(no subject)
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
My life is falling into pieces around me, and I don't know what to do anymore.
On June 29th, my brother-in-law Tyler was driving at 3:30am. He lost control of the car and sent it airborne into a tree. He's alive and he'll be fine eventually, but he's beat up very badly. He crushed his nose, ankle, broke his femur,pelvis and 3 ribs and lacerated his liver and spleen. He'll be in the hospital for 3-4 more weeks before my in-laws can take him to San Antonio for him to recover at home.
On July 8th, while Munchkin and I were visiting my parents in VA, they informed us that my mother has a malignant tumor in her left breast. It's spreading. She's scheduled for surgery on the 18th, but they won't know until they start if they can just remove the tumor or if they have to do a full masectomy. Also, since her cancer is both estrogen and progesterone-responsive (both feed it) she has to have her ovaries removed at the same time. Then she gets to start her radiation treatments. If her bloodwork comes back as positive for the mutated cancer gene, then she gets to do chemo as well. She refuses to let me stay with her to help. Luckily, my dad was able to get out of being deployed for a year, but he still has to work. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm angry. My mother is also all of those things. She broke down in front of me the day before I left. My mother never breaks down in front of us. Ever.
On July 10, Ryan's camp was shelled. The bastards bombed his camp. He's safe, and no one was killed. I know he's in a warzone. I knew there was a risk. But I really, truly thought Afghanistan was safer than Iraq. I really believed that the fighting was remote and he'd be removed from it. Stupid, I know. Apparently, more guys are being killed there than in Iraq. Every day. My husband has to see wounded and maimed compatriots being brought in every day . His flight briefing room is also apparently right next to where the C-17s that take the bodies back home are. Again, he has to see guys going home in boxes every day . Yes, the guys being killed are infantry. Yes, my husband is a pilot so he's a lot safer. It doesn't matter. I naively believed that he was sheltered from the worst of it. That the man I love wouldn't have to deal with the psychological burden of seeing that. But he does. Every day. I don't know how he deals. I don't know if he'll come back the same as he left. I'm terrified for him.
And I'm doing this alone. The three people I rely on the most for comfort, venting and support can't help me. My mother-in-law is dealing with her son being seriously injured. My mother just found out she has cancer. My husband has been gone for 4 months and isn't coming home for another 2 at the least. I'm not close with the other wives in the squadron...they're all much older than I am. My closest friend here just moved to Japan. My other closest friend's husband just got home from a different deployment, so she's busy. Everyone else has lives of their own to tend to.
I'm here, on my own, trying to care for Muchkin, keep the house in order, work, teach, keep things ready for Ryan, be strong for my mother and my husband, and generally keep it all together.
Most of all, I miss Ryan. I miss the companionship, I miss the affection. I miss just being able to get a hug when I need one. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. Especially now, when I could really use a good cry and a nice big hug.
I know that I knew what I was getting into when I married a Navy man. I knew about the moving, the separating, the uncertainty.I signed up willingly, and I'd do it again.
But, God, it's hard.
My life is falling into pieces around me, and I don't know what to do anymore.
On June 29th, my brother-in-law Tyler was driving at 3:30am. He lost control of the car and sent it airborne into a tree. He's alive and he'll be fine eventually, but he's beat up very badly. He crushed his nose, ankle, broke his femur,pelvis and 3 ribs and lacerated his liver and spleen. He'll be in the hospital for 3-4 more weeks before my in-laws can take him to San Antonio for him to recover at home.
On July 8th, while Munchkin and I were visiting my parents in VA, they informed us that my mother has a malignant tumor in her left breast. It's spreading. She's scheduled for surgery on the 18th, but they won't know until they start if they can just remove the tumor or if they have to do a full masectomy. Also, since her cancer is both estrogen and progesterone-responsive (both feed it) she has to have her ovaries removed at the same time. Then she gets to start her radiation treatments. If her bloodwork comes back as positive for the mutated cancer gene, then she gets to do chemo as well. She refuses to let me stay with her to help. Luckily, my dad was able to get out of being deployed for a year, but he still has to work. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm angry. My mother is also all of those things. She broke down in front of me the day before I left. My mother never breaks down in front of us. Ever.
On July 10, Ryan's camp was shelled. The bastards bombed his camp. He's safe, and no one was killed. I know he's in a warzone. I knew there was a risk. But I really, truly thought Afghanistan was safer than Iraq. I really believed that the fighting was remote and he'd be removed from it. Stupid, I know. Apparently, more guys are being killed there than in Iraq. Every day. My husband has to see wounded and maimed compatriots being brought in every day . His flight briefing room is also apparently right next to where the C-17s that take the bodies back home are. Again, he has to see guys going home in boxes every day . Yes, the guys being killed are infantry. Yes, my husband is a pilot so he's a lot safer. It doesn't matter. I naively believed that he was sheltered from the worst of it. That the man I love wouldn't have to deal with the psychological burden of seeing that. But he does. Every day. I don't know how he deals. I don't know if he'll come back the same as he left. I'm terrified for him.
And I'm doing this alone. The three people I rely on the most for comfort, venting and support can't help me. My mother-in-law is dealing with her son being seriously injured. My mother just found out she has cancer. My husband has been gone for 4 months and isn't coming home for another 2 at the least. I'm not close with the other wives in the squadron...they're all much older than I am. My closest friend here just moved to Japan. My other closest friend's husband just got home from a different deployment, so she's busy. Everyone else has lives of their own to tend to.
I'm here, on my own, trying to care for Muchkin, keep the house in order, work, teach, keep things ready for Ryan, be strong for my mother and my husband, and generally keep it all together.
Most of all, I miss Ryan. I miss the companionship, I miss the affection. I miss just being able to get a hug when I need one. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. Especially now, when I could really use a good cry and a nice big hug.
I know that I knew what I was getting into when I married a Navy man. I knew about the moving, the separating, the uncertainty.I signed up willingly, and I'd do it again.
But, God, it's hard.