little known fact...i am crip walking right now
theres alex fava for you
i wish that i could make everyone happy at all times. i wish that i could be what everyone wants. i wish that i didnt hurt people and that i knew just what to say and when to say it and how to be what people want to see in me. but in trying to do so i have created messes and wound myself up. i am spread out so thin and im breaking. i need to be able to be my own self and do what i want to make myself happy but i cant. i feel like it would inconvienience people or hurt them or make them angry. i cant stand seeing people upset. but iv tried everything and i cant handle everything that i have loaded myself up with. i cant handle two jobs and i cant handle two plays. i cant handle volunteering and working alternate afternoons and running from here to there and from this meeting for this organization to that meeting for that organization. i cant handle not being what he wants and i cant handle him not being what i want. i wish i was perfect sometimes but im not. i cant be. i cant be what you want. i cant be everything. im too nice and its having an effect on my happiness. i let ellen have nights off when i truly need them and by the end of my weekend i am strung out. my life is like a tornado right now and cant quite reach everything in order to stop it from flying out of control. i need to get a hold of myself. im truly sorry. i hope you know who you are.
..........
drama class today was really a good time. for the first time in my life i was able to make myself cry. thats a real accomplishment. i cry all the time about everything and nothing but never have i been able to command myself to cry on the spot with people watching me. during my interview in murder's (i dont know how many of you went to see that play) i was supposed to be crying but i COULD NOT do it and it was a real struggle and didnt end up the way i had wanted it to come out. but we were sitting in the circle in class and we were going around and had to mime corinne's attitudes and facial expressions and she was sad and i just did it and i teared up and everything. i was really proud of myself.
today im going to the gym, tanning, and then i have my fair lady rehursal from 6-9. we are blocking tonight so ill have probably two of those hours to myself and i can get some work done. i hate blocking.
alright im outa here
<3Ananda
i wish that i could make everyone happy at all times. i wish that i could be what everyone wants. i wish that i didnt hurt people and that i knew just what to say and when to say it and how to be what people want to see in me. but in trying to do so i have created messes and wound myself up. i am spread out so thin and im breaking. i need to be able to be my own self and do what i want to make myself happy but i cant. i feel like it would inconvienience people or hurt them or make them angry. i cant stand seeing people upset. but iv tried everything and i cant handle everything that i have loaded myself up with. i cant handle two jobs and i cant handle two plays. i cant handle volunteering and working alternate afternoons and running from here to there and from this meeting for this organization to that meeting for that organization. i cant handle not being what he wants and i cant handle him not being what i want. i wish i was perfect sometimes but im not. i cant be. i cant be what you want. i cant be everything. im too nice and its having an effect on my happiness. i let ellen have nights off when i truly need them and by the end of my weekend i am strung out. my life is like a tornado right now and cant quite reach everything in order to stop it from flying out of control. i need to get a hold of myself. im truly sorry. i hope you know who you are.
..........
drama class today was really a good time. for the first time in my life i was able to make myself cry. thats a real accomplishment. i cry all the time about everything and nothing but never have i been able to command myself to cry on the spot with people watching me. during my interview in murder's (i dont know how many of you went to see that play) i was supposed to be crying but i COULD NOT do it and it was a real struggle and didnt end up the way i had wanted it to come out. but we were sitting in the circle in class and we were going around and had to mime corinne's attitudes and facial expressions and she was sad and i just did it and i teared up and everything. i was really proud of myself.
today im going to the gym, tanning, and then i have my fair lady rehursal from 6-9. we are blocking tonight so ill have probably two of those hours to myself and i can get some work done. i hate blocking.
alright im outa here
<3Ananda