(no subject)
I'm so tired but I can't sleep. My mind is going a million miles a minute it bouces from thing to thing.
My child is having her birthday party tomorrow and I'm invited... but... sigh... I choose to let her have her day without me. It should be about her turning 14 and not about me being sick or about the wreckage her mom and I left between us. I miss Auliya. I loved being her mom. I miss her every day. I don't have it in me to fade into the shadows...
My mind keeps on bouncing from one thing to another. Sue wanting a baby. My own body falling apart on me. Rebecca seeming to struggle with life. My own love, Kendra struggling with her own personal demons, and other friends who are trying so hard to over come so many things.
I hurt. Odd little hurts mostly. Neuropothy is what they are calling it. Well whatever... it feels like bugs crawling on me. All the pain I feel is in a hypermode and so everypain feels even worse than it is. my hands burn. sharp pains in my kidneys. my feet are swelling. my ears hurt. My chest has a sharp pain in it. It often does. I go walking in the store and everything from mid back down starts to scream at me. Its.... a bitch.
I keep on thinking about Sean... about Mike... I want to curl up with my wife. They were to young to die and so am I. Sean was a year older than I. Mike was 4 or 5 yrs older than I. I m scared about dieing. I don't want to die like they did. I know I have to get my health better. I hate being diabetic. I am so tired of being sick. I told my therapist that I would do DBT therapy. I hope it helps. I gotta change things... I gotta...
I'm fighting off the desire to cut... I'm wish I ahd some other thing to do than type something I could do to help me get lost so I could make my mind stop torturing me. Reading wasn't working tonight.
It was a busy day. It ended with us out with Krista and her friends from school celebrating her 30th bday. Valle Luna Mexican... It was loud in a bar but Kristas friends were super nice and funny and she had a great time! I am loving getting to spend time with her again. I'm glad she liked our little gifts and I welcome her to our scarf club! (soft laughter)
I miss my NoMo Ladies...
Too much bouncing I gotta find something to do now something to help me NOT be so ... ... ... depressed, crazy, sad. So I"m going to do some deep breathing and then I'm going to play some video games. Maybe that will help.
I know ... IT WILL get better...
My snoring dogs who grin at me my beautiful wife singing mountain fields with wild flowers Falling colored leaves the smell of fall and winter making a jack n laturn eatting great food Kendras smile Auliyas I love you note pictures of Ken and I (espcially the silly ones!) small little gold flowers called California Poppies My cat comming and cuddling up with me and then start to pur and snowflakes drifting through gray skies make life better. These are my smiles these days.
My child is having her birthday party tomorrow and I'm invited... but... sigh... I choose to let her have her day without me. It should be about her turning 14 and not about me being sick or about the wreckage her mom and I left between us. I miss Auliya. I loved being her mom. I miss her every day. I don't have it in me to fade into the shadows...
My mind keeps on bouncing from one thing to another. Sue wanting a baby. My own body falling apart on me. Rebecca seeming to struggle with life. My own love, Kendra struggling with her own personal demons, and other friends who are trying so hard to over come so many things.
I hurt. Odd little hurts mostly. Neuropothy is what they are calling it. Well whatever... it feels like bugs crawling on me. All the pain I feel is in a hypermode and so everypain feels even worse than it is. my hands burn. sharp pains in my kidneys. my feet are swelling. my ears hurt. My chest has a sharp pain in it. It often does. I go walking in the store and everything from mid back down starts to scream at me. Its.... a bitch.
I keep on thinking about Sean... about Mike... I want to curl up with my wife. They were to young to die and so am I. Sean was a year older than I. Mike was 4 or 5 yrs older than I. I m scared about dieing. I don't want to die like they did. I know I have to get my health better. I hate being diabetic. I am so tired of being sick. I told my therapist that I would do DBT therapy. I hope it helps. I gotta change things... I gotta...
I'm fighting off the desire to cut... I'm wish I ahd some other thing to do than type something I could do to help me get lost so I could make my mind stop torturing me. Reading wasn't working tonight.
It was a busy day. It ended with us out with Krista and her friends from school celebrating her 30th bday. Valle Luna Mexican... It was loud in a bar but Kristas friends were super nice and funny and she had a great time! I am loving getting to spend time with her again. I'm glad she liked our little gifts and I welcome her to our scarf club! (soft laughter)
I miss my NoMo Ladies...
Too much bouncing I gotta find something to do now something to help me NOT be so ... ... ... depressed, crazy, sad. So I"m going to do some deep breathing and then I'm going to play some video games. Maybe that will help.
I know ... IT WILL get better...
My snoring dogs who grin at me my beautiful wife singing mountain fields with wild flowers Falling colored leaves the smell of fall and winter making a jack n laturn eatting great food Kendras smile Auliyas I love you note pictures of Ken and I (espcially the silly ones!) small little gold flowers called California Poppies My cat comming and cuddling up with me and then start to pur and snowflakes drifting through gray skies make life better. These are my smiles these days.