Work
*This is a truncated version of a private entry
I want to write something about work. Let me preface this by acknowledging that I like the work I do and I like having work. I like feeling productive and useful. Also, intellectually, I know it could be much worse. It could, for example, be as bad as my first job - and it definitely isn't. Not by a long shot.
But then yesterday, something happened. The essence of it is that someone told on me. They went behind my back, to the director of communications, to get me into trouble. Not, in fact, that I've actually done anything wrong. The claim (apparently, although I do wonder if it was "playing on the computer", which would make a little more sense, but would be almost as inaccurate) is that I've "been seen playing computer games in the office". That is categorically untrue. The only thing that comes even close is that I might do the Guardian crossword sometimes.
In itself, the accusation, however unfounded, isn't that bad. It's pretty trivial. But it's what it represents that's really upset me. It means, as I've said, that someone has gone behind my back. They didn't come to me to tell me they thought I was doing something wrong. They went straight to my boss's boss's boss. What's more, I have no idea who it was, which means I now feel like I constantly have to watch my back.
Now I'm faced with the possibility that either a) someone has been watching me, misinterpreted what they saw and then tattled or b) they totally made it up and then tattled. The latter is obviously worse, and far less likely, but the former isn't great. Either way, it means there's someone in the office who is prepared to try to drop me in it without so much as a hint to me.
The implication of the accusation itself, meanwhile, is that I don't take my job seriously and that I shirk my duties in favour of mucking about. The reality is I often have a lot of time waiting for things because sign-off takes time and I get bored so I might do the crossword or read an article about shoes or something. But I never do that if I have other things I could/should be doing and it never interferes with deadlines or otherwise doing my job. I also come in early and finish late to make sure things get done. And more often than not, I actually work at lunchtime and then take a break a bit later on, which is, as far as I know, fine. But from what I can see, this person didn't consider any of that.
Luckily, my line manager, who told me about all this, acknowledged that. But it means either someone really does think otherwise, or at least, they want my boss to think otherwise. And even if they do really think that, why do they care how I manage my time? And shouldn't they still have the courtesy to come to me and check the facts first?
This all leads to the next problem: all this is now stuck in my head. What could I have done that could've been misread as playing games? Even if I had done something, why didn't they come to me? Who was it? Could it have been IT? But then why wouldn't a warning or a flag come to me from them? Why go to the director of communications? Was it someone senior? Do they really think that little of me? Do I really not deserve the common decency of giving me a heads up? Was it someone junior? What were they trying to achieve? Why did they think it was their responsibility, or any of their business? Could they, in fact, have just totally made it up? If so, who? What did I ever do to them? And on and on.
I could have swallowed it much more easily if someone had said I send too many emails or pester too much about deadlines. That, I would admit. But this - this just feels so personal.
I am at least relieved to know it won't affect my appraisal and that my direct superiors know I do my job and do it well. But it still means there's someone in the office who would do this, whatever the reason. And that is extremely upsetting.
I want to write something about work. Let me preface this by acknowledging that I like the work I do and I like having work. I like feeling productive and useful. Also, intellectually, I know it could be much worse. It could, for example, be as bad as my first job - and it definitely isn't. Not by a long shot.
But then yesterday, something happened. The essence of it is that someone told on me. They went behind my back, to the director of communications, to get me into trouble. Not, in fact, that I've actually done anything wrong. The claim (apparently, although I do wonder if it was "playing on the computer", which would make a little more sense, but would be almost as inaccurate) is that I've "been seen playing computer games in the office". That is categorically untrue. The only thing that comes even close is that I might do the Guardian crossword sometimes.
In itself, the accusation, however unfounded, isn't that bad. It's pretty trivial. But it's what it represents that's really upset me. It means, as I've said, that someone has gone behind my back. They didn't come to me to tell me they thought I was doing something wrong. They went straight to my boss's boss's boss. What's more, I have no idea who it was, which means I now feel like I constantly have to watch my back.
Now I'm faced with the possibility that either a) someone has been watching me, misinterpreted what they saw and then tattled or b) they totally made it up and then tattled. The latter is obviously worse, and far less likely, but the former isn't great. Either way, it means there's someone in the office who is prepared to try to drop me in it without so much as a hint to me.
The implication of the accusation itself, meanwhile, is that I don't take my job seriously and that I shirk my duties in favour of mucking about. The reality is I often have a lot of time waiting for things because sign-off takes time and I get bored so I might do the crossword or read an article about shoes or something. But I never do that if I have other things I could/should be doing and it never interferes with deadlines or otherwise doing my job. I also come in early and finish late to make sure things get done. And more often than not, I actually work at lunchtime and then take a break a bit later on, which is, as far as I know, fine. But from what I can see, this person didn't consider any of that.
Luckily, my line manager, who told me about all this, acknowledged that. But it means either someone really does think otherwise, or at least, they want my boss to think otherwise. And even if they do really think that, why do they care how I manage my time? And shouldn't they still have the courtesy to come to me and check the facts first?
This all leads to the next problem: all this is now stuck in my head. What could I have done that could've been misread as playing games? Even if I had done something, why didn't they come to me? Who was it? Could it have been IT? But then why wouldn't a warning or a flag come to me from them? Why go to the director of communications? Was it someone senior? Do they really think that little of me? Do I really not deserve the common decency of giving me a heads up? Was it someone junior? What were they trying to achieve? Why did they think it was their responsibility, or any of their business? Could they, in fact, have just totally made it up? If so, who? What did I ever do to them? And on and on.
I could have swallowed it much more easily if someone had said I send too many emails or pester too much about deadlines. That, I would admit. But this - this just feels so personal.
I am at least relieved to know it won't affect my appraisal and that my direct superiors know I do my job and do it well. But it still means there's someone in the office who would do this, whatever the reason. And that is extremely upsetting.