Can't sleep tonight....
I miss Carson so much I feel like a piece of me is missing.
I hate feeling that way, like such an incomplete person. I am incomplete in so many ways that are my own fault, and yet I feel it most when I lose the person with whom I've shared a deep and personal love.
He has a chance to be happy. There was such a low probability of any kind of opportunity opening itself to him. He could have everything he wants right now. I keep telling myself the reason he hasn't taken it yet is because he's scared, comfortable in his life here, intent on being miserable, etc.
The truth is he hasn't gone yet because leaving me is a decision that is literally eating away at him.
I never wanted to say or write that because it sounds so immensely vain. Still, he told me this to my face! I asked him what was keeping him here and told him he wasn't allowed to say me. All he could do was kinda grin sheepishly and shrug his shoulders (and that's not within his character to do). I yelled, "NO!!!!" and he laughed and said "WHAT?!" as I threw my hands back and collapsed on the bed. I told him I COULDN'T be the only thing keeping here because that meant there was no reasonable explanation as to why he should stay. I told him that of course I want him to be near me, but if such a fabulous opportunity arises he would be nuts to pass it up.
That was back in July.
I offered to go with him. Not right away. I thought it right away, but needed time to think. In August, I told him I was open to going with him. I was so intent on going, but I think that it's not part of the deal. There's something shady about the move that he's not telling me. It could just be that the house is not suitable for me. It could be that the man lending him the house is not too interested in Carson shacking up with a chick he doesn't know in the house he's basically GIVING him for a year. (wow, run-on sentence).
He has been checking in with me via text periodically. I know he's been scrambling for money in preparation for the move and so has been working a LOT. We haven't seen each other and I know a part of that is because he knows he has to make this decision. Seeing me will make it harder for him to decide to go. I know him well enough to interpret his actions. He knows me well enough to send me signs so I can put two and two together without him having to tell me. Between the texts, the avoidance of seeing one another in person, and his newfound expression through facebook status messages, I get it.
I want him to go.
I haven't been seeing him lately and although I do miss him like crazy, I know I have to move on with my life. I have my own things to handle. If we were meant to be, we'll be. That's the point I got to with Brian too. It's sad, because when you truly love someone like I love Brian and Carson, they take a piece of you with them. You don't believe you'll find a love like that again and you miss them as an individual, and a friend so much. I miss having Brian in my life. I miss every smile and devious look that washed over that boy's face. I already miss having Carson in my life. I will miss the conversations, intimacy, trust, etc. that we had between us.
I STILL miss and love Brian, so I know that I'll always miss and love Carson when he goes. However, if I never moved on from Brian I never would have had what I did with Carson. I wouldn't trade my time with Carson for anything.
I do believe in fate. If I am meant to be with either of those men I've been so intensely in love with then at some point our paths will cross again, the timing will be right, and it will happen. Otherwise I will meet someone else and fall just as deeply as I did for the first two, if not more.
Either that or I will end up 35, alone, and get a few more cats....
I hate feeling that way, like such an incomplete person. I am incomplete in so many ways that are my own fault, and yet I feel it most when I lose the person with whom I've shared a deep and personal love.
He has a chance to be happy. There was such a low probability of any kind of opportunity opening itself to him. He could have everything he wants right now. I keep telling myself the reason he hasn't taken it yet is because he's scared, comfortable in his life here, intent on being miserable, etc.
The truth is he hasn't gone yet because leaving me is a decision that is literally eating away at him.
I never wanted to say or write that because it sounds so immensely vain. Still, he told me this to my face! I asked him what was keeping him here and told him he wasn't allowed to say me. All he could do was kinda grin sheepishly and shrug his shoulders (and that's not within his character to do). I yelled, "NO!!!!" and he laughed and said "WHAT?!" as I threw my hands back and collapsed on the bed. I told him I COULDN'T be the only thing keeping here because that meant there was no reasonable explanation as to why he should stay. I told him that of course I want him to be near me, but if such a fabulous opportunity arises he would be nuts to pass it up.
That was back in July.
I offered to go with him. Not right away. I thought it right away, but needed time to think. In August, I told him I was open to going with him. I was so intent on going, but I think that it's not part of the deal. There's something shady about the move that he's not telling me. It could just be that the house is not suitable for me. It could be that the man lending him the house is not too interested in Carson shacking up with a chick he doesn't know in the house he's basically GIVING him for a year. (wow, run-on sentence).
He has been checking in with me via text periodically. I know he's been scrambling for money in preparation for the move and so has been working a LOT. We haven't seen each other and I know a part of that is because he knows he has to make this decision. Seeing me will make it harder for him to decide to go. I know him well enough to interpret his actions. He knows me well enough to send me signs so I can put two and two together without him having to tell me. Between the texts, the avoidance of seeing one another in person, and his newfound expression through facebook status messages, I get it.
I want him to go.
I haven't been seeing him lately and although I do miss him like crazy, I know I have to move on with my life. I have my own things to handle. If we were meant to be, we'll be. That's the point I got to with Brian too. It's sad, because when you truly love someone like I love Brian and Carson, they take a piece of you with them. You don't believe you'll find a love like that again and you miss them as an individual, and a friend so much. I miss having Brian in my life. I miss every smile and devious look that washed over that boy's face. I already miss having Carson in my life. I will miss the conversations, intimacy, trust, etc. that we had between us.
I STILL miss and love Brian, so I know that I'll always miss and love Carson when he goes. However, if I never moved on from Brian I never would have had what I did with Carson. I wouldn't trade my time with Carson for anything.
I do believe in fate. If I am meant to be with either of those men I've been so intensely in love with then at some point our paths will cross again, the timing will be right, and it will happen. Otherwise I will meet someone else and fall just as deeply as I did for the first two, if not more.
Either that or I will end up 35, alone, and get a few more cats....