as heavy and resolved as lead. Unmovable. I wish I were indestructable. I want to be hard to the core. I don't want to *feel* anything anymore. I want to produce and do, And just be. I want to function like a well oiled machine. I don't want to feel. I want no deviations, no hope no loss. I schedule and order and no indulgence. No extremes, no fluctuation no exceptions. I want to seal myself up in this coccoon and kill my emotions brutally.
Everytime I feel... it is a betrayal to logic and a betrayal to progress.
It is useless to feel as much as I do and as often as I do. For me feeling is a Sin against my life.
Emotion is an indulgence I can no longer afford.
~Liv