It snapped for me, I believe
I was watching a show about heroin addicts- who stayed clean, some failed and relapsed periodically, some went to jail... others began to steal. They had a camp and rehab for them... for them to overcome thier addiction: Court mandated even. I am fat. My drug is food... I relapse. No one will arrest me for overeating. No one will tell me that if I dont stop I will die. No positive affirmations no camp for it, no rehab.
I refuse to allow my whims to carry me further down the fat path. If I am a sucker to every whim I have... the only difference between me and a heroin addict is that no one offered it to me yet. I cannot be that weak. I have to talk myself down off the ledge and change things.
Why is this different from all of my other revelations?
Well because something clicked. The whim is not me... the whim is suggestion lingering in my mind... like whispers *oooh. Pistachio ice cream* there is the suggestion. Then I crave sweet and I buy the ice cream. It makes me physically sick (fatter... and more immeidately- I am lactose intollerant. It makes me thirst and it makes me upset that I have failed again). So I eat the ice cream cause my whim says it would taste good regardless of hunger, or nutritional value.
When did *it tastes good* become God? Compulsion? My marriage to food must end. It will. I am the pilot of this Land Boat, and it ain't gonna stop till I can fight myself on the whim. Not who I am today.. not hate my fat and lethargy... but fight the whim... and let that be the victory.. not ponds lost. If I can learn to fight that whim.. and not let it lead me by my nose down a path, then I can lose weight because the muscle that is my will has then been exercised.
Goals:
1. Control my Whim. I mean really excersize the pimp hand with it. **Oooooh Ice Cream****Shut the fuck up, you just had a sammich** SMACK!
2. Once whim is under control, then worry about the nutritional content of what I eat.
3. After Getting Whim and content under control, Observe and modify portion to the most satisfying/ serving options availible.
4. Add time and attention on other things beside vanity and men, and I am sure I will get where I would like to be physically without obsession.
5. This may become a food diary as well... as I have to cobat what develops the whim... so if anyone actually reads this... bear with me.
To my knowledge I am 365lbs--- NO>... I am Liv. I weigh 365lbs. I wish to be 215lbs----NO to Weigh 215lbs. (toned and muscular) it is a long way to go but not impossible. And this is the last time I will mention my weight. I am not my weight. Not anymore than I am my hair or toenails. It is a unit of measure, not a measure of personality or character.
That is all for now. Off to read the DiVinci Code~!
~Liv
I refuse to allow my whims to carry me further down the fat path. If I am a sucker to every whim I have... the only difference between me and a heroin addict is that no one offered it to me yet. I cannot be that weak. I have to talk myself down off the ledge and change things.
Why is this different from all of my other revelations?
Well because something clicked. The whim is not me... the whim is suggestion lingering in my mind... like whispers *oooh. Pistachio ice cream* there is the suggestion. Then I crave sweet and I buy the ice cream. It makes me physically sick (fatter... and more immeidately- I am lactose intollerant. It makes me thirst and it makes me upset that I have failed again). So I eat the ice cream cause my whim says it would taste good regardless of hunger, or nutritional value.
When did *it tastes good* become God? Compulsion? My marriage to food must end. It will. I am the pilot of this Land Boat, and it ain't gonna stop till I can fight myself on the whim. Not who I am today.. not hate my fat and lethargy... but fight the whim... and let that be the victory.. not ponds lost. If I can learn to fight that whim.. and not let it lead me by my nose down a path, then I can lose weight because the muscle that is my will has then been exercised.
Goals:
1. Control my Whim. I mean really excersize the pimp hand with it. **Oooooh Ice Cream****Shut the fuck up, you just had a sammich** SMACK!
2. Once whim is under control, then worry about the nutritional content of what I eat.
3. After Getting Whim and content under control, Observe and modify portion to the most satisfying/ serving options availible.
4. Add time and attention on other things beside vanity and men, and I am sure I will get where I would like to be physically without obsession.
5. This may become a food diary as well... as I have to cobat what develops the whim... so if anyone actually reads this... bear with me.
To my knowledge I am 365lbs--- NO>... I am Liv. I weigh 365lbs. I wish to be 215lbs----NO to Weigh 215lbs. (toned and muscular) it is a long way to go but not impossible. And this is the last time I will mention my weight. I am not my weight. Not anymore than I am my hair or toenails. It is a unit of measure, not a measure of personality or character.
That is all for now. Off to read the DiVinci Code~!
~Liv